Warren Clarke: Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel

Quotes 

• [Dalziel is meeting the new Deputy Chief Constable for the first time] 

  DCC Raymond : There are four things I like to have on my desk, Superintendent. An empty in-tray, a full out-tray, a copy of Archbold's "Evidence and Practice"...

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : That's only three things.

  [Raymond reaches into the drawer of his desk and produces a Bible] 

  DCC Raymond : And the Book, of course, for guidance in times of confusion and uncertainty. Do *you* believe, Superintendent?

  [Dalziel realises it would be unwise to say that he is not a believer] 

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [evasively]  In the fallibility of man? Yes, sir.

• [Dalziel is working late when DCC Raymond comes into his office] 

  DCC Raymond : I wanted to have a word about a *serious* matter. What do you know about unnatural practices in CID?

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Oh, there's no need to worry about that. The last practising Freemason retired last year.

  DCC Raymond : Andrew, it has come to my attention that there may be an active homosexual in your department. The press are onto it - that rag, The Challenger. I'm unhappy about the implications, so I would like you to tell me who it is.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : You would?

  DCC Raymond : I would.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [chuckling]  Well, give us a kiss and I'll tell you.

  [DCC Raymond looks stony-faced] 

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I'm sorry, sir. It's been a long day. I take it you're serious.

  DCC Raymond : Be assured of it, Superintendent.

• [Dalziel has now learned that the homosexual officer in his department is Wield, and he is determined to protect him from DCC Raymond's witch-hunt. But Raymond is still determined to find the officer's identity. Dalziel has a cunning plan] 

  DCC Raymond : Just one little item not yet cleared up.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Sir?

  DCC Raymond : I think you'd better tell me, finally, without further prevarication.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [sighs]  Right. You see, sir... the thing is... This is very difficult for me. People think I'm a big, bruising bull in a china shop, but I'm not really. Not deep down.

  [Dalziel starts acting camp, and puts his arm round Raymond's shoulders] 

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I'm a sensitive man, really.

  DCC Raymond : [alarmed]  Mr Dalziel.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : You're a good listener. You know that. I've a confession to make.

  DCC Raymond : Confession?

  [there is a knock at the door and Pascoe walks in] 

  Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe : I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Raymond]  Would you excuse me for just one moment.

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Pascoe]  Have you been dyeing your hair, Peter?

  Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe : Sir?

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Maybe it's the sun that's bleached it a bit. Suits you, though.

  [he touches Pascoe's hair] 

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Raymond]  Thank you, sir. For being so kind and understanding.

  [he takes Raymond's hand and caresses it, and then leaves the room; outside Raymond's door he whispers to Pascoe that he has let Raymond believe that *he* is the homosexual, and they both burst out laughing as Raymond opens his door] 

• [having just met the new Deputy Chief Constable, whom he has discovered is deeply religious and obsessed with clean hands and morality, Dalziel gives his verdict to Pascoe and Wield] 

  Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I don't know where they find them. Perhaps it's something to do with Care in the Community. Release all the crazies and make them senior officers in the police service.