Shrek (2001)
John Lithgow: Lord Farquaad
Photos
Quotes
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[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad : What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek : Well, that's not very nice.
[gestures to Donkey]
Shrek : It's just a donkey.
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Lord Farquaad : [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man : You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad : [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man : Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad's face]
Lord Farquaad : I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
[reaches down]
Gingerbread Man : NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad : All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man : Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad : The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man : The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad : Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man : Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord Farquaad : The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man : THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad : She's married to the Muffin Man...
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Lord Farquaad : [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
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Magic Mirror : [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.
[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]
Magic Mirror : Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!
[changes to images of Snow White]
Magic Mirror : Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
[changes to Princess Fiona]
Magic Mirror : And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
[Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3"]
Lord Farquaad : Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic Mirror : Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.
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Lord Farquaad : Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror : Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad : Ah, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord Farquaad : You were saying?
Magic Mirror : [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad : Go on...
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[Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding]
Lord Farquaad : Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
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Princess Fiona : I wanted to show you before...
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek : Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad : [revolted] It's disgusting!
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Lord Farquaad : Princess Fiona... she's perfect!
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[last words]
Lord Farquaad : I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...
[gets eaten by Dragon]
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[Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk]
Lord Farquaad : That's enough! He's ready to talk.
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[a squad of archers aim at Shrek]
Captain of Guards : Shall I give the order, my Lord?
Lord Farquaad : No. I have a better idea...
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Princess Fiona : [Shrek interrupts her and Farquaad's wedding] What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad : Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
Shrek : Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona : Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...
Shrek : But you can't marry him.
Princess Fiona : And why not?
Shrek : Because... because he's just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad : Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
Shrek : He's not your true love.
Princess Fiona : And what do you know about true love?
Shrek : Well, I... uh... I mean...
Lord Farquaad : Oh, this is precious.
[chuckling]
Lord Farquaad : The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.
[signaling his guards, one of them holds up a cue card reading "Laugh", and the attendees roar with laughter]
Lord Farquaad : An ogre and a princess!
Princess Fiona : Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad : Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Now kiss me!
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Lord Farquaad : [Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass] Magic... mirror... on... the wa...
Gingerbread Man : DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!
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Lord Farquaad : [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]
Shrek : Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]
Shrek : No? All right then! COME ON!
[He bursts one of the ale barrels]
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Lord Farquaad : [Fiona reveals herself to be an ogre, too] This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king!
