Shrek (2001)
Mike Myers: Shrek, Blind Mouse, Opening Narration
Photos
Quotes
-
[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad : What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek : Well, that's not very nice.
[gestures to Donkey]
Shrek : It's just a donkey.
-
Princess Fiona : Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek : [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona : [shocked] What kind of knight ARE you?
Shrek : One of a kind.
-
Shrek : For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey : Example?
Shrek : Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey : They stink?
Shrek : Yes... No!
Donkey : Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek : No!
Donkey : Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek : [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey : Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek : I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey : You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek : NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey : Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
-
Donkey : Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona : It talks!
Shrek : Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!
-
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]
Donkey : Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio : Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Shrek : What?
Pinocchio : We were forced to come here!
Shrek : By who?
Little Pig : Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
-
Donkey : Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek : Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey : You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek : Yeah, I know.
-
Shrek : Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!
-
[arriving at Duloc]
Shrek : [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
-
Princess Fiona : The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey : Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Princess Fiona : And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek : Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.
[chortles]
Donkey : Yeah! Though there are those who think LITTLE of him!
[laughs]
-
Shrek : Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?
Donkey : Ah... really tall?
Shrek : No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey : Nope.
Shrek : Really?
Donkey : Really, really.
Shrek : [taken aback] Oh.
Donkey : Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek : Er... Shrek.
-
Princess Fiona : [hears a roar] You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek : It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona : But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek : Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
[They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims]
Princess Fiona : That's not the point...!
-
Shrek : That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
-
Donkey : You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek : [hiding in the toilet] Go away!
Donkey : See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!
Shrek : LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey : She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.
Shrek : [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?
-
[Shrek has been hit by an arrow]
Princess Fiona : Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey : Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona : Shrek's hurt!
Donkey : Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek : Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey : You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona : [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey : Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Shrek : DONKEY!
Donkey : Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
[runs off]
Shrek : What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona : For getting rid of Donkey.
-
[as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air]
Donkey : Woah, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek : Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead!
[sniffs]
Shrek : It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
Donkey : Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about "it's the brimstone". I know what I smelled and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
-
Shrek : Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona : Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?
Shrek : Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...
Princess Fiona : But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!
Donkey : Well, so much for noble steed!
Shrek : Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...
Princess Fiona : Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!
[sits down]
Shrek : Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!
Princess Fiona : You wouldn't dare...!
[Shrek carries her off]
Shrek : You coming, Donkey?
Donkey : Yeah, I'm right behind you.
-
Donkey : Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!
Shrek : [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?
Donkey : The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"
Shrek : I don't have time for all that!
[runs forward]
Donkey : [stops Shrek] You love this woman, don't ya?
Shrek : Yes.
Donkey : Do you wanna hold her?
Shrek : Yes!
Donkey : Please her?
Shrek : YES!
Donkey : Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!
Shrek : All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
Donkey : ...We gotta check that out.
-
[first lines]
[a fairytale book appears]
Shrek : [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
[tears out a page from the book and shuts it]
Shrek : [laughs] Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[flushes toilet and comes out of the outhouse]
-
Princess Fiona : [after Shrek and Donkey rescue her] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek : Uh, no...
Princess Fiona : Why not?
Shrek : I... have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona : Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek : Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona : But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek : [bangs his head] What? That wasn't in the job description!
The Donkey : Maybe it's a perk!
Princess Fiona : No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.
The Donkey : With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona : Well, yes!
[Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter]
Princess Fiona : What is so funny?
Shrek : Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?
-
Villager #2 : [Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp] Think it's in there?
Villager #1 : All right. Let's get it!
Ogre Hunter #3 : Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
Ogre Hunter #2 : Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!
Shrek : [chuckles and the villagers saw him] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
Villager #5 : [scared] No!
Shrek : They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Ogre Hunter #1 : [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch]
Ogre Hunter #1 : Right.
[Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time]
Shrek : [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[the villagers flee]
Shrek : [laughs happily] And stay out!
-
Donkey : I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek : Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey : Uh... no, not really, no.
-
Donkey : Hey, look at this!
[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]
Clockwork Chorus : Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place!
Clockwork Chorus : Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!
[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo, showing them stunned]
Donkey : Wow. Let's do that again!
Shrek : [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.
-
Shrek : [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?
Donkey : Oh, I'll tell you why.
[starts to sing]
Donkey : 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...
Shrek : STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey : Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest!
-
Donkey : Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?
Shrek : OUR swamp?
Donkey : You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek : Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey : You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek : [sarcastic] No! You think?
Donkey : Are you hiding something?
Shrek : Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey : Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek : No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey : Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek : Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey : Then why are you blocking?
Shrek : I'm not blocking!
Donkey : Oh, yes you are!
Shrek : Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey : Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek? Who?
Shrek : EVERYONE! Okay?
[pause]
Donkey : Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek : Oh, for the love of Pete...
-
Donkey : Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek : Oh, aye?
Donkey : Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek : Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey : You know what I mean.
Shrek : Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey : No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
-
[Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona]
The Donkey : Shrek!
Shrek : What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey : But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona : Thanks.
The Donkey : [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.
-
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]
Donkey : I guess you don't, uh... entertain much, do you?
Shrek : I like my privacy.
Donkey : Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, y'know?
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey : Can I stay with you?
Shrek : What?
Donkey : Can I stay with you... *please?*
Shrek : Of course!
Donkey : Really?
Shrek : No.
Donkey : Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! PLEASE!
-
Donkey : Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek : You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
-
[Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey]
Princess Fiona : Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?
Shrek : A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!
Princess Fiona : No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!
Shrek : Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc]
Princess Fiona : I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...
Shrek : Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it!
Princess Fiona : I'd like that...
[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays]
Shrek : Um... Princess?
Princess Fiona : Yes... Shrek?
Shrek : I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other...]
-
[Fiona notices it's sunset]
Princess Fiona : [uneasy] Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
Shrek : No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona : But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!
Donkey : Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!
Shrek : Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...
Princess Fiona : [in Shrek's face] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!
-
Shrek : Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
-
Shrek : Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey : Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek : The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey : How do you know that?
Shrek : I read it in a book once.
Donkey : Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
-
Shrek : Fiona? Are you all right?
[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]
Princess Fiona : Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek : But you are beautiful.
Donkey : I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
[Shrek and Fiona kiss]
-
Shrek : Back off!
Donkey : No, YOU back off!
Shrek : This is MY swamp!
Donkey : OUR swamp!
Shrek : Let go, Donkey!
Donkey : YOU let go!
Shrek : Stubborn jackass!
Donkey : Smelly ogre!
Shrek : ...Fine!
Donkey : Hey hey hey, come back here! I'm not through with you yet!
Shrek : Well I'm through with you!
Donkey : Uh-uh! You know with you, it's always "Me, me, me"! Well guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just SHUT UP and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me and you don't appreciate ANYTHING that I do! You're always pushing me around, or pushing me away!
Shrek : Oh yeah? Well if I've treated you so bad, how come you came back?
Donkey : Because that's what friends do: they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek : Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
[hides in his toilet]
Donkey : [groans angrily] You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy! You're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek : Go away!
Donkey : See? There you are doing it again, just like you did to Fiona! And all she ever do was like you. Maybe even love you.
Shrek : LOVE me? She said I was UGLY! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey : She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... uh, somebody else.
Shrek : [surprised by Donkey's revelation, comes out of the toilet] She wasn't talking about me? Well then who was she talking about?
Donkey : Uh-uh, no way, I ain't saying anything. You don't want to listen to me, right? Right?
Shrek : Donkey!
Donkey : NO!
Shrek : Okay, look! I'm sorry. All right?
[Donkey's not buying it]
Shrek : [sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
Donkey : [turns around and smiles] Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
Shrek : Right.
[extends his hand to Donkey]
Shrek : Friends?
Donkey : [shakes Shrek's hand] Friends.
-
[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]
The Donkey : So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek : Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey : Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek : That's the moon.
The Donkey : Oh, okay.
-
Princess Fiona : I wanted to show you before...
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek : Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad : [revolted] It's disgusting!
-
Shrek : So... what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey : Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!
Shrek : The wedding! We'll never make it in time!
Donkey : Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.
[blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him]
Donkey : All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.
-
Princess Fiona : You're an ogre...
Shrek : Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
Princess Fiona : Well, yes, actually. Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! It's not supposed to be an ogre!
-
Shrek : Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey : [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek : Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!
Donkey : It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!
Shrek : Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey : Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
-
Donkey : Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek : I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey : Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek : Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad!
Donkey : Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek : Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey : An ogre?
Shrek : Yeah. An ogre.
[walks away]
Donkey : Where're you going?
Shrek : To get... more firewood.
[Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood]
-
[Shrek rescues Fiona]
Princess Fiona : What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek : You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona : [nods] Mmmh-hmm
-
[Princess Fiona has just defeated Monsieur Hood and his Merry Men single-handed]
Princess Fiona : Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...
[points]
Princess Fiona : There's an arrow in your butt!
Shrek : What?
[looks at arrow]
Shrek : Oh, would you look at that?
-
Shrek : I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
-
Shrek : Hold the phone.
-
Captain of Guards : [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre!
Shrek : Aye?
Captain of Guards : [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
Shrek : Oh, really? You and what army?
[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same]
-
Shrek : Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona : Yes, Shrek?
Shrek : I... I love you.
Princess Fiona : Really?
Shrek : Really, really!
Princess Fiona : Mmmm... I love you too.
[they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light...]
-
[staring up at the starry night]
Shrek : [pointing at a constellation] ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey : Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek : Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...
Donkey : Okay, now I know you're making that up!
Shrek : [pointing] No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey : Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek : You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.
-
[Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona]
Shrek : Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!
-
Princess Fiona : [Shrek interrupts her and Farquaad's wedding] What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad : Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
Shrek : Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona : Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...
Shrek : But you can't marry him.
Princess Fiona : And why not?
Shrek : Because... because he's just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad : Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
Shrek : He's not your true love.
Princess Fiona : And what do you know about true love?
Shrek : Well, I... uh... I mean...
Lord Farquaad : Oh, this is precious.
[chuckling]
Lord Farquaad : The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.
[signaling his guards, one of them holds up a cue card reading "Laugh", and the attendees roar with laughter]
Lord Farquaad : An ogre and a princess!
Princess Fiona : Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad : Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Now kiss me!
-
[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]
Blind Mouse : I found some cheese.
[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]
Shrek : Ow!
Blind Mouse : Ugh! Awful stuff.
-
Lord Farquaad : [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]
Shrek : Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]
Shrek : No? All right then! COME ON!
[He bursts one of the ale barrels]
-
Shrek : What are you doing in my swamp?
-
Princess Fiona : [an arrow is stuck in Shrek's butt] Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
Shrek : [jumping in pain] Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
Princess Fiona : Well, I'm sorry, but it... but it has to come out.
Shrek : No, no, it's tender.
[she continues to try and remove it while he tries to stop her]
Princess Fiona : Now, hold on.
Shrek : Would... would you... what you're doing is the opposite of help.
-
Donkey : [after he and Shrek arrives at his house, he looks at stay out signs] I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek : I like my privacy.
Donkey : You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You'retrying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know?
[Shrek turns around to Donkey]
Donkey : Can I stay with you?
Shrek : What?
Donkey : Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek : Of course!
Donkey : Really?
Shrek : No.
Donkey : [pushes Shrek against the door] Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
Shrek : Okay! Okay!
[opens the door]
Shrek : But one night only.
Donkey : [runs in his house] Ah! Thank you!
[hops up on his chair]
Donkey : This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles.
[Shrek angrily groans]
Donkey : Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek : [irritated] OUTSIDE!
Donkey : [starts walking outside] Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night.
[Shrek slams the door]
Donkey : I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.
[starts singing]
Donkey : I'm all alone... there's no one here beside me...
-
Monsieur Hood : [swings in to grab Fiona] La liberte! Hey!
Shrek : Princess!
Princess Fiona : What are you doing?
Monsieur Hood : Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -
[kissing sounds]
Monsieur Hood : - -beast.
Shrek : Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own!
Monsieur Hood : Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Princess Fiona : Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
Monsieur Hood : Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
[laughs]
