South Park (1997– )

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Randy Marsh, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, Clyde, Jimmy Valmer, Stephen Stotch, Officer Barbrady, News Reporter, TV Announcer, Chris Stotch, Tom the News Reader, Timmy, Dr. Doctor, Narrator, Phillip, Additional voices, PC Principal, Doctor, News Reader, Sgt. Yates, Policeman, Mrs. Garrison, Clyde Donovan, Man in Crowd #1, Skeeter, Man in Crowd #2, Ms. Choksondik, Ned Gerblanski, Singer, Dr. Mephesto, Grandpa Marsh, Additional Voices, Man in Crowd, General, Johnson, Mr. Hankey, Policeman #2, Satan, Tom the News Reporter, Policeman #1, Red Goth, Tuong Lu Kim, Various Characters, Caitlyn Jenner, Man in Audience #1, Mr. Tweek, Sergeant Yates, Announcer, Interviewee #2, Man in Crowd #3, Old Man, Santa, Security Guard, Barack Obama, Bill, Bill Clinton, Dougie, Fosse, Jason, Nathan, News Reporter #2, Photographer, Pilot, Policeman #3, Al Gore, Bartender, Chris, Delivery Man, Guard, Interviewee #3, Judge, Man in Audience, Moses, Mr. Donovan, Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tweak, Ms. Garrison, Ned Gerblansky, News Reporter #1, Roger, Scientist #2, Scott, Tour Guide, Beary the Bear, Beavery the Beaver, Brian, Butler, Cameraman, Cardinal, Commentator, Danish Man, Dildo Baggins, Dildo Shwaggins, Doctor #1, Driver, F.B.I. Agent, F.B.I. Agent #1, God...

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Kyle : We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.

  Stan : And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.

  Kyle : And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.

  Cartman : Hey. You did me already.

• Cartman : I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.

  Stan : No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.

• Stan : [with a sigh, calmly]  Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.

  Kyle : [shouts]  We killed Kenny?

  Stan : Yup. We're bastards.

• Eric Cartman : I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

  Mr. Garrison : Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.

  [beat] 

  Eric Cartman : Bitch.

  Mr. Garrison : That's it Eric, you...

  Eric Cartman : I'm going.

• Stan : We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

  Mrs. Crabtree : [shouting]  What did you say?

  Stan : I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."

  Mrs. Crabtree : Oh.

  Kyle : Whoa, dude.

  Stan : I always wondered if that would work.

• Tweek : But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

  Stan : Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?

• Cartman : Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?

  Kenny : [muffled]  Fuck you.

• Cartman : Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?

• Stan : Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?

  Jimmy : F-F-for wh-what?

  Stan : Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.

  Jimmy : She's what?

  Stan : She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.

  Jimmy : Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.

  Wendy : Yeah?

  Jimmy : Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...

  [sounds like "cunt"] 

  Wendy : Well, tell Stan to fuck off!

  [walks away] 

  Jimmy : [continues]  ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.

• Cartman : Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

• Satan : Saddam. But... I killed you.

  Saddam Hussein : Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?

• Timmy : TIMAH.

• Newscaster Ned : If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

• Cartman : Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

• Eric Cartman : Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy!

• Stan : Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny.

  Kyle : You bastard.

  Jay Leno : Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

• Kenny : And what I think, basically, is that when you let what you watch be under your parents' control, television sucks. Television sucks because parents get offended because they rely on television as a babysitter for their kids.

  Stan : Totally, dude.

  Kyle : Good point, man.

• Cartman : I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!

  Butters : Uh oh.

  [He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear] 

• Mr. Garrison : Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.

• Garrison : You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

• Cartman : Butters, remind me to cut your balls off later.

• [repeated line] 

  City Wok Owner : Welcome to Shitty Wok!

  [meant as City Wok] 

• Cartman : I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

• Cartman : You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.

  Stan : Jesus, Cartman.

  Cartman : Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

• Stan : Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty.

• [repeated line] 

  Stan : Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

• [walking up to a crucified Cartman] 

  Officer Barbrady : T. T is for turtle.

• KKK Leader : White power! White power!

  Mr. Garrison : [as Mr. Hat]  White power!

  [as Mr. Garrison] 

  Mr. Garrison : Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.

  [as Mr. Hat] 

  Mr. Garrison : Don't apologize for me to that spear chucker.

  [as Mr. Garrison; gasps] 

  Mr. Garrison : Mr. Hat!

  [runs] 

  Mr. Garrison : Aaah!

• Cartman : ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now we're poor like Kenny's family

  [Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman] 

  Cartman : Don't touch me Kenny.

• Eric Cartman : I got my period.

• Cartman : Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.

• Stan : Oh my god! They killed Kenny.

  Kyle : [unenthusiastically]  You bastard.

• Mrs. Marsh : Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.

  Stan : Aaaah. I have to get it out.

• Cartman : Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

• Cartman : The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.

• [repeated line] 

  Cartman : Butters, what the hell are you doing?

• Mrs Crabtree : Hurry up! We're running late.

  Stan : Ahh we're always running late, you fat hog.

  Mrs Crabtree : What did you say?

  Stan : I wish I could go to Prauge!

  Mrs Crabtree : Yeah. Me too.

• Eric Cartman : [after Bebe gets boobs]  Well, fuck you, Stan, fuck you, Kyle, and

  [shouts] 

  Eric Cartman : fuck you, Kenny! Bebe, you're still cool!

• Mr. Garrison : Now a haiku is just like a good old-fashioned American Poem, except that it's completely stupid.

• [the boys are outside building a snowman] 

  Stan : I have a button we can use for his nose.

  Kenny : [Mumbling] 

  Kyle : What would we use a marble-sack for?

• Token Williams : Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!

  Stan : [confused]  He told my dad that he is...

• [theme song] 

  Les Claypool : I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time!

  Stan , Kyle : Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!

  Les Claypool : I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind!

  Cartman : Ample parking day or night, people spouting: "Howdy, neighbor!"

  Les Claypool : I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind!

  Kenny : [indistinct mumbling] 

  Les Claypool : So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine!

• Timmy : GOBBLES.

• Garrison : Just remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

• Mr. Garrison : What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?

  Randy Marsh : Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.

  Mr. Garrison : Yep.

  Randy Marsh : So, they don't really do anything.

  Mr. Garrison : Right.

  Randy Marsh : So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?

  Mr. Garrison : [pause]  ... Well, I guess you could.

  Customers : Huh? What's that? What'd he say?

• Jimmy : Knock, knock.

  Cartman : Who's there?

  Jimmy : Interrupting cow.

  Cartman : Interrupting cow wh...

  Jimmy : [interrupting]  Mooo!

• Eric Cartman : [Cartman tries to get invited to the girls' party] 

  [in a false girl's voice] 

  Eric Cartman : "Oooh, there's Cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure... "

  [as himself] 

  Eric Cartman : Fuck you, May, fuck you, Annie, fuck you, BeBe, fuck you, whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!

• Mr. Garrison : Mr. Slave, did you finish taking attendance?

  Mr. Slave : All done-sy wun-sy.

• Cartman : OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

• Stephen Stotch : Don't talk back Butters, go to your room! I don't know what's wrong with that boy. It can't be our parenting, we're awesome! He must have some kind of mental illness...

• [repeated line] 

  Stan : You know, I learned something today.

• Mr. Garrison : Well, damn it, Eric, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?

• Stan Marsh : This is hopeless. We're just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.

• [repeated line] 

  Stephen Stotch : Butters... You are GROUNDED!

• Randy Marsh : If Saddam Hussein is making weapons then we have to stop him... with our weapons.

• Stan : It's always interesting to hear from Famous People.

  Wendy : Hitler was famous too.

• Receptionist : Are you the Protestant Youth Choir?

  Cartman : Yes, we are Young Prostitutes here to sing for you.

• Butters : Let's dance!

  [Dances to Take on Me] 

  Cartman : Butters, I hate you with every fiber of my being.

• Eric Cartman : Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.

• Mr. Garrison : Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.

• Stan : Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

• Cartman : Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.

• Randy Marsh : You're going to be glad we have this all on camera, someday.

• Stan : We're gonna make bullying kill itself.

• High School Musical Singer : You gotta go with the Status Quo!

  Cartman : Well, if this is the future I'm killing myself. Farewell, my friends!

  [walks offscreen] 

• Terrance : Hey Phillip, guess what?

  Phillip : What?

  Terrance : [Farts]  Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

• Cartman : The wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

• Cartman : Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

• Mr. Garrison : You little turds, you ruined my life for the last time

• Cartman : [Tweek freaks out and runs off]  Jesus, what did that kids' parents do to him?

• Satan : I suppose I should help Humanity out, they have been doing my job for me so much these days.

• Stan : [uncensored version]  See, I learned something today: Violence Works!

• Cartman : Supernanny, if you love children so much, why didn't you have any of your own?

• Cartman : We have Crab People.

• Garrison : [Presidential Rally]  Yeah! Fuck 'em all to Death!

• Randy Marsh : [to Homeschooler]  We want our kids to work some of these things out for themselves.

• Stan : [Freedom of Speech]  It's either all okay, or none of it is.

• Mr. Garrison : Oh, what are people afraid of? That A.I. is gonna replace real writers? That Hollywood is gonna become just a bland recycling of old ideas? It already is!

• Randy Marsh : Refreshments were available, yes.

• Cartman : [Cinema]  Three adorable children, please.

• [repeated line] 

  Cartman : I will kick you in the nuts!