Fools Rush In (1997)

Matthew Perry: Alex

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Quotes 

• Alex Whitman : You are everything I never knew I always wanted.

• Alex Whitman : [as Desi Arnaz]  Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do.

• Isabel Fuentes : Alex, don't do this. There is nothing to say.

  Alex Whitman : Just wait a minute. There might be. This afternoon, I couldn't decide between a Texas burger and a tuna melt, but my life made sense, you know? And now I know exactly want I want, and my life doesn't make any sense. And I was doing fine this afternoon. I was doing great. That was me. It was me then. And now I'm with you and I don't know what happened but somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt's tamales. I mean, I was actually worried that I'd already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaners or something and I was too busy to notice and you show up and I realize that's not true because you're the one. You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I'm not even sure what that means exactly, but I think has something to do with the rest of my life. And I think we should get married right now.

• Alex Whitman : How've you been?

  Isabel Fuentes : Pregnant.

• Isabel Fuentes : Alex, this is Chuy. He's a very good friend of the family.

  Alex Whitman : Chuy, hi. I'm Luke Skywalker.

• Isabel Fuentes : It was a sign, Alex.

  Alex Whitman : Of what?

  Isabel Fuentes : That the baby would be Catholic.

  Alex Whitman : Oh, well, then it's a good thing you weren't stopped in front of an IHOP.

• Alex Whitman : [after being told to hold the baby's head]  Why, does it come off?

• Alex Whitman : [Isabel tells Alex she's pregnant]  But we were only together one night.

  Isabel Fuentes : That's all it took.

  Alex Whitman : And I - I - I used a condom. Lots of 'em.

  Isabel Fuentes : Well, one didn't work.

  Alex Whitman : But that's its job! Its job is to work. Its entire reason for being - is to work.

• Alex Whitman : Wait a minute! You snuck out on me, and I never heard from you again. And now you just show up, tell me you're pregnant, and I'm supposed to know exactly what to do? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know, exactly, what to do.

  Isabel Fuentes : That's the first good thing you've said all night.

• Alex Whitman : You gamble either way. And you are just pissed that I won on the first pull instead of putting quarters into the wrong machine for the last five years.

  Jeff : Wait! First of all, those were silver dollars, my friend. And that slot machine now owns my house.

• Donna, Construction Secretary : Hey, Alex, there's a woman on line 1. She says she's your wife.

  Jeff : Hey, Donna, the only wife around here is my ex and I am not in.

  Alex Whitman : Ask if I can call her back. Oh, and get her phone number.

• [at the hospital] 

  Alex Whitman : Are you all right?

  Isabel Fuentes : I'm all right.

  Alex Whitman : Is the baby OK?

  Isabel Fuentes : There is no baby.

  Alex Whitman : What?

  Isabel Fuentes : Look, Alex, I've been thinking. If I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't have gone to your house that night and we wouldn't have gotten married. The baby was the reason for us to be together.

  Alex Whitman : That's not true.

  Isabel Fuentes : I thought it was fate, but it was just a stupid, superstitious dream, you know? There are no signs, Alex. And we're too different and we always will be.

  Alex Whitman : So, what are you saying?

  Isabel Fuentes : I'm saying we're not meant to be together.

  Alex Whitman : No, don't do this. Not now.

  Isabel Fuentes : Alex, this is not going to work.

  Alex Whitman : Isabel, let me help you!

  Isabel Fuentes : Get out, Alex. Get out!

  [Alex starts backing slowly towards the ward doorway starring at Isabel] 

  Isabel Fuentes : Get out!

• Isabel Fuentes : I pee really fast. I live with five brothers, three cousins, and only one bathroom. Believe me, I can pee faster than anybody in the world.

  Alex Whitman : Really? A gold medallist. This I have to see.

• Dam Policeman Delivering Baby : These contractions are right on top of each other.

  Alex Whitman : Did you hear that? He said these contractions are right on top of each other.

  Isabel Fuentes : I'm not deaf--I'm in labor!

• Jeff : I mean, this makes no sense at all. Why would you marry her... unless you knocked her up?

  Alex Whitman : [pauses] 

  Jeff : You knocked her up?

  Alex Whitman : Yes, but that had nothing to do with it!

• Alex Whitman : They're great. I had no idea that families talked at dinner.

• Isabel Fuentes : No. No quiero oir nada. No quiero que me digas una palabra. Estoy harta de todas tus mentiras. Eso son todo lo que me has dicho. Cobarde.

  Alex Whitman : What does that mean?

  Isabel Fuentes : It means that you are a liar and a coward. That's what it means.

  Alex Whitman : It sounded so much prettier in Spanish.

• Alex Whitman : Isabel, don't jump.

  Isabel Fuentes : I'm not going to kill myself, stupid. But if you come any closer, I'll throw your ass over.

• Alex Whitman : There was nothing I could do; the deal starts July 1st.

  Isabel Fuentes : Tell them to wait.

  Alex Whitman : I can't do that.

  Isabel Fuentes : Can't or won't?

  Alex Whitman : I've worked to long, too hard...

  Isabel Fuentes : To what? To share your life with someone who loves you? Who cares for you? Alex you have to be there everyday!

  Alex Whitman : What do you think I've been killing myself for?

  Isabel Fuentes : Oh come on, you knew about this for a month, but you don't include me... Why are you afraid of me? Why do you alienate me from your life?

  Alex Whitman : I don't... I don't know...

  Isabel Fuentes : [sighs]  Look, I told you in the beginning... I have no problem raising this child on my own.

  [walks away] 

  Alex Whitman : I thought we were a family...

  Isabel Fuentes : [turns around]  You don't understand the concept of a family! To you it's something you put up with on national holidays! Love is a gift, Alex, not an obligation.

  [turns and walks away] 

  Alex Whitman : Look, this is the brass ring. I've worked my entire life for this kind of opportunity and I am not gonna throw it all away just because one night I put a $5 ring on your finger in front of Elvis as a witness!

• Alex Whitman : Where are you going?

  Isabel Fuentes : You're not my favorite person right now.

  Alex Whitman : Yeah, well, you either.

• Alex Whitman : I swear to God if anything else goes wrong, I will red tag this place myself. Now let's forget about this and go to lunch.

  [a sign falls and crushes the OSHA rep's car] 

  Alex Whitman : We could take my car.

• Tracey Burnham : Well, nobody ever plans to end up in Vegas. You just do. Kinda sneaks up on you. But it is the fastest growing economy in the US, the economy is booming, business is growing, I'm up to my neck in paperwork. Oh, but frankly, it's not a whole lotta fun. Are you a whole lotta fun, Alex?

  Alex Whitman : Ah, Jeff said we might have some problems with our liquor license because of new zoning?

  Tracey Burnham : Mmm, I'll talk to the County Supervisor for you, but if I were you I'd pay more attention to the ABC investigation. They're gonna ask you all kinds of personal questions. They'd like nothing more than to catch you with your pants down.

  Alex Whitman : Well, then, they should definitely be looking into Jeff, because he actually heads up our - 'pants-down' department.

• Alex Whitman : Buenos días.

  [Good morning] 

  Great Grandma : Buenos días.

  [Good morning] 

  Alex Whitman : Yo me llamo Alex Whitman, busco Isabel Fuentes, está aquí?

  [My name is Alex Whitman, I'm looking for Isabel Fuentes, she's here?] 

  Great Grandma : No no esta aquí, se ha ido a casa a dar a luz, a tu criatura.

  [No, she's not here, she went home to give birth to your baby] 

  Alex Whitman : I don't understand.

  Great Grandma : A Las Vegas.

  [to Las Vegas] 

  Alex Whitman : You have to be kidding.

  Great Grandma : De modo que tu eres el amor de Isabel, valgame dios hijo.

  [So you are Isabel's great love, my dear sweet boy] 

• [after doing a fast U-turn into traffic] 

  Alex Whitman : Shit.

  [Yelling] 

  Alex Whitman : Sorry. Shit.

• Isabel Fuentes : The very first time I came here... my father told me the story about a family of squirrels that lived on the plateau. He said that one day the canyon split. Half of the squirrels ended up on the north rim... and the other half on the south rim. Over time, the two families became different. Each one adjusted to their own environment. The ones to the north are dark, bushy-tailed, and have bigger ears. The ones to the south are leaner, meaner, and much prettier. And even though they look different and they act different... they are the exact same squirrel. They just grew up on different sides.

  Alex Whitman : And this canyon between them... will they ever be able to cross it?

• Alex Whitman : I'd like to believe you, but your nose is actually growing.

• Isabel Fuentes : You don't think it was fate that you were standing in this line when I got off the phone?

  Alex Whitman : Fate? No. No, I think it was more of a bladder thing.

• Alex Whitman : I want Las Vegas? Listen, everything that's famous about Las Vegas is about leaving it. That movie, the song, even the mob left Las Vegas.

• Alex Whitman : Let me ask you a question. What the hell is dating anyway - except some drawn-out process of elimination where you both try to present your best side while hiding the real you? That can only last about three months anyway, because eventually it leaks out. Then you have to spend the next three months, getting to know your real selves. Then one of you wants a commitment, the other wants to bail. Then you have to start all over again. I mean, dating - dating - dating is stupid.

• Isabel Fuentes : I never did anything like that before, going home with someone I don't know.

  Alex Whitman : Hey, you and me, both. You know, I mean, it was just one of those great, phenomenal, spontaneous - things.

  Isabel Fuentes : Yes, it was.

• Jeff : Do you even know if this baby is yours? Have you asked for a blood test?

  Alex Whitman : I can't do that! She's my wife! And it's not like that. You don't know her.

  Jeff : Neither do you!

• Isabel Fuentes : You've never been off the sStrip. There's a lot more to Nevada than Vegas.

  Alex Whitman : Like what? Like legal prostitution?

  Isabel Fuentes : That is such a guy thing to say.

• Isabel Fuentes : We'll just have to take these pants off so that I can take a closer look.

  Alex Whitman : Whatever you say, doctor.

• Alex Whitman : Perfect would be if this was New York and that was a Gray's Papaya hot dog.

• Isabel Fuentes : You lied to me. All this time. No quiero que me digas una palabra. Estoy harta de tus mentiras. Es todo lo que me has dicho, mentiras. Cobarde!

  Alex Whitman : What does that mean?

  Isabel Fuentes : That means you're a liar and a coward! That's what it means.

  Alex Whitman : It sounded so much prettier in Spanish.