- Harry Block: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Doris: You have no values. Your whole life: it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm and orgasm.
- Harry Block: You know, in France, I could run on that slogan and win.
- [Talking about life]
- The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- Harry Block: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.
- Joan: [breaking down] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
- Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
- Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!
- Harry Block: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?
- Joan: [angrily tears papers from typewriter] Stop your tap-dancing...
- Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law Bert] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- Harry Block: The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Harry's Father: I'm a Jew. I don't believe in Heaven.
- Harry Block: Where do you want to go?
- Harry's Father: A Chinese restaurant.
- Burt: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
- Harry Block: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken
- Harry Block: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.
- [Mr. Farber is lying on a patient's couch waiting for his therapist, Joan, to return from dressing down her husband, Harry, for having an affair]
- Joan: [from offscreen] I want you to get your shit. And I want you to get your goddamn clothes, and I want you to get the fuck outta here. You are the most fucking irresponsible person I've ever seen in my entire life! Get out!
- [she returns]
- Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
- Mr. Farber: [very uncomfortable] D-Doctor...
- Joan: [not bothering to leave the room this time] And I mean tonight, motherfucker!
- Mr. Farber: [bursts into tears]
- Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law] I don't think you're a paranoid. I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that everybody likes you!
- Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.
- Richard: He's younger than you are.
- Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.
- Cookie: How come you got all this money?
- Harry Block: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.
- Harry Block: [after sex] Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
- Harry Block: Cookie is the nanny.
- Doris: The nanny! Where did you get her, from an agency or a massage parlor?
- Harry Block: Oh jesus! She's a sweet kid, what are you picking on?
- Doris: Ah, still with the sex pots, the tramps, the vilda chayes.
- Harry Block: Ah, she's got a PhD, this girl.
- Doris: Really? I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A plus on her oral exam.
- [Therapist Joan is trying to counsel Mr. Farber but has just learned that her husband, Harry, has had an affair with a patient of hers]
- Mr. Farber: I've been - I've been losing sleep at night. I can't shut my eyes at night. I - I think I should quit my job. But I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because my brother-in-law treats me kindly. But - but working for him is taking its toll on me emotionally.
- Joan: Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?
- [gets up and leaves the room]
- Mr. Farber: What?
- Joan: [from offscreen] You fuck-dumb fuck! I can't believe you fucking did this! You fucking asshole. You fucked my patient? Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient. Fuck you!
- [she returns]
- Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
- Harry Block: And then, after their child was born, she became what he called "Jewish with a Vengeance".
- The Devil: You ever fuck a blind girl?
- Harry Block: No. That I never did.
- The Devil: Oh, they're so grateful.
- Grandma: [Unaware that Leslie is fellating Ken because she is blind] Boy, you must really love onions!
- Harry Block: Look, I was merely explaining to you why my choice of necessity is confined to your practice.
- Lucy: You schmuck, you bastard. I'd like to cut your fuckin' head off.
- Harry Block: You're upset, right?
- Harry's Sister: You never forgave him because you thought he was a bad father.
- Harry Block: He was!
- Harry's Sister: Thanks for stopping by...