- Sam the Keeper: Mr. Niles, I just found out that Count Dracula was a faggot!
- Paul Niles: Huh, Is that so?
- Sam the Keeper: Hey, you don't have to believe me but that's the facts!
- Natalie: What's wrong? Paul!
- Paul Niles: I don't know. It's like a nightmare. It was a nightmare. I was running in the streets... doing "things".
- Sam the Keeper: [after surviving a confrontation with Paul the Werewolf, to the audience] I'm the good guy!
- Noel: They can also tell when a man is Yalloglanchie. He takes on a series of strange body habits, like sleeping like a coyote, nose to anus. The house begins to smell like coyote urine.
- Sam the Keeper: [Standing almost perfectly still a few feet from the werewolf] What's going on? Oh my God! Help me!
- [Still not moving away]
- Sam the Keeper: Holy Jesus God Father! Werewolf? Oh, no! Save me! This thing is a werewolf!
- [is finally attacked]
- Natalie: So it all comes to this? You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? But over my dead body! You hear me? I won't stand for it!
- Taxi Driver: Uh, no, sir, a lot has changed. If you stick around you'll find out for yourself! Just the other night, half-man, half-beast got shot down! They took 'em to the hospital he's in a coma! The Police are investigating, its been all over My radio!
- Paul Niles: Do you always greet people with a gun in your hand?
- Sam the Keeper: What this? This is just to keep the flies down! There's some weird things happening around here!
- Yuri: Where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is? Where the hell is Tommy?
- Bill: [spits] Here we go again.
- Yuri: Hey I'm talking to you!
- Joel: Look man! Tommy's at City Emergency Hospital He's sick!
- Bill: Yeah he's turning in...
- [Joel motions Bill to be quiet]
- Joel: He's real sick!
- Yuri: What's wrong with him?
- Joel: He got an infection from that thing he got cut on yesterday, that's all I know. Now if you don't mind I'd like to get back to work.
- Yuri: Good!