- [to Pascoe who has just met Dalziel, a surname which is pronounced Dee-ELL]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: The first time you walked in, you said "Good morning, Mister Dee-ELL". First bugger that ever got my name right. First time. Unforgivable, that is. "Smartarse", I thought. I was right.
- [Ellie walks into the police station and asks for Peter Pascoe. The desk sergeant says Pascoe has gone to the opera in Leeds, and offers to take a message]
- Ellie Soper: Tell him Mrs Claypool - in connection with sex.
- [Dalziel is talking to Jacko Roberts in the rugby club bar when Gwen Evans walks in]
- Jacko Roberts: There's one in every rugby club, isn't there?
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: What?
- Jacko Roberts: A nubile woman to inflame the loins of the pack.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Aye, once upon a time it were Mary Connon. Now it's Gwen Evans.
- Jacko Roberts: And Arthur doesn't like it.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Can't speak for *your* loins, Jacko, but I'd need a set of jump-leads.
- [to the rugby club barman, as everyone is watching a big match on TV]
- Arthur Evans: I shall need a pint every 15 minutes for the duration of the game. But if Wales win... I shall drink a *lot*.
- [Pascoe has just introduced Ellie Soper to Dalziel. She has come to the station to give Pascoe a copy of her new book "Coppers & Brass" which she says is about police corruption]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Let me confess. I use foul and abusive language. I pick my nose and scratch my balls. I fart louder than is biologically necessary. And I do it all in public. I've got sod-all to hide, more's the pity. I do my job, collect my wages, and go home and have my tea - generally in the middle of the night. And you will already have observed I *don't* know any funny handshakes. Have you done any in-depth research into children that go missing?
- Ellie Soper: No.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Or wicked women who flaunt their naked bodies in full public view?
- Ellie Soper: No.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: In that case, Mr Pascoe will see you off the premises. We have to be very careful with liberal-minded do-gooders.