The Daily Show (1996– )

Samantha Bee: Self - Correspondent, Siri, Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp, Barbara Boxer, Canadian Wife, Ghost of Alternate Christmas Past, Self, Self - Co-Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Samantha Bee : Upon hearing of Sadam's capture, Wesley Clark exclaimed, and I'm quoting here, 'You're (beep)ing me. Please say you're (beep)ing me.' He added 'You'd better be (beep)ing me.'

• Samantha Bee : Lieberman is eager to campaign down South where, and this is a direct quote, "A soft-spoken New England Jew has the advantage."

• [about Wesley Clark's decision to drop out of the presidential race] 

  Jon Stewart : Now, Samantha, could you describe the attitude in Wesley Clark's campaign bus? I'd think it would be one of disappointment.

  Samantha Bee : Well, Jon, if you can just *assume* my report, then I guess I don't have to be here in Arkansas.

  Jon Stewart : I'm sorry, Samantha. Tell us, what was the mood in Clark's bus?

  Samantha Bee : Actually, disappointment was pretty apt.

• Jon Stewart : Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?

  Samantha Bee : Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?

  Jon Stewart : Is that all?

  Samantha Bee : Pretty much.

  Jon Stewart : Do you even know how the power is distributed?

  Samantha Bee : Evenly?

  Jon Stewart : Do you know what the distributing process is?

  Samantha Bee : [uncertainly]  Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.

  Jon Stewart : Transformers?

  Samantha Bee : You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?

• [reporting on the deaths of Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Qusay] 

  Samantha Bee : There are a lot of electrodes that will be flying at half-testicle tonight.

• Samantha Bee : As you know, the cornerstone of Edwards' campaign has been the idea of two Americas. Take a look.

  [John Edwards describes "two Americas" in several clips] 

  Samantha Bee : See that? Two Americas. The bad news is, in *this* America, John Edwards has had his ass handed to him. However, in the other America, Edwards is doing quite well. In fact, he's won twenty-nine of thirty contests. Quite impressive.

  Jon Stewart : Now, Samantha, how did he manage to lose a primary in another America of his own invention?

• Samantha Bee : Just because something happens in nature doesn't make it "natural."

• Samantha Bee : But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State.

• Samantha Bee : Oh, crap, I forgot Chanukah! Ooh! Chanukah's on the 7th. How could I forget the holiday that starts on a different day every year and commemorates a lamp not going out?