Tommy Boy (1995)

Colin Fox: Nelson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tommy : Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Go on, I'm listening.

  Tommy : Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Yeah, makes a man feel good.

  Tommy : 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?

  [chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing] 

  Ted Nelson, Customer : [impatiently]  What's your point?

  Tommy : The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

  Tommy : Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : [pause]  Okay, I'll buy from you.

  Tommy : Well, that's...

  Tommy , Richard Hayden : ...What?

• Mrs. Nelson : Honey? Look at this human bomb on the news.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Huh? Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons.

• Ted Nelson, Customer : I like your line and I like your prices, but there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box.

  Tommy : Heck, if something breaks down, you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV.

  Richard Hayden : Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out "I'm good. I'll never let you down. But if I do, I'm going to make things all better."

  Richard Hayden : Our brake pads are made with a noncorrosive polyplating...

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it. My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.

  Tommy : Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...

  Richard Hayden : [stopping him]  No.

  Ted Nelson, Customer : What?

  Richard Hayden : Remember, chicken wings.

  Tommy : Chicken wings? All right, you want to talk about guarantees, then...

  Ted Nelson, Customer : Fellas, you just ran out of time.

  Tommy : [remembering their conversation at the diner]  Chicken wings.