The Drew Carey Show (TV Series 1995–2004) Poster

(1995–2004)

Diedrich Bader: Oswald Lee Harvey, Diedrich Bader, Oswald Harvey, Oswald Harvey Lee, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

  • Drew Carey : I think I should help people.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...

  • Lewis Kiniski : Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.

  • [Mimi kicked Steve out] 

    Drew Carey : So, where are you staying?

    Steve Carey : A hotel.

    Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.

    Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?

    Steve Carey : Really?

    Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.

  • Kate O'Brien : Oswald, how do I look?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.

    Kate O'Brien : Oswald!

    Drew Carey : Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.

    Kate O'Brien : Oh.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : It starts at three.

  • Drew Carey : Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Aww, Drew...

    Drew Carey : No! Do not pity the whore!

  • Drew Carey : Ask me about my day, I dare you.

    Lewis Kiniski : Drew, how was your day?

    Drew Carey : You're not sincere enough.

    [points to Oswald] 

    Drew Carey : YOU! Ask me about my day.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Drew, how was your day?

    Drew Carey : Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : I think I'm going to be sick

    Drew Carey : Why?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!

  • Drew Carey : Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?

  • Kate O'Brien : What's wrong with you guys?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Lot's of stuff. Why?

  • Lewis Kiniski : Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Champagne flutes?

    Lewis Kiniski : You read my mind.

  • Lewis Kiniski : Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : No, no. Oswald Lewis.

    Lewis Kiniski : [after much careful thought]  Loswald!

  • Lewis Kiniski : Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!

    Drew Carey : I want to be a scoutmaster.

    [pause] 

    Drew Carey : Tomorrow.

  • Lewis Kiniski : It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Really?

    Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : How much is he going to pay you?

    Lewis Kiniski : I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.

  • [Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class] 

    Lewis Kiniski : I'm a freak! I need some time alone!

    [Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I hope he's going to be all right.

    [Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.

    Milan : Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...

  • Woman : Oswald? Oswald Harvey?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : That's what it says on my underwear.

    Woman : Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?

  • Kate O'Brien : I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Did I get drunk?

    Kate O'Brien : We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!

    Oswald Lee Harvey : But, did I get drunk?

  • Drew Carey : Hey, what were you doing upstairs?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.

    Drew Carey : Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister!

  • Drew Carey : I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!

    Drew Carey : Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.

    [pause] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you looking at me approvingly?

    Drew Carey : Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.

    Kate O'Brien : Oh, my god! You still have that tape?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.

    Kate O'Brien : Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.

  • Lewis Kiniski : If we win, you have to name your son after us.

    Steve Carey : And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'

    Lewis Kiniski : That's ridiculous.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Dibs on 'Boob 1'!

    Lewis Kiniski : Damn!

  • Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.

    Kate O'Brien : I'll get the food.

    Lewis Kiniski : I'll get the beer.

    [pause] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Every damn time!

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house.

    Lewis Kiniski : Where is he?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Probably in the brewery.

    Lewis Kiniski : [opens the door]  Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.

    [Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?

    Lewis Kiniski : 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.

    [Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out] 

    Lewis Kiniski : We must never speak of this again...

  • Drew Carey : [hangs up phone]  Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.

    Kate O'Brien : That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.

    Drew Carey : Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : [to Lewis]  This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.

  • Drew Carey : Why are you guys wearing suits?

    Lewis Kiniski : Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Picking at the bones of her self respect!

    Drew Carey : I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.

    Lewis Kiniski : Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : [flirting]  I'm Oswald. And, as of last week, I am work-free.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know about you guys, but I could sure use more beer.

    Drew Carey : All right.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : One case, coming right up.

    Drew Carey : Why do you need a whole case?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know. Why do you have to shed light on my addiction?

  • [Oswald just found out he has a son] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : His name is Robert Gates! I wish it was Bill though...

    Drew Carey : How come?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash! Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn! What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?'

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback?

    Drew Carey : That's a woman.

    Lewis Kiniski : Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.

  • [At the Warsaw] 

    Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him!

    [storms out] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew.

    Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, we should do a lot of things.

    [both continue drinking] 

  • [Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church] 

    Drew Carey : Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.

    Mr. Nichols : No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.

    [Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him] 

    Mr. Nichols : Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.

    Drew Carey : Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I thought people liked my voice.

    [disguises voice] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.

    Drew Carey : How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer... I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him.

  • [Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump] 

    Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.

    Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.

    Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew?

    Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew.

    Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!

  • Drew Carey : Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days.

  • [Steve is wearing a dress] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you wearing a dress?

    Steve Carey : Why do you take long walks in the park?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Because it feels good.

    Steve Carey : You should try women's underwear.

  • [Drew and Lewis walk into Mimi's apartment] 

    Drew Carey : And... wow, my eyes wont focus.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?

  • Lewis Kiniski : Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Eww!

    Lewis Kiniski : That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.

  • Drew Carey : [to Lewis]  Come on, you were a genius before you met Oswald.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Like I told you, buddy, smarty had a party and nobody came.

  • [during an "oldest unpaid bill contest"] 

    Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances.

    Lewis Kiniski : I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?

  • Kate O'Brien : We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place.

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Our place? Even we don't like going to our place.

  • [after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back] 

    Lewis Kiniski : I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch.

    Drew Carey : What did you come up with Oswald?

    Oswald Lee Harvey : Beard of bee's

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : Whoof! Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder!

    Drew Carey : I was at the dump with Mimi.

    Lewis Kiniski : You fool, you can't bury her there! That's the first place they'll look!

  • Oswald Lee Harvey : [Doing an impression of Christopher Walken]  I would have been a bigger star if... I wasn't so creepy.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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