- [Andy Fairweather-Low's "Wide-Eyed and Legless" is playing on the car radio]
- Diana Longden: They're playing my song. Turn it up.
- [Deric and Diana sing enthusiastically but raucously]
- Diana Longden: I'd like you to play this at my funeral.
- Deric Longden: I don't trust you - you'd get up and start singing the bugger.
- Diana Longden: Think many people'll come?
- Deric Longden: Not with your voice.
- [Diana and Deric have gone to visit Aileen. Aileen is leaning over the bannister as Diana clumsily climbs the stairs backwards, sitting on her bottom]
- Aileen Armitage: Climbing upstairs on her what?
- Deric Longden: Er, on her own volition.
- Diana Longden: That is *not* what I said!
- Aileen Armitage: No, I thought it wasn't.
- Deric's Mother: Ten minutes of this rain will do more good in half an hour than a fortnight of ordinary rain would do in a month.
- Deric's Mother: Hello Lawrence.
- Deric Longden: It's Kenneth.
- Deric's Mother: Oh, I knew it was something of Arabia.
- [Deric is smoking a very smelly pipe]
- Joan: What are you smoking, lad?
- Deric Longden: Three Nuns.
- Joan: Well I think one of them's just farted. Put it out, Deric. Never fools anyone, anyway.
- [Deric is sitting with Diana in hospital]
- Diana Longden: Go and have a smoke.
- Deric Longden: I don't want one.
- Diana Longden: You're not missing much.
- Deric Longden: [kisses Diana] Oh, I don't know.
- Diana Longden: Well go and have a beer then.
- Deric Longden: I don't want a beer either.
- Diana Longden: Well screw one of the nurses.
- Deric Longden: Oh, all right (!)
- Diana Longden: Only the one, mind - you've a train to catch.