- [Lewis stops Trevor from mooning people]
- Lewis Skolnick: Trevor, it isn't nice to moon.
- Trevor Gulf: Oh, it isn't?
- Lewis Skolnick: No, it isn't.
- Trevor Gulf: Mr. Ogre mooned.
- Lewis Skolnick: Well, you see Trevor, Mr. Ogre is a converted nerd, ok? He used to be a jock so he's still a little rough around the edges.
- Trevor Gulf: Jacques, is he from France?
- Judy: I think you're breaking out.
- Stan Gable: What're you talking about? I've always had a perfect complexion.
- Judy: Uh-uh, I think you have the chickenpox.
- Betty Skolnick: Lewis, I don't want you to go now, it's after 3 in the morning.
- Lewis Skolnick: If my wife and my unborn fetal son want pickles and ice cream, I don't care what time it is.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's not that bad.
- Dudley Dawson: Not that bad? Lewis, we just had a food fight. People don't have... food fights, at their... BRIDAL SHOWERS! But I did! Some nova riche guy, looked like he could've been a banker, is standing over me, shoving handfuls of garnish up my NOSTRILS!
- Aaron Humphrey: Everybody who's important is gone.
- Tippy: No, no look, your sister's still here.
- Aaron Humphrey: My sister stays to the end of supermarket openings.
- Dudley Dawson: So what do you like to do?
- Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm afraid to tell you because if you don't like what I like, then you won't like me.
- Dudley Dawson: I think I'm going to like you, no matter WHAT you do, as long as you live.
- Dudley Dawson: It's not your fault, you didn't ask to be born... you want me to give you a push on those swings?
- Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: No thanks.
- Dudley Dawson: I'm a pretty good swing pusher, I can get you in over the top.
- Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm too old to be pushed on swings.
- Dudley Dawson: Oh yeah, you're too old for that... I used to hate it when people treated me like a baby.
- Dudley Dawson: I'd like to thank you all for this wonderful shower.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower you've ever had.
- Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly, every other night in summer, and weekly in the winter.
- Betty Skolnick: Lewis, there were women at the party last night, weren't there?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: Were they pretty?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: What did you do with them?
- Lewis Skolnick: The bunny hop.
- Betty Skolnick: That's it? Just the bunny hop?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: Okay, then you can still be my Valentine.
- Lewis Skolnick: Harold where're you going?
- Lamar: I don't know but I'd guess over to Lois.
- Takashi: Are you scoing, Harold?
- Harold: Well I wouldn't tell you if I was. But I'll guarantee you this much, I ain't going over there for breakfast!
- Lewis Skolnick: You're not supposed to reveal what goes on at a bachelor party.
- Ogre: Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Who can't we tell again?
- Betty Skolnick: Hey. What's Trevor Gulf doing?
- Jeanie Humphrey: [startled] I-I think he's mooning us.
- Lewis Skolnick: That's no moon, thats the San Joquin valley
- [shouts, running at Trevor as people began to react off-screen]
- Lewis Skolnick: TREVOR, NO!
- Takashi: [takes photo of Trevor's mooning] Oh! Big Smile!
- Lewis Skolnick: Betty, don't push.
- All: [chanting] Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo.
- [Betty screams]
- All: Betty don't scream! Betty don't scream, Betty don't scream.
- Jeanie Humphrey: I love Booger! And I'm gonna marry him, no matter WHAT you say!
- Tippy: Jeanie!
- [to Aaron]
- Tippy: What did you say to her?
- Aaron Humphrey: Nothing, I just made a suggestion.
- Tippy: Oh, can't we all just get along?
- Aaron Humphrey: She comes up with a guy who looks like he came out of a vending machine and I'M the one who's wrong!
- Jeanie Humphrey: [to Heidi] You gave up what you wanted to tell the truth, I admire that quality in a person.
- Jeanie Humphrey: I'm sure my mother's just overwhelmed by the wedding and everything.
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, then you don't think it's because they hate my guts?
- Jeanie Humphrey: Booger, I love you!
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah, I know *you* do, but I'm not sure about your parents.
- U. N. Jefferson: I've never been to a nerd wedding
- [bursts into tears]
- U. N. Jefferson: I didn't cry at!
- Takashi: The bishop has a kidney stone, he no make it to wedding!
- Dudley Dawson: How am I supposed to get married without a clergyman?
- Mr. Skolnick: I could marry you.
- Dudley Dawson: But I don't love you.
- Chip: Isn't it just a little bit strange that Jeannie never brought uh, what's-his-butt over here before?
- Gaylord: His name is Dudley, and they only met three months ago.
- Aaron Humphrey: I know I'd be a shoo-in with the people if I could just get those old-money blue-bloods to endorse my candidacy.
- Chip: And they'd be damned fools not to, Dad, irregardless of the fact that you are nouveau riche.
- Aaron Humphrey: Don't you ever use that phrase in this house! I am not nouveau riche! I am a self-made businessman; and I'm not your dad, I'm your father-in-law, get it?
- Chip: Right, uh, self-made businessman, father-in-law, I got it.
- Lewis Skolnick: Hey, so Booger, how are things going with the in-laws?
- Dudley Dawson: Well, things were going okay, until my mother-in-law passed out and cracked her head on the coffee table.
- Lewis Skolnick, Betty Skolnick: Oh.
- Dudley Dawson: I don't think my father-in-law likes me at all.
- Lewis Skolnick, Betty Skolnick: Umm.
- Dudley Dawson: He's one of those pretentious, hoity-toity nouveau riche types. He may be anti-nerd.
- Lewis Skolnick: *gasp*
- Betty Skolnick: Oh no.
- Motel Manager: Hmm.
- Betty Skolnick: Why does this always have to poke its ugly head out?
- Lewis Skolnick: Indeed. We need to nip this in the bud. Booger, I want you to know I take my job as best man very seriously, and I will take care of everything, including Jeannie's old man. Never fear, Skolnick's here.
- Betty Skolnick: I love you, you big galoot.
- Motel Manager: Are you sure your best man knows where we are located?
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, he'll find it, all right.
- [looks at watch]
- Dudley Dawson: As a matter of fact, he'll be here in exactly... 7 seconds... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
- [Lewis's semi approaches the motel where Booger is staying]
- Dudley Dawson: Right on the button. Lewis!
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger!
- Dudley Dawson: Pull in here!
- [Lewis honks his truck's horn, and stops his semi in the motel's parking lot]
- Lewis Skolnick: [Lewis and Booger laugh and enjoy a celebratory embrace] Oh, Booger's wedding!
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah!
- Lewis Skolnick: [singsong] Booger's getting married!
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, come on, stop it!
- Lewis Skolnick: Hey, what do you think of the truck?
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I would expect nothing else from the king of the nerds.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's got everything.
- Dudley Dawson: Where's Betty?
- Lewis Skolnick: Oh, follow me.
- Chip: You know, there's two days before the wedding. A lot of things could happen.
- Aaron Humphrey: Like what?
- Chip: Engagements get cancelled all the time for all sorts of reasons.
- Aaron Humphrey: You mean, break up the wedding?
- Chip: We all want what's best for the family.
- Aaron Humphrey: Break up my daughter's wedding? Don't even think about it, you've got a nasty mind, Chip! I hate when you have a nasty mind, break up my daughter's wedding, geez!
- Chip: In addition to ruining any chance of a political career, think for one minute what this will do to the family tree.
- Dudley Dawson: [Booger's portrait appears next to Jeannie, with Booger picking his nose] You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.
- Aaron Humphrey: Do whatever you have to do.
- Lamar: [puts a name tag on Aaron] "Daddy".
- Lewis Skolnick: Hi, Lewis Skolnick, best man.
- Aaron Humphrey: [reluctantly shakes Lewis's hand] Figures.
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger is just crazy about your daughter. He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.
- Aaron Humphrey: Right.
- Lewis Skolnick: You know, once you get to know Booger, you'll be very happy with what you see.
- [Lewis sips his cocktail]
- Aaron Humphrey: I'll be very happy when I get away from you.
- [Lewis gives a loud nasal laugh]
- Trevor Gulf: Excuse me, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Booger; why is that buttocks squished up against the window like a pressed Devonshire ham?
- Lewis Skolnick, Dudley Dawson: [Tippy shrieks and faints] Ogre!
- Ogre: [Lewis opens the door to let Ogre in] Lewey!
- Lewis Skolnick: Ogre! How are you?
- Ogre: How ya doing?
- Lewis Skolnick: Good.
- Ogre: See it?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah, I saw it.
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
- Ogre: Yeah!
- [applause]
- Chip: Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...
- Everybody: Yeah, yeah.
- Dudley Dawson: ...to Booger's love child.
- [suspenseful music]
- Dudley Dawson: Love child? What are you talking about?
- [suspenseful music continues]
- Chip: I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Ogre: All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!
- Aaron Humphrey: You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?
- Lois Humphrey: But...
- Dudley Dawson: I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Chip: The hell you don't!
- [everyone gasps]
- Lewis Skolnick: This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?
- Everybody: Yeah!
- Chip: My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?
- Chad Penrod: [takes out his notepad] I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
- Ogre: Cool.
- Trevor Gulf: Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Dudley Dawson: Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yes!
- Chad Penrod: Beats me.
- Dudley Dawson: If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?
- Chad Penrod: Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".
- Lamar: [Lewis has just separated a brawl between Lamar and Chip] I heard...
- Lewis Skolnick: Word!
- [Lewis glances at Chip]
- Lewis Skolnick: I can't believe what got into you two, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!
- [turns to Lamar]
- Lewis Skolnick: I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar! Now what was going on?
- Lamar: Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.
- Dudley Dawson: Crackin' on my parents? What kind of cracks, Chip?
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger.
- Unknown: Yeah, what kind?
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go
- Dudley Dawson: I'm not going to let it go.
- Lewis Skolnick: On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.
- Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?
- Chip: Uhh-uhh...
- Lamar: Chip said that your mama was so ugly, the Elephant Man paid to see her.
- [Ogre laughs loudly]
- Takashi: Hey everybody, everybody! Booger's parents are here! Mr. and Mrs. Booger, Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
- [applause]
- Dudley Dawson: Mom? Dad!
- Chip: They look like they just fell off a pickle truck.
- Gaylord: [slaps Chip] Chip!
- Chip: Ow!
- Dudley Dawson: Folks, everybody, excuse me, these are my parents.
- Everybody: Oh!
- Betty Skolnick: We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
- [applause]
- Dudley Dawson: I am flabbergasted. We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this... wonderful shower you're throwing us.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower he's ever had.
- [guffaws]
- Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly: every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.
- [more guffaws]
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
- Ogre: Yeah!
- [applause]
- Lewis Skolnick: So you might have a daughter in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?
- Dudley Dawson: [sighs] I don't know, it's certainly possible. God knows my seed is as strong as an Alaskan salmon, and I partied pretty hard in the early '80s.
- Lewis Skolnick: In Sandusky?
- Dudley Dawson: Apart from Akron, I probably spent more time in Sandusky than any place on Earth. Damnit! Everything was going so great, now it's ruined.
- Lewis Skolnick: Oh Booger, your wedding isn't ruined.
- Dudley Dawson: What are you talking about? We just had a food fight; people... don't have... food fights at their *bridal showers*! But I did! Some nouveau-riche guy, looked like he could have been a banker, is mashing handfuls of garnish up my nostrils.
- Lewis Skolnick: [sighs] I know things look bleak, but they've been bleak before: Do you remember at Adams College? We were exiled from the dorms and forced to live in the gymnasium. Do you remember in Fort Lauderdale, when we were persecuted into subjugation and incarcerated? How about when Orrin Price... framed me... for... embezzling Adams College computer research funds? We may have been subjected to the yoke of nerd oppression before, but we're not going to be subjected to it again!
- [flings aside a glass beer mug]
- Lewis Skolnick: This wedding is not over, the son of a gun has just begun! Come on, pal.
- Chip: Knock knock, this a private party?
- Aaron Humphrey: Have a drink, Chip.
- Chip: Thanks Dad - uh, Aaron, heh heh.
- [sighs]
- Chip: Well, I'm taking a lot of flak from this from my wife. I thought the, uh, food fight was a nice plus, though.
- Aaron Humphrey: This is a career day for you, Chip. A s a matter of fact, this is the first good thing I could ever remember you doing.
- Chip: Oh come on, I've done lots of good things.
- Aaron Humphrey: Name one.
- Chip: Are you serious?
- Aaron Humphrey: Name one.
- Chip: Well, there was, uh, uh...
- Aaron Humphrey: You don't do anything, and I pay you a fortune, but look, you made up for everything. You're the man who drove the Booger man out of my daughter's life.
- Chip: Heh.
- [Chip and Aaron have a celebratory toast]
- Aaron Humphrey: It um... it is true, Chip?
- Chip: Is what true?
- Aaron Humphrey: That, um... he has a... child with an unwed mother and all that?
- Chip: Yeah, sure it's true. The detective I hired found it.
- Aaron Humphrey: Because it, uh... it wouldn't be good if it wasn't true.
- Chip: It's true.
- Aaron Humphrey: Then, uh... then it's good.
- Chip: 'Cause it's true.
- Aaron Humphrey: Right; if it's true, it's good... and uh, I feel good about that.
- Chip: Good.
- Jeanie Humphrey: I love you, Booger.
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, I love you, too.
- Jeanie Humphrey: But marriage is about trust, no secrets from each other, remember?
- Dudley Dawson: I don't have any secrets.
- Jeanie Humphrey: Well, what about that child in Sandusky, Ohio?
- Dudley Dawson: I don't have a child in Sandusky, Ohio!
- Jeanie Humphrey: Well, why would Detective Penrod say that you did?
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know! I don't even know who Detective Penrod is! I'm a condemned man and I don't have a child!
- Jeanie Humphrey: I believe you, Booger.
- Dudley Dawson: You do?
- Jeanie Humphrey: Yes, because marriage is about trust, and I trust you completely.
- [laughs]
- Dudley Dawson: All I know is that I love you and I think we should continue the wedding.
- Jeanie Humphrey: Oh Booger, I don't know what to do. I don't know - I tell you - what's wrong or right anymore.
- Dudley Dawson: I, uh... I know it's a day early, but... I'd like you to read my valentine.
- [Jeanie giggles]
- Dudley Dawson: Open it up.
- Jeanie Humphrey: [reads from the card] Ahem, "An empty spot was on my heart, until I met you, O Valentine. Then the spot filled in, my heart was whole, I could love for the first time in my life, now that you are going to become... my wife." Ah, the hell with my dad!
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, that's exactly what I hoped you'd say!
- [Jeanie starts laughing and lowing like a cow]
- Dudley Dawson: Again.
- [Jeanie continues to make a lowing sound]
- Dudley Dawson: Ho ho ho ho ho, oh I can't tell you what it does to me to hear you moo again! Moooo!
- Jeanie Humphrey: Oh, Booger!
- Dudley Dawson: Jeanie!
- [Booger and Jeanie share a joyous embrace while lowing and mooing]
- Aaron Humphrey: Romeo, have you seen Chip?
- Romeo: [sarcastically] Oh sure, that's exactly what I have on my mind: worrying about where Chip is. Oh gee, where could Chip be? Here Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip; here Chip, Chip, Chip. Chip, Chip, Chip.
- Aaron Humphrey: How would you like to lose about 12 teeth?
- Romeo: Bitch.
- Chip: I'm looking for dirt, scandal, some deviant behavior, a skeleton in the closet that would be so horrible, it would break up a wedding, and money's no object.
- Chad Penrod: How did you find me?
- Chip: Let's just say, through a friend.
- Chad Penrod: And why do you wanna ruin the wedding?
- Chip: Well, my father-in-law's thinking of getting into politics, and the groom would ruin his chances.
- Chad Penrod: If the father-in-law doesn't the political arena, you don't take over the family business.
- Chip: Yes, well I suppose that would happen, but that's not my major concern.
- Chad Penrod: It's nerds, isn't it?
- Chip: How did you know that?
- Chad Penrod: I'm a detective.
- Chip: Wow.
- Chad Penrod: I had a case with nerds a couple months ago, they can be very slippery.
- Chip: How do I know you're any good?
- Chad Penrod: You know the dirt on the royal family?
- Chip: You?
- [Chad Penrod nods]
- Chip: Well, let's do business.
- Chad Penrod: All right, what's the groom's name?
- Chip: Uh, Dudley Dawson, but his friends call him "Booger".
- Chad Penrod: Well, that's the first thing in our favor.
- Chip: What's that?
- Chad Penrod: With a name like Booger, it shouldn't be too hard to get dirt on him, right?
- Lewis Skolnick: Okay, all right, anybody who feels that Booger could have had an illegitimate child in Sandusky, Ohio, raise your right hands.
- [Most of the Tri-Lambdas raise their hands at first, followed by Ogre and Betty]
- Lewis Skolnick: Opposed?
- Betty Skolnick: You don't think it's possible?
- Lewis Skolnick: No, I do not; Booger may be Booger, but he always took precautions.
- Lamar: That is right, he always did wear condoms.
- Takashi: Ohh, condoms!
- Lamar: Mm-hmm.
- Trevor Gulf: So, he couldn't have a child.
- Lewis Skolnick: No way.
- Chip: I - I thought you told me the love child was real.
- Chad Penrod: I didn't say she was real, I said it was a great idea.
- Chip: But it hasn't turned out to be such a great idea, has it? If Aaron finds out I've lied to him, I'm dead; he's gonna fire me.
- Chad Penrod: [sighs] Hey, if he fires you, isn't he also cutting off his own daughter?
- Chip: [whines] He's gonna give her an allowance that I'm not allowed to touch.
- Chad Penrod: Well... that'd do it.
- [Chip moans]
- Chad Penrod: Aw relax, will you? There are plenty of ways to ruin a wedding.
- Chip: Such as?
- Chad Penrod: It's easy, you know what bachelor parties are like: beautiful women, liquor flowing, raw naked temptation; Booger's bound to succumb. According to his bio, he's got the self-control of a Brahma bull.
- Chip: Uh, how would we, uh - how would we show proof of this?
- Chad Penrod: We'll make one of "America's least funny home videos".
- [Chip and Chad laugh mischievously]
- Chip: Do it.
- Chad Penrod: Hey, there's a horse here named "Big Booger".
- Lewis Skolnick: Now what was going on?
- Lamar: Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.
- Dudley Dawson: Crackin' on my parents?
- [pause]
- Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?
- Lewis Skolnick: [apprehensively] Booger.
- Unknown: Yeah, what kind?
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go.
- Dudley Dawson: I'm not going to let it go.
- Lewis Skolnick: On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.
- Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?
- [Chip stammers nervously]
- Lamar: Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.
- [Ogre laughs out loud, then silences himself]
- Chip: The point is, you have a 12-year old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!
- Dudley Dawson: This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio. That isn't what this is about at all.
- [pause]
- Dudley Dawson: This is because I'm a nerd...
- [the crowd gasps]
- Dudley Dawson: and it has been since the beginning.
- Lamar: Mm-hmm.
- Dudley Dawson: Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective? And then, announce this... detestable fabrication, this - this tissue of lies on the happiest day of my life?
- Jeanie Humphrey: Oh, Booger.
- Dudley Dawson: Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed? I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendoes, the looking down on us! We are what we are, aren't we?
- Everybody: Yeah, we are!
- Dudley Dawson: And we're proud of what we are.
- Everybody: Yeah, we are!
- Dudley Dawson: And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of...
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger! Don't say it!
- Ogre: Say it, Booger!
- Dudley Dawson: Nouveau-riche pigs!
- Ogre: There you go!
- Aaron Humphrey: You have... the audacity... to utter... the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding... self-made businesspeople! Shame on you, Booger! Shame on all of you nerds.
- Dudley Dawson: A bumper pool tournament, what an original idea for a bachelor party!
- Lewis Skolnick: I knew that you would love it, Booger.
- Mr. Dawson: Is there gonna be a girlie show?
- Lewis Skolnick: Mr. Dawson, that would be sexist.
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah, we believe it's possible to be entertained without demeaning women.
- Mr. Dawson: That's nice, but personally, I'd prefer a little skin.
- Chip: Hey fellas, I got winners.
- [chuckles]
- Dudley Dawson: He's got a lot of nerve showing his face around here.
- Mr. Dawson: Temper, temper.
- Lewis Skolnick: Don't worry about it, Booger, we got him under 24 hour surveillance. There's nothing he can do that we don't know about.
- [Lewis and Trevor wink at each other, followed by Lewis and Booger guffawing together]
- Aaron Humphrey: You mind if I spoke to Chip alone?
- Tippy: Oh, no, certainly. Come, sweetie. Gaylord!
- [Tippy and Jeanie leave the bedroom]
- Aaron Humphrey: This isn't good, Chip.
- Chip: No.
- Aaron Humphrey: So I'm gonna kill you, Chip. You made a fool out of my daughter!
- Chip: Aaron, I can explain everything.
- Aaron Humphrey: You lied about the illegitimate child, then you tried to frame Booger and you got caught!
- Chip: The illegitimate child will be here tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. She's on route right now from Sandusky, Ohio.
- Aaron Humphrey: There is no illegitimate child! You made it all up!
- Chip: The illegitimate child will be here at 10:00 in the morning!
- Aaron Humphrey: It better be! And you better get my daughter to forgive you, or there's no room for you in this family or at Humphrey Industries, you pervert creep!
- Takashi: Oh boy, that was one heck of a stag party last night, Lewis.
- Mr. Dawson: I know I'll never forget it.
- Trevor Gulf: I especially enjoyed your dance with the woman who removed her clothes, Mr. Booger.
- Lewis Skolnick: Trevor, there's a code of silence about what goes on at a stag party.
- Trevor Gulf: Code of silence?
- Lewis Skolnick: So reveal nothing, even if you're under hours of interrogation and torture.
- Ogre: Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.
- [chuckles]
- Ogre: Uh, who aren't I supposed to tell?
- Tippy: [lying in the bathtub] Aaron, I hope you didn't have anything to do with videotaping Booger at the stag party.
- Aaron Humphrey: Absolutely not, I wasn't even there.
- Tippy: Mm-hmm. Aaron, if you don't participate in this wedding and make your daughter proud of you, I'm going to leave you.
- Aaron Humphrey: You would leave me?
- Tippy: I've learned a lot from the nerds: nerds speak their mind. And from now on, I'm going to speak my mind, too. If you don't support your daughter during this wedding, I'm outta here.
- Tippy: Fix your ascot. It's not like I'm giving up that much.
- Aaron Humphrey: What is that supposed to mean?
- Tippy: Aaron, we haven't had sex since the Bush administration.
- Aaron Humphrey: Well, it's uh... hard to perform that way when the Democrats are in power. Ask any guy in this neighborhood; that's why the sex hasn't been that hot lately.
- Tippy: Hot? I'd settle for lukewarm. Zip your fly.
- Aaron Humphrey: [Aaron zips up his pants] Well, it's not all my fault. How can I have sex when I have to spend all my time fixing my ascot, zippering my fly, and matching my socks? I can't be perfect for you any more, Tippy! It's too much pressure.
- Tippy: Aaron, I thought I was helping you. I know how much you want to be accepted by the blue bloods, but you don't ever have to be perfect for me.
- Aaron Humphrey: I don't?
- Tippy: No, I just want you to be the imperfect animal I fell in love with.
- Aaron Humphrey: You mean it?
- Tippy: Absolutely.
- Aaron Humphrey: Tippy.
- Tippy: Aaron.
- Aaron Humphrey: Oh, Tippy.
- [Aaron steps into the bathtub with Tippy]
- Tippy: Aaron! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!