Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994 TV Movie)

Joseph Bologna: Aaron Humphrey

Quotes 

• Aaron Humphrey : Everybody who's important is gone.

  Tippy : No, no look, your sister's still here.

  Aaron Humphrey : My sister stays to the end of supermarket openings.

• Jeanie Humphrey : I love Booger! And I'm gonna marry him, no matter WHAT you say!

  Tippy : Jeanie!

  [to Aaron] 

  Tippy : What did you say to her?

  Aaron Humphrey : Nothing, I just made a suggestion.

  Tippy : Oh, can't we all just get along?

  Aaron Humphrey : She comes up with a guy who looks like he came out of a vending machine and I'M the one who's wrong!

• Chip : Isn't it just a little bit strange that Jeannie never brought uh, what's-his-butt over here before?

  Gaylord : His name is Dudley, and they only met three months ago.

  Aaron Humphrey : I know I'd be a shoo-in with the people if I could just get those old-money blue-bloods to endorse my candidacy.

  Chip : And they'd be damned fools not to, Dad, irregardless of the fact that you are nouveau riche.

  Aaron Humphrey : Don't you ever use that phrase in this house! I am not nouveau riche! I am a self-made businessman; and I'm not your dad, I'm your father-in-law, get it?

  Chip : Right, uh, self-made businessman, father-in-law, I got it.

• Chip : You know, there's two days before the wedding. A lot of things could happen.

  Aaron Humphrey : Like what?

  Chip : Engagements get cancelled all the time for all sorts of reasons.

  Aaron Humphrey : You mean, break up the wedding?

  Chip : We all want what's best for the family.

  Aaron Humphrey : Break up my daughter's wedding? Don't even think about it, you've got a nasty mind, Chip! I hate when you have a nasty mind, break up my daughter's wedding, geez!

  Chip : In addition to ruining any chance of a political career, think for one minute what this will do to the family tree.

  Dudley Dawson : [Booger's portrait appears next to Jeannie, with Booger picking his nose]  You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.

  Aaron Humphrey : Do whatever you have to do.

• Lamar : [puts a name tag on Aaron]  "Daddy".

  Lewis Skolnick : Hi, Lewis Skolnick, best man.

  Aaron Humphrey : [reluctantly shakes Lewis's hand]  Figures.

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger is just crazy about your daughter. He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.

  Aaron Humphrey : Right.

  Lewis Skolnick : You know, once you get to know Booger, you'll be very happy with what you see.

  [Lewis sips his cocktail] 

  Aaron Humphrey : I'll be very happy when I get away from you.

  [Lewis gives a loud nasal laugh] 

• Dudley Dawson : Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!

  Ogre : Yeah!

  [applause] 

  Chip : Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...

  Everybody : Yeah, yeah.

  Dudley Dawson : ...to Booger's love child.

  [suspenseful music] 

  Dudley Dawson : Love child? What are you talking about?

  [suspenseful music continues] 

  Chip : I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.

  Ogre : All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!

  Aaron Humphrey : You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?

  Lois Humphrey : But...

  Dudley Dawson : I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.

  Chip : The hell you don't!

  [everyone gasps] 

  Lewis Skolnick : This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?

  Dudley Dawson : Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?

  Everybody : Yeah!

  Chip : My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?

  Chad Penrod : [takes out his notepad]  I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.

  Ogre : Cool.

  Trevor Gulf : Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

  Dudley Dawson : Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

  Lewis Skolnick : Yes!

  Chad Penrod : Beats me.

  Dudley Dawson : If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?

  Chad Penrod : Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".

• Chip : Knock knock, this a private party?

  Aaron Humphrey : Have a drink, Chip.

  Chip : Thanks Dad - uh, Aaron, heh heh.

  [sighs] 

  Chip : Well, I'm taking a lot of flak from this from my wife. I thought the, uh, food fight was a nice plus, though.

  Aaron Humphrey : This is a career day for you, Chip. A s a matter of fact, this is the first good thing I could ever remember you doing.

  Chip : Oh come on, I've done lots of good things.

  Aaron Humphrey : Name one.

  Chip : Are you serious?

  Aaron Humphrey : Name one.

  Chip : Well, there was, uh, uh...

  Aaron Humphrey : You don't do anything, and I pay you a fortune, but look, you made up for everything. You're the man who drove the Booger man out of my daughter's life.

  Chip : Heh.

  [Chip and Aaron have a celebratory toast] 

• Aaron Humphrey : It um... it is true, Chip?

  Chip : Is what true?

  Aaron Humphrey : That, um... he has a... child with an unwed mother and all that?

  Chip : Yeah, sure it's true. The detective I hired found it.

  Aaron Humphrey : Because it, uh... it wouldn't be good if it wasn't true.

  Chip : It's true.

  Aaron Humphrey : Then, uh... then it's good.

  Chip : 'Cause it's true.

  Aaron Humphrey : Right; if it's true, it's good... and uh, I feel good about that.

  Chip : Good.

• Aaron Humphrey : Romeo, have you seen Chip?

  Romeo : [sarcastically]  Oh sure, that's exactly what I have on my mind: worrying about where Chip is. Oh gee, where could Chip be? Here Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip; here Chip, Chip, Chip. Chip, Chip, Chip.

  Aaron Humphrey : How would you like to lose about 12 teeth?

  Romeo : Bitch.

• Lewis Skolnick : Now what was going on?

  Lamar : Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

  Dudley Dawson : Crackin' on my parents?

  [pause] 

  Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?

  Lewis Skolnick : [apprehensively]  Booger.

  Unknown : Yeah, what kind?

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go.

  Dudley Dawson : I'm not going to let it go.

  Lewis Skolnick : On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

  Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?

  [Chip stammers nervously] 

  Lamar : Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.

  [Ogre laughs out loud, then silences himself] 

  Chip : The point is, you have a 12-year old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!

  Dudley Dawson : This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio. That isn't what this is about at all.

  [pause] 

  Dudley Dawson : This is because I'm a nerd...

  [the crowd gasps] 

  Dudley Dawson : and it has been since the beginning.

  Lamar : Mm-hmm.

  Dudley Dawson : Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective? And then, announce this... detestable fabrication, this - this tissue of lies on the happiest day of my life?

  Jeanie Humphrey : Oh, Booger.

  Dudley Dawson : Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed? I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendoes, the looking down on us! We are what we are, aren't we?

  Everybody : Yeah, we are!

  Dudley Dawson : And we're proud of what we are.

  Everybody : Yeah, we are!

  Dudley Dawson : And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of...

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger! Don't say it!

  Ogre : Say it, Booger!

  Dudley Dawson : Nouveau-riche pigs!

  Ogre : There you go!

  Aaron Humphrey : You have... the audacity... to utter... the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding... self-made businesspeople! Shame on you, Booger! Shame on all of you nerds.

• Aaron Humphrey : You mind if I spoke to Chip alone?

  Tippy : Oh, no, certainly. Come, sweetie. Gaylord!

  [Tippy and Jeanie leave the bedroom] 

  Aaron Humphrey : This isn't good, Chip.

  Chip : No.

  Aaron Humphrey : So I'm gonna kill you, Chip. You made a fool out of my daughter!

  Chip : Aaron, I can explain everything.

  Aaron Humphrey : You lied about the illegitimate child, then you tried to frame Booger and you got caught!

  Chip : The illegitimate child will be here tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. She's on route right now from Sandusky, Ohio.

  Aaron Humphrey : There is no illegitimate child! You made it all up!

  Chip : The illegitimate child will be here at 10:00 in the morning!

  Aaron Humphrey : It better be! And you better get my daughter to forgive you, or there's no room for you in this family or at Humphrey Industries, you pervert creep!

• Tippy : [lying in the bathtub]  Aaron, I hope you didn't have anything to do with videotaping Booger at the stag party.

  Aaron Humphrey : Absolutely not, I wasn't even there.

  Tippy : Mm-hmm. Aaron, if you don't participate in this wedding and make your daughter proud of you, I'm going to leave you.

  Aaron Humphrey : You would leave me?

  Tippy : I've learned a lot from the nerds: nerds speak their mind. And from now on, I'm going to speak my mind, too. If you don't support your daughter during this wedding, I'm outta here.

  Tippy : Fix your ascot. It's not like I'm giving up that much.

  Aaron Humphrey : What is that supposed to mean?

  Tippy : Aaron, we haven't had sex since the Bush administration.

  Aaron Humphrey : Well, it's uh... hard to perform that way when the Democrats are in power. Ask any guy in this neighborhood; that's why the sex hasn't been that hot lately.

  Tippy : Hot? I'd settle for lukewarm. Zip your fly.

  Aaron Humphrey : [Aaron zips up his pants]  Well, it's not all my fault. How can I have sex when I have to spend all my time fixing my ascot, zippering my fly, and matching my socks? I can't be perfect for you any more, Tippy! It's too much pressure.

  Tippy : Aaron, I thought I was helping you. I know how much you want to be accepted by the blue bloods, but you don't ever have to be perfect for me.

  Aaron Humphrey : I don't?

  Tippy : No, I just want you to be the imperfect animal I fell in love with.

  Aaron Humphrey : You mean it?

  Tippy : Absolutely.

  Aaron Humphrey : Tippy.

  Tippy : Aaron.

  Aaron Humphrey : Oh, Tippy.

  [Aaron steps into the bathtub with Tippy] 

  Tippy : Aaron! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

• Aaron Humphrey : Mylan, I'm so sorry for all the trouble that you've experienced with this affair.

  Tippy : Thanks for coming to the wedding.

  Mylan Whitfield : I do not care to judge you all on the basis of the hell I've been through, but I trust it was merely a horrific aberration, and I expect the wedding to be quite different.

  Aaron Humphrey : What?

  [takes out the check for Mylan's campaign fund] 

  Aaron Humphrey : Oh, I uh... trust that will be enough.

  Mylan Whitfield : [takes the check]  Wouldn't have missed this wedding for the world.

• Dudley Dawson : Heidi, where are you going?

  Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I shouldn't be here.

  Dudley Dawson : Of course, you should be here.

  Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I'm not really your daughter; Chip got me from an orphanage.

  Dudley Dawson : [suspiciously]  Chip... got you in an orphanage?

  Aaron Humphrey : [Chip scoffs]  You, uh... rented an orphan?

  Chip : Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

  [starts crying pathetically] 

  Chip : I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.

  Gaylord : [Aaron starts strangling Chip, rejecting his incompetent apology; Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment]  Daddy, don't!

  Everybody : [Gaylord slaps Chip, then kicks him in the groin with the wedding guests in the background chanting as Betty screams]  Betty, don't push!

  Aaron Humphrey : [to Chip]  Get off our land!

  Gaylord : [Chip cringes and starts to run away]  Aren't you forgetting something: the keys to the BMW?

  Aaron Humphrey : Cough 'em up!

  Lewis Skolnick : [with a stethoscope between his teeth]  Okay, honey!

  Chip : [Chip tosses the keys back to Aaron]  You nerds did this to me! But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!

  Gaylord : [Chip stumbles over a standing vase as he leaves the estate]  Bye, Chip!

  Chip : Hmph!

  Gaylord : My next husband's going to be a nerd.

• Aaron Humphrey : I, uh... I would like to make an announcement.

  [Betty screams while undergoing labor for her soon-to-be born child] 

  Aaron Humphrey : I have, uh... been a jerk for this whole wedding.

  U. N. Jefferson : You certainly have.

  Aaron Humphrey : Well, I've - I've never been around a nerd before, and I guess, uh... well, I guess I judged a book by its cover.

  [Betty groans while going through labor] 

  Aaron Humphrey : Booger, I know you and my Jeanie are going to be very happy together, because you know what you are, and you're proud of it.

  Aaron Humphrey : Well, I'm, uh... sick of trying to be something I'm not.

  Lewis Skolnick : [attending to Betty]  Come on, push honey, push, push!

  Aaron Humphrey : Tippy.

  [Tippy stands next to Aaron, who puts his arm on her shoulder] 

  Aaron Humphrey : I, I... I am nouveau riche, and I'm proud of it!

  Aaron Humphrey : [the wedding guests applaud]  Mylan, if who I am isn't good enough for the Republican party of this state, then to hell with the nomination! And that is the truth!