- Uncle Joe: Where's my special boy? Where's Uncle Joe's special boy?
- Little Carl: Here I am Uncle Joe.
- Uncle Joe: Carl get in touch with reality.
- Daniel McTeague: You say one more word and I'll kick your ass so high up you'll have to take off your shirt to shit!
- Robin: Danny, I love you and I believe in you. But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?
- Daniel McTeague: I had no idea just how sick you guys were.
- Frank: Come spend a day with us.
- Daniel McTeague: I'd rather shove this club up my ass.
- Glen: I'll do it for you.
- [opening the door to find Danny nude]
- Daniel McTeague: Who are you?
- Laura: Daniel McTeague?
- Daniel McTeague: No shit! That's my name too.
- Laura: No, I'm a private investigator.
- Daniel McTeague: You're a detective? Great help me find my pants.
- Glen: She's going to get everything. That's the way these old guys are. Tough as nails, biggest son of a bitch in the world, she touches his shriveled-up little noodle, and his brains turn to frozen yogurt. She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground and then get everything!
- Molly Richardson: Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe. He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch.
- Frank: Does he circle your ass?
- Molly Richardson: You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you?
- Frank: Yeah, we do.
- Molly Richardson: Let me tell you something, handsome. If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now.
- Robin: A young girl with a body like that.When she's through with him they'll be nothing left but a smile and an old hat.
- Daniel Sr.: You hired an actor to pretend he was me. And then pretended to get in a fight with him. And told him you preferred Uncle Joe to me.
- Daniel McTeague: Well when you put it like that it sounds kinda bad.
- Frank: Okay, Joe. Bare knuckles, toe to toe. We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mmm, delicious! What a cook!" - no more!
- Daniel McTeague: Look money's money. I need it just like everybody else. But money's not gonna turn me into some sycophantic, arse licking wacko.
- Daniel McTeague: These pills only work if I give them to him myself. It's a very rare condition.
- Hotel Clerk: Excuse me sir, does this say moron?
- Daniel McTeague: Ok I'll be honest with you I'm his nephew.
- Hotel Clerk: Oh, his nephew?
- Daniel McTeague: Yes.
- Hotel Clerk: Because he specifically said that his room number wasn't to be given to any of his relatives.
- Daniel McTeague: What the hell's the matter with you? Do you not care about this hotel's reputation? You know there is an old man shacked up here with a very young girl.
- Hotel Clerk: Sir, most of these rooms have old men with young girls: this is Washington.
- Glen: We were all decent people before Uncle Joe sunk his hooks into us. Except for Frank. He was always a son of a bitch.
- Daniel McTeague: Oh, great. Now I'm impotent.
- Robin: We just kissed for two seconds?
- Daniel McTeague: No, it never takes me this long. Usually we're showering by now!
- Frank: I'm insane? For five years I begged you, "Let's put him in a home!" No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls! None of you have any balls!
- Daniel McTeague: [Looking at photos of Mollie] Do you have any where she's leaning over a saddle looking coy?
- Uncle Joe: [referring to his doctor laid dead] He used to brag to me how he got up every morning at five am to play racketball at 71 years old. You don't hear him bragging now.
- Uncle Joe: [challenging Daniel] C'mon out here in the deep end, show that girlfriend of yours what you're made of.
- Daniel McTeague: Oh definitely. I'm gonna beat up an elderly crippled man, and she's gonna say "my what a catch".
- Molly Richardson: You tell your cousins I'm not afraid of them. And you leave Joe alone.
- Daniel McTeague: You keep your breasts off his eyebrows.
- Patti: Carl... Carl, what happened? Is he...?
- Carl: Massive coronary. He died instantly.
- Patti: Really? You mean just...?
- Carl: And he left everything to you, sis.
- Patti: Really?
- Carl: No, it wasn't even him. It was Dr. Hemmel.
- Ed: You son of a bitch.
- Carl: Ooh, you really wish it was the old man in the ambulance, don't you?
- Ed: I did before, but now I wish it was you.
- Carl: How are your girls, Ed?
- Patti: That's right, we have girls. You know why? Because we weren't cynical and cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin it around to separate the X's from the Y's! Excuse me, brother, but no matter how much uncle Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go. Jolene? Joette? Let's go in, girls.
- [Daniel, angry, throws a bowling ball out a window]
- Robin: You hit a car! You could've killed somebody!
- Daniel McTeague: The way I bowl...
- Angry Husband: You made my life a living hell!
- Angry Wife: Kiss my ass!
- Angry Husband: That could take all night!
- Nora McTeague: Stop it! Don't you see what's happening here?
- Tina: Yeah, you're out of scotch.
- Frank: Oh, Tina, go lie down.
- Patti: Yes, we have girls. We're not so cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin 'em around to separate the X's from the Y's.
- Daniel McTeague: You missed the basket while you was on the guy with the painted face. People hate that.
- TV Director: Wait a minute. Who's directing this you or me? Let me check.
- [Looks down at chair]
- TV Director: That's my ass. That's my ass in the director's chair. Shit. I must be the director!
- Carl: [Referring to Danny] He double crossed us.
- Daniel McTeague: [to his dad] Because they're scum. I mean they're greedy.
- Frank: We're greedy? We were willing to share!
- Joe: [Uncle Joe gets in elevator] Why don't we just cut the cable?
- Nora McTeague: Sssshhhhh.
- Carl: It's too thick.
- Molly Richardson: You bastard!
- Daniel McTeague: I like it better when she says it. I think it's the accent or something.
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