Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Sean Young: Einhorn

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching] 

  Ace Ventura : Holy testicle Tuesday.

  Lois Einhorn : What the hell is he doing here?

  Ace Ventura : I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

• Lois Einhorn : Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

  Ace Ventura : Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

• Lois Einhorn : Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.

  Ace Ventura : Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

• Lois Einhorn : We'll find the porpoise.

  Ace Ventura : [to Lt. Einhorn]  Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

• Lois Einhorn : [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers]  Shoot him! Shoot him!

  Emilio : [offscreen]  Hold your fire!

  [walks in with Melissa, gun to his head] 

  Emilio : Don't shoot!

  Melissa : Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

  [cocks revolver] 

  Emilio : She's not joking!

  Lois Einhorn : [ignoring them]  He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!

  Ace Ventura : Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

  [takes deep breath] 

  Ace Ventura : What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!

  [takes another deep, relief breath] 

  Aguado : What the hell are you talking about?

  Ace Ventura : SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

  Lois Einhorn : He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

• Lois Einhorn : What would you know about pressure?

  Ace Ventura : Well, I have kissed a man.

• Lois Einhorn : And somebody get me some coffee!

  Ace Ventura : Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.

• [Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head] 

  Ace Ventura : [begging]  Don't kill me. Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. He's the one you want, kill him!

  Dan Marino : No, no kill him.

  Ace Ventura : No kill him. He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at the guy.

  [Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air] 

  Dan Marino : Cry-baby.

  Ace Ventura : Jock.

  Dan Marino : Whimp.

  Ace Ventura : Muscle-head.

  Lois Einhorn : SHUT UP.

• Lois Einhorn : DIE ANIMAL BOY!

  Ace Ventura : Quick Decision

• Lois Einhorn : You've done some fine detective work... 'Ace'.

  Ace Ventura : I'm sorry. Could you please speak in to my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.

• Ace Ventura : You're certain you had to open this door.

  Aguado : Yeah, I'm certain.

  Lois Einhorn : What's the point, Ventura?

  Ace Ventura : Only this.

• Lois Einhorn : [to Emilio]  Who let Dr. Dolittle in?

• Ace Ventura : Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.

  Lois Einhorn : [from behind the bathroom door]  Oh yeah?

  Ace Ventura : Yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

  Lois Einhorn : [the water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner]  Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

  Ace Ventura : I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room... Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

  Lois Einhorn : So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

  Ace Ventura : My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake... they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.

  [Einhorn listens with great interest] 

  Lois Einhorn : So where is Finkle, now?

  Ace Ventura : Busted out of a mental institute. Did a Claude Raines. He's been plotting his revenge for years, waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!

• Lois Einhorn : I need some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan.

• Lois Einhorn : What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun? I just love Super Bowl Sunday! Don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon... where dreams are made... and crushed!

  Dan Marino : Look, lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way!

  Lois Einhorn : Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?

  Dan Marino : I-I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.