Leap of Faith (1992)

Steve Martin: Jonas

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Quotes 

• Jonas : Look, I run a show here. It's a lot of smoke and noise and it's strictly for the suckers. I've been pulling one kind of scam or another since I was your age, and if there's one thing I know it's how to spot the genuine article because that's what you've got to watch out for. Not the cops, you can always get around the cops. But the one thing you can never, ever get around is the genuine article, and you, kid, are the genuine article.

• Jonas : Death's a breeze. Ever hear someone come back to complain?

• Jonas : Hey boss. Remember me? Jack Newton. Got a question for you. Why did you make so many suckers? You say, 'love never endeth.' Well, I say, love never starts! You say, 'the meek shall inherit the earth.' And, I say, the only thing the meek can count on is getting the short end of the stick! You say, 'is there one among you who is pure of heart?' And, I say, not one!

• Jonas : What did the doctors tell you about your legs?

  Boyd : The doctors have nothing to do with my legs. I'll walk if it's God's will.

  Jonas : God doesn't have a trucker's license.

  Boyd : I believe that things happen for a reason.

  Jonas : You believe that. I'm gonna run.

• Jane : You really don't care about anybody or anything except yourself, do you?

  Jonas : Oh, Jane... I never pretended I did.

• [Will comes to the revival to confront Jonas in front of his congregation] 

  Will : Wait a minute, Reverend. I want to testify. I said I want to testify.

  Jonas : So, speak up, Sheriff!

  Will : Before you leave your hard-earned money in those buckets, I want you to know where it's going. Alias Jonas Nightengale, born Jack Newton, does not come from the Appalachians. He was born in the Bronx. The closest he came to a church was the Mary and Joseph Orphanage, where he lived from five to fifteen. Then he ran away to begin a life of crime, including convictions for shoplifting, possession of marijuana and grand theft auto, all before the age of 18. He was arrested for selling fraudulent art works and passing bad checks. Now, if you feel you've had a good night's entertainment, then go ahead, tip the dancing bear. But, if you think this money's going to a man of God, you'd better think again.

  [the citizens of Rustwater begin to file out. Seemingly defeated, Jonas leaves the stage. He then returns] 

  Jonas : Brother Will! Everything you've said is true. Absolutely true. Yes, I was born to lowly circumstances. Yes, I ran with a bad crowd that taught me to smoke weed and steal. I hung out in bars. And I hot-wired cars. I grew up mistreated, so I lied and I cheated. I learned hard crime and I served hard time. I have walked that crooked road and I have danced with the demon Satan. I've been face down in the gutter and looked up into the face of God.

  [the citizens of Rustwater begin returning to their seats and cheer Jonas on] 

  Jonas : And I say to you tonight, if you wanna give up the bottle, who you gonna talk to? Someone who's never touched a drop? If you wanna give up womanising, who you gonna talk to? Some pale-skinned virgin priest?

  [Everyone is now openly clapping and cheering to Will's dismay] 

  Jonas : If you wanna give up sin - and I believe everyone here tonight wants to give up sin - who can lead you off that crooked road? You need a real sinner, people. A sinner of such monumental proportions that all your sins, wrapped up in one, couldn't possibly equal the sins of this King of Sin! Because you know, if he can walk that straight and righteous path, if he can go from grift to grace, from sin to sanctity, from lowliness to holiness, that you, with all your everyday sins, can rise up like an angel and ride that golden elevator to God's own penthouse in the sky!

• Boyd : Are you saying you think you're a fake?

  Jonas : I know I'm a fake.

  Boyd : Well, what difference does it make, if you get the job done?

  Jonas : Kid, it makes all the difference in the world.

• Jonas : [Addressing the congregation as the choir sings]  Oh, people, the Lord is speaking to me right now.

  [to Jane via a wireless radio transmitter] 

  Jonas : It better be good.

  Jane : Now just relax. Cherry hat, Section 4, Row F.

  Jonas : [points to the elderly man]  You sir, in the brown jacket, I feel a burden you're carrying.

  Brown Jacket : Who-who, me?

  Jonas : Yes, sir. Now stand up and tell me if I'm hearing the Lord right. You're having a problem with your neighbor, am I right?

  Brown Jacket : I sure am.

  Jonas : Building a fence. Gonna harm your kids, right?

  Brown Jacket : Yes, sir.

  Jonas : Well, the Lord tells me...

  Jane : [on the bus watching the events on the TV monitors; impressed]  Amazing!

  Jonas : [continues]  ... is to make 'im your friend. You talk to him, and serve him up your best fried chicken...

  [to his wife with the cherry hat] 

  Jonas : because yours is the best in the county, ain't it ma'am?

  Woman with Cherries Hat : [excited]  You know it is!

  Jonas : Whoa boy, I'd love to get me some of that! Now come on up and thank the Lord for his saving!

• Jane : Will said he's got a surprise for you. Something about giving you enough rope.

  Jonas : Why you go tell him to go kick some shit! There's not enough rope in Kansas to hang this boy. Besides, wait till you see the pitch. I got a little surprise myself.

• Jonas : She wants me.

  Jane : [sarcastically]  Eh, yeah. I think you should stick with your bible-boinkers.

  Jonas : Jane, a woman is like a slingshot. The greater the resistance, the further you can get with 'em.

• Jonas : You can't have it both ways.

• Jonas : There's only thing bigger than the fear, my friends, only one thing. And that one thing - is the faith. Faith that the universe will need his skill! Faith that his woman loves his soul not what's on his head! Faith that his children will be protected not by a man with a.357 Magnum, but by The Man with the 12-guage super-charged grenade launcher of love!

• Jonas : Yakety yak, God's talking back!

• Jonas : A town this deep in the crapper's got nowhere to turn but GOD!

• Jonas : Never underestimate the power of belief, boy. With it, I've seen a mute sing "Hallelujah" and I've seen an old man get out of his wheelchair and dance. When you've got it, you've got the power of every ocean and every star right in your hand. Without it you've got nothing. Everyone you meet is just another sinner, and everywhere you go is just another hell.

• [repeated line] 

  Jonas : Thank you, Jesus!

• Jonas : I always win.

  Hoover : All I know, if it wasn't for you, I'd be playing doctor with some car thief. What can I say, man?

  Jonas : Just say, "Thank you, Jesus!"

• Jonas : [reading her name tag]  Marva, huh? As in "Marvellous"?

  Marva : As in my grandmother.

  Jonas : Not for a second.

• Jonas : O ye of little faith!

• Marva : Special is steak. No liver, no fish, no spinach.

  Jonas : Awful lot of no's there, Marva.

  Marva : No lip.

• Marva : May I take your order?

  Jonas : Sure. I'll have the KKK omelette. Whites only.

• Jonas : To me, there's no thrill greater than the thrill of preaching. First moment, you wonder, "Can I touch them?" "Will they feel what I feel?" Sometimes they don't feel it at first, that sense of longing, of needing the Lord. You know how it feels to really need something.

• Jonas : Sometimes a person doesn't even know what they need. They wake up itchy, hungry for whiskey or money or food. But, what they really need - is love. Sweet, tender caresses - of the Lord.

• Jonas : If you're still driving that beat-up pickup, eating macaroni helper and day-old bread, you come on out and celebrate the miracle of faith, the power of healing.

• Jane : So, what's new with Miss Congeniality?

  Jonas : Nothing. And I'm using all my "A" material. How could she not go for it? Everybody goes for it.

  Jane : So you strike out for once in your life. I mean, What do you care?

  Jonas : It's got me curious, now. It's like she's got fuming down to an art. Besides, it's a matter of principle, like a quest.

  Jane : Sort of a Holy Grail of road pussy kind of thing?

  Jonas : Eloquent as always.

• Jonas : I feel the Lord's holy juice pumping through my veins! I feel a healing coming on.

• Marva : This town is full of single women. Why won't you leave me alone?

  Jonas : I don't know. It must be your money. You know, Marva, I've seen a lot of people lie to themselves, but they don't fool anyone.

  Marva : Lying, huh? Your personal area of expertise?

  Jonas : That's not true. My talent is telling people the truth.

• Jonas : Remember, the more you give, the more you live!

• Jane : [Jonas gives Jane a new puppy]  What's his name?

  Jonas : Well, he's smart and hung like a moose. So, I kind of thought...

  Jane : Jack from Neptune!

  Jonas : Come on! Come on!

  Jane : I know, Jonas Junior.

  Jonas : Jonas! Jonas! He's a good boy, too!

• Jonas : God don't want no doubt money. No! And I don't want no doubt money. N-O! Because doubt money burned the fingers of the righteous and I, Jonas Nightingale, will not be burned!

• Boyd : Do you always jog in a cowboy hat like that?

  Jonas : I used to jog in my boots.

• Jonas : Look, kid, everybody's a loser one of these days. The trick is not acting like a loser.

• Jane : I just feel bad is all, these people are so broke.

  Jonas : Gee, Gidg, you feel bad for the poor people but you want to keep their money. What's a girl to do? Move to Kansas? Marry old Will and slop the hogs? Take it from me, babe, you can't have it both ways.

  Jane : I don't believe I defended you. I'm so sick and tired of manipulators.

  Jonas : Manipulators are sneaky! I'm obvious. And right!

• Jane : Jonas, have you had any sleep lately?

  Jonas : Too busy to sleep. Places to go and people to do.

• Jonas : What if I told you that one good deed would return ten good deeds unto you? Would you believe me? And what if I told you that one righteous day would return ten days of good fortune? Would you believe me? Then, what if I told you that one dollar spent in the service of the Lord would return your money ten-fold? Would you believe me?

• Jonas : Watch out, I'm vibrating! I'm vibrating. Oh, I'm vibrating - oh - with Jesus! I'm feeling the power!

• Jonas : Wow! You just really don't give a shit about anybody or anything, do you?

  Jane : Janey, I never pretended I did.

  Jane : God, you're right. You never did.