Camp Wilder (1992–1993)

Jay Mohr: Dorfman

Quotes 

• [the gang is playing with a Ouija Board] 

  Dorfman : Go ahead, Beth, ask it anything.

  Beth : Okay.

  [pause] 

  Beth : Why do guys say they're gonna call, and so you give them your number, and you wait by the phone, and do they call? No!

  Dorfman : Ask and answer. Okay!

• [Ricky is dreaming that she is in labor. The doctor pulls out Brody from her womb] 

  Ricky Wilder : Brody!

  Doctor : That's a nice name!

  Brody Wilder : Hey, Rick, can I have the keys to your car?

  Ricky Wilder : In my pur...

  [goes into labor once more] 

  Doctor : There's another one. Wait, there's something blocking the way.

  [pulls out a skateboard, then pulls out Dorfman] 

  Dorfman : Hi, doc! Hey, what happened to the bag of chips I had?

  Ricky Wilder : Dorfman!

  Doctor : Hang on, there's one more.

  [pulls out Melissa] 

  Melissa Wilder : Fine. Give birth to me, but you are not my mother.

  [the doctor pulls out Danielle] 

  Danielle : Nice shoes! Can I have them?

  [the doctor pulls out Beth] 

  Beth : Ricky, there's a hole in the Ozone Layer, and you're bringing babies into this world?

  [shakes her head disapprovingly] 

• Beth : Honestly, Brody, you're taking this fight thing way out of proportion.

  Brody Wilder : Why not tell that to Danielle?

  Beth : What?

  Brody Wilder : Oh, that's right, Beth. Act surprised. I know she and Dex have a date tonight. I can't believe you guys.

  [exit] 

  Beth : [sits down on the couch with Dorfman]  I feel terrible.

  Dorfman : Me too.

  Beth : I thought Dex wanted me.

• Brody Wilder : Any luck finding your cat, Beth?

  Beth : No. Dorfman put an ad in the paper, but we can't find it.

  Dorfman : [points at an ad in the newspaper]  Here it is. Right under "Love Warrior seeks nonsmoking dentist."

  Beth : You put it in the Personals?

  Dorfman : Yeah. Who reads the Lost and Found?

  Danielle : [reads]  "Lost and Lonely, SWF?"

  Dorfman : Spayed White Feline.

  Danielle : [reads]  "Lost and Lonely, SWF, Cute and cuddly, neatly trimmed nails, seeks master...?"

  Beth : Dorfman, what are you doing to me? I'm gonna get a bunch of men calling and wanting to meet me.

  [pauses to think] 

  Beth : I'm gonna go check my messages.