Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

Keanu Reeves: Ted

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Dead Bill S. Preston almost falls down when climbing around in Hell] 

  Dead Bill : Ted.

  Dead Ted : Yeah?

  Dead Bill : If I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.

  Dead Ted : But, dude, we're already dead.

  Dead Bill : Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.

• Dead Bill : Ted?

  Dead Ted : What?

  Dead Bill : Don't "Fear the Reaper"!

  [both of them do an air guitar] 

  Grim Reaper : I heard that.

• Grim Reaper : A hit. You have sank my battleship!

  Dead Bill , Dead Ted : Excellent! Yeah!

  Dead Ted : I totally knew he put it in the J's, dude!

  Dead Bill : Good thinking, Ted.

  Grim Reaper : You must play me again.

  Dead Bill : WHAT?

  Grim Reaper : Um, best two out of three.

  Dead Ted : No way!

  Grim Reaper : Yes way.

• [falling down a really big hole] 

  Dead Bill : Hey, you wanna play 20 questions?

  Dead Ted : Okay! I got one!

  Dead Bill : Are you a mineral?

  Dead Ted : Yeah!

  Dead Bill : Are you a tank?

  Dead Ted : Whoa! Yeah!

• Grim Reaper : I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.

  Dead Bill : Sorry, Death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!

  Grim Reaper : I said Plum!

  Dead Ted : No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?

  Grim Reaper : Uh, best three out of five!

  Dead Ted : I don't believe this guy!

• Bill : You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!

  Evil Ted : Yeah, and we're fully gonna do it again!

• Ted : I can't believe Missy divorced your Dad, and married mine.

  Bill : Shut up, Ted.

• [during séance. Bill and Ted are floating above Missy] 

  Missy : Spirits, can you hear me?

  Dead Ted : Yeah. And we can totally see down your...

  Dead Bill : Ted! That's your mom, dude!

• Dead Ted : [to God]  Keep up the good work.

• Dead Bill : Ted, it's the Grim Reaper, dude!

  Dead Ted : Oh. How's it hangin' Death?

• Colonel Oats : Get down and give me... infinity.

  [they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse] 

  Colonel Oats : You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...

  Bill : Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!

  Ted : Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?

  Colonel Oats : ...jokers! You petty, base, bully, bullock, bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms!

  Bill : Dude, we gotta get outta here.

  Colonel Oats : I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...

  [Bill and Ted jump up and run away] 

  Colonel Oats : GET BACK HERE!

• Bill , Ted : Catch you later, God!

• [Bill and Ted fall into an abyss toward hell] 

  Bill , Ted : AAAAAAAAHHHH!

  [they run out of breath, then pause and look around, still falling, not sure what to do] 

  Bill : AAAH...!

  Bill , Ted : AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

  Bill : Dude, this is a totally deep hole.

  Ted : Yeah... now what?

  Bill : I don't know.

  [pause] 

  Bill : AAAH...!

  Bill , Ted : AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

• Evil Ted : I got a full-on robot chubby.

• Evil Ted : Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for the cat!

• Bill : Dude!

  Ted : What?

  Bill : Hell sucks!

  Ted : Definitely!

• Beelzebub : Choose your eternity!

  Dead Ted : Choose your own, you fag!

  [Ted is pushed against a wall by some evil force] 

  Dead Bill : You ugly, red, source of all evil!

  [Bill is pushed against the same wall] 

• Dead Ted : Bill, what happened?

  Dead Bill : Ted, we're dead, dude.

  Dead Ted : No way!

  Dead Bill : Yes way!

• Grim Reaper : You will come with me.

  Ted : Bill, we can't! We gotta get back to the babes!

  Bill : Ted, we can't! We're dead, dude!

  Ted : We gotta stop those evil usses! We gotta try!

  Bill : [to Death]  Excuse us, dude, but is there any way back?

  Grim Reaper : You may challenge me to a contest, but if you lose, you will remain here in the afterlife forever.

  Ted : What if we win?

  Grim Reaper : No-one has ever won.

  Grim Reaper : [he smiles terrifyingly] 

  Ted : [to Bill]  Dude, we gotta ditch this guy.

• [Evil Bill & Ted are holding the real Bill & Ted over a cliff] 

  Bill : Ted, we gotta do something!

  Ted : Dudes, even though you're doing this, we... we...

  Bill : We love you!

  Ted : We love you!

  Evil Bill , Evil Ted : Fags!

• Ted : Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!

  Bill : Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.

• Ms. Wardroe : Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?

  Bill , Ted : [in unison]  No way.

• Dead Ted : Are you sure about this?

  Dead Bill : It worked in The Exorcist. I and III!

• Evil Bill : [Good Bill calls as Evil Bill and Ted are leaving with the princesses; Evil Bill answers the phone]  Logan residence. Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire speaking.

  [to Evil Ted] 

  Evil Bill : It's them! They're back from the dead.

  Evil Ted : [shrugs]  Guess we get to kill 'em again.

  Evil Bill , Evil Ted : Excellent!

• [Evil Robot Bill and Evil Robot Ted arrive at 1988] 

  Evil Bill : Not bad...

  Evil Ted : Yeah. Let's make it bad.

• Ted : You are a most excellent scientist, Station.

  Bill : Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!

  Big Station : Station!

• Ted : Now where are we?

  [they hear footsteps] 

  Bill : Who's that?

  [a man in an army uniform is marching towards them] 

  Ted , Bill : It's Colonel Oats! No way!

  Colonel Oats : GENTLEMEN!

  [he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose] 

  Colonel Oats : Welcome to hell.

• Bill : DUDE!

  Ted : WHAT?

  Bill : Hell Sucks!

  Ted : Definitely!

  [shouts] 

  Ted : NOOOOO!

  Colonel Oates : YOU TWO-TOED, NO NOSED SALAMANDERS!

  Evil Easter Bunny : [teasing Bill and Ted]  Deacon's Easter Basket, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!

  Granny Preston : [laughs maniacally]  HEH HEH HEH! HEH HEH HEH! HEH HEH HEH HEH!

  Colonel Oates : COME TO OATSIE!

  [charges Bill and Ted] 

  Evil Easter Bunny : [teasing repeatedly]  Deacon's Easter Basket, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!

  Granny Preston : ALL I WANT IS ONE! RIGHT ON THE LIPS!

  [charging Bill and Ted] 

  Bill : Ted, there's only ONE way outta here, man!

  Ted : You're right, dude! We gotta play the Reaper.

  Grim Reaper : [the Reaper enters Bill and Ted in the Darkness]  Choose your game. But if you lose, you will stay here in hell, forever.

• Colonel Oates : [Bill and Ted find themselves in boot camp for all eternity]  GENTLEMEN! Welcome to Hell.

  Ted : No way...

  Colonel Oates : WHAT?

  Ted : Uh... no way, sir?

  Colonel Oates : You two will do whatever I tell you to do from now on. Is that clear?

  Bill : Yes sir, dude.

  Colonel Oates : WHAT?

  Bill : Yes dude, sir.

  Colonel Oates : WHAT?

  Bill : Yes sir! Sir! Dude!

• Chuck De Nomolos : What is the fuel?

  De Nomolos' followers : Fear!

  Chuck De Nomolos : What is the engine?

  De Nomolos' followers : Discipline!

  Chuck De Nomolos : What is the ideal?

  De Nomolos' followers : Order!

  Chuck De Nomolos : And how do we achieve it?

  Evil Bill , Evil Ted : Death to Bill and Ted!

• Ted : Should be a most resplendent birthday party.

• Ms. Wardroe : Since you guys do work for Pretzels 'N' Cheese, I'm going to give you a shot.

  Bill , Ted : Excellent!

• Evil Bill : Let's go.

  Bill , Ted : Bogus.

• Heaven's Gatekeeper : What is the meaning of life?

  Ted : Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.

  Bill : Just like every cowboy, sings a sad, sad song.

• Ted : Dude, I gotta very bad feeling.

• Ted : How do we know these guys are really us?

  Bill : Ted, we've been through this before. Now, if it wasn't for the previous intervention of our future selves, would we have passed history? Or met the babes? Or had a most excellent adventure through time?

• Bill : I wonder if after we're married, the princesses will stay over with us?

  Ted : Yeah, our girlfriends are most chaste.

  Bill : Yeah. At least they're not datin' our dads.

  Ted : Good point, dude.

  Bill : Yeah.

• Ted : Congratulations on Earth! It's a most excellent planet and Bill and I enjoy it on a daily basis.

  Bill : Yeah. Not to mention your other great planets: Mars, Jupiter, Uranus.

• Bill : Ladies and gentlemen, we've been to the past. We've been to the future.

  Ted : We've been all around the afterlife.

  Bill : And you know... Ted?

  Ted : The best place to be - is here.

  Bill : The best time to be - is now. And all we can say is...

  Ted , Bill : Let's rock!