- Mr. Jolly: Look, just because my second name is Jolly doesn't mean I have to be jolly all the fucking time!
- [Nicholas Parsons knocks on Mr Jolly's door]
- Mr. Jolly: [calling through door] Who is it?
- Nicholas Parsons: Nicholas Parsons.
- Mr. Jolly: Fuck off.
- Nicholas Parsons: I said Nicholas Parsons.
- Mr. Jolly: I know, fuck off. I don't care if you're Bob Monkhouse, fuck off.
- Nicholas Parsons: Do you think I could use your telephone?
- [Mr Jolly opens the door]
- Mr. Jolly: Do I have to spell it out? F-U...
- Nicholas Parsons: What is this game?
- Dreamytime Escort: [drunkenly] Well, these are the rules.
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes?
- Dreamytime Escort: I go out of the room.
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes?
- Dreamytime Escort: Then...
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes?
- Dreamytime Escort: I come back in.
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes?
- Dreamytime Escort: You got that?
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes.
- Dreamytime Escort: Right. I'll go first.
- Dreamytime Escort: God bless Heimi Henderson.
- Dreamytime Escort: Living above an off-license, what could be better?
- Dreamytime Escort: Living in one?
- Dreamytime Escort: You're right. We must become a lot more friendly with Heimi Henderson.
- Dreamytime Escort: What's Mr Jolly got that we haven't got?
- Dreamytime Escort: Our bloody Fairy Liquid.
- Nicholas Parsons: What exactly was your winning slogan?
- Dreamytime Escort: Never, ever, bloody anything ever!
- Nicholas Parsons: And that was your winning slogan?
- Dreamytime Escort: That's the one, Nicky. I've lived my life by that rule.
- Nicholas Parsons: "I would like to spend an evening with Nicholas Parsons because...never, ever, ever, bloody anything ever"?
- Dreamytime Escort: You're pissed, aren't you, Nicholas?
- Dreamytime Escort: Morning, Ralph, how's the fluffy toy business?
- Mr. Jolly: Who the bloody hell are you, what fluffy...Oh, brilliant, yeah.
- Dreamytime Escort: Well, that's Fattie's money out of the window.
- Dreamytime Escort: And Fattie.
- Dreamytime Escort: Well, it's his own fault. You shouldn't play "let's see who can fall out of the window the best" when you're drunk.
- Dreamytime Escort: Not on the 18th floor, no.
- Dreamytime Escort: All I'm saying is that one advertisement in the Times saying, "What are you doing this weekend, fancy getting drunk?" won't work. You've got to put the telephone number!
- Dreamytime Escort: But we know the telephone number!
- Policeman: Are you drunk, sir?
- Dreamytime Escort: Of course I am, I'm out of my bloody mind, I've just spent three thousand quid in there.
- Dreamytime Escort: So, Nicholas. I suppose you spend most of your time opening supermarkets and heliports, these days.
- Nicholas Parsons: Well, yes. You... You know how it is. As a matter of fact tomorrow I am opening an off-license.
- Dreamytime Escort: [both Dreamytime Escorts stare at Nicholas] You're opening an off-license?
- Nicholas Parsons: Yes, an off-license.
- Dreamytime Escort: GOD! Imagine being so important you can open an off-license!
- Dreamytime Escort: And we're with him right now, aren't we Nicky baby?
- Dreamytime Escort: Yes yes yes, it's a fantastic house, Nicholas. Now. Have you got any dirty films?
- Nicholas Parsons: No!
- Dreamytime Escort: You BASTARD!
- Mr. Lovebucket: Now if you don't kill Nicholas Parsons by twelve o'clock, I'll kill you. Make it tidy.
- [puts down a handgun]
- Mr. Lovebucket: But if you can't do that, make it messy.
- [one of Mr Jolly's henchmen puts down a chainsaw]
- Henchman #2: Yeah. And if you can't make it messy...
- [puts down a pair of hand grenades]
- Henchman #2: ...make it noisy.
- Henchman #3: And if you can't make it noisy...make it stupid.
- [puts down a stuffed toy rabbit]
- Dreamytime Escort: [answering phone] Dreamytime Escorts! Ah-ha...ah-ha...er, ah-ha...yeah, ah-ha...ah-ha-ha-ha-ha...ah-ha, ah-ha-haa...ah-ha...ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...ah-ha...ah-haa-haa-haa...errr...okay!
- [hangs up]
- Dreamytime Escort: What was that?
- Dreamytime Escort: Wrong number.
- [they sigh]
- Dreamytime Escort: Only joking! It's an engagement for this morning, ten o'clock. A Mr Yakimoto.
- Dreamytime Escort: Oh God. Another French bastard.
- Dreamytime Escort: One thousand, five hundred and seventy four gin and tonics please Monica.
- Dreamytime Escort: LARGE ones.
- Dreamytime Escort: [cut to scene mid-conversation] ... and she said "Well, I don't think you're a fishmonger. I think you've done a plop in the wrong lavatory."
- Dreamytime Escort: Are you sure you haven't got a bar in this place?
- Policeman: Yes, sir.
- Dreamytime Escort: Well what's that alcohol smell then?
- Sir Larry: Embalming fluid.
- Dreamytime Escort: BARMY fluid! Right, I'll have some of that, then.
- Dreamytime Escort: Here, you're a policeman. You could get a pub open at this time of the morning, couldn't you, eh?
- Dreamytime Escort: [Referring to Mr jolly] He gets through a lot of Fairy Liquid doesn't he? Maybe his lager's flat.
- Dreamytime Escort: Oh look, a traditional old English illegal drinking establishment. Oi squaw, squaw, over here.
- [to the client]
- Dreamytime Escort: I think you're gonna like it here mate, we're regulars, you know. Hey Monica, get home alright the other morning?
- [Both escorts laugh dirtily]
- Monica: What are you talking about? What d' you want?
- Dreamytime Escort: Well I think we'll indulge in two massive gins, please Monica. Nothing for the French geezer.
- [to the client]
- Dreamytime Escort: Sorry mate, you have to be a member.
- [to Eddie]
- Dreamytime Escort: Well I think we're gonna have a very nice time here.
- Dreamytime Escort: I think we are.
- Dreamytime Escort: Yeah.
- Dreamytime Escort: Oh my God! Get me out of here. Get me out of here quick before I shit my pants
- [farting noise]
- Dreamytime Escort: Too Late!