- Uef: If I have a little KETSE, I have the right to wear yellow pants, and any Patsak should squat twice before me, not once. If a have a lot of KETSE, I have the right to wear crimson pants, so any Patsak should squat twice, any Chatlanin should make "ku", and Etsilopp can't beat me at night...
- Violinist: Comrade, there's a man there who says he's an alien. We have to do something!
- Vladimir Nikolayevich: Call the ambulance.
- Uef: Either you're giving us this KETSE right now, or we won't lay you on Earth for less than 8 matchboxes!
- Uef: Brake! Brake! Brake!
- Bi, Patsak: How can I brake after you've drunken all the brake fluid? Dipso!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Excuse me, Chatlians and Patsaks, is it a nationality?
- Uef: No.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: A biological factor?
- Uef: No.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Persons from other planets?
- Uef: No.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: So what is the difference between them?
- Uef: Are you colorblind? Can't you tell orange from green? Tourist!
- [Uef is referring to a special detector device they have that when pointed to a Chatlian buzzes a green dot and when to a Patsak an orange one]
- Bi, Patsak: Skripach, instead of thinkin' you're the first Georgian cosmonaut and you'll be awarded by Nobel prize, you'd better put back the spoon you've stolen from the poor artists.
- Uef: Friend, let me see your system. What kind of system have you got?
- The Space Drifter From Uzm: It's a regular system. You just press the button and you go home.
- Uef: You on Earth have a very primitive society, you don't even make differences by the colour of one's pants.
- Bi, Patsak: Unfair play! You were thinking bad moves for me on purpose.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: You should with your own brains.
- Uef: How can he play with his own brains if he's never seen these dolls before?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Not my problem. Give me what I've won.
- Uef: Nonsense.
- Bi, Patsak: Uef, have you ever seen such a little patsak be such a greedy k'u?
- Uef: Never. I told you, Fiddler is unnecessary. Here's the result.
- Bi, Patsak: Vova, I have a suggestion. The planet Khanud costs pennies right now.
- Uef: 63 tchatls.
- Bi, Patsak: We'll sing 'mama' around the galaxy for a month, and the planet's ours. Another month, and we can buy air.
- Uef: 93 tchatls.
- Bi, Patsak: Everybody who's got no air will pour down here. The air is ours!
- Uef: They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll spit on them.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: What for?
- Uef: For fun.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: What's the fun in that?
- Bi, Patsak: You're much too young.
- Uef: Is nightingale a patsak?
- Dyadya Vova: Why so?
- Uef: It's you who said he sings without cage.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Then he is.
- Bi, Patsak: A-ah, see that! You've got the same raging racism as here, on Plyuk, only power's taken not by Chatlans, but by Patsaks - the ones like you and your friend Nightingale!
- Dyadya Vova: You astronauts? What's here a TSAPPA?
- Bi, Patsak: Ah, over there... A rusty nut, dear.
- Dyadya Vova: It's all rusty around here...
- Bi, Patsak: And it's the most rusty one.
- Violinist: Nobody needs a violinist.
- The Space Drifter From Uzm: Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in the Tenture, or at least the galaxy number in the Spiral. I got the contacts mixed up and now I can't get back home.
- Dyadya Vova: We don't know the number. We forgot, my dear. The young man here will go call the information hotline, and you and I will wait in the bakery, all right?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: And you put this on for now.
- The Space Drifter From Uzm: Ah, thank you. Listen, friends... Don't need bakery. Don't need hotline. This is my planet. UZM 247 in the Tenture. Beta Galaxy in the Spiral. This is the space transference machine. So which contact do I press to get back home? Because time is relative. You understand that, right?
- Dyadya Vova: All right, how about this: we press the contacts and transfer to your place. But if this machine doesn't work, then you will transfer with us wherever we transfer you. All right?
- The Space Drifter From Uzm: No, you can't do this. You have to know.
- Dyadya Vova: Of course we can... my dear.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: So I could not return any sooner than 6 years.
- Galina Borisovna - the vice-Dean at Earth: That's all good, Gedevan Aleksandrovitch, but those are just words. Where is the proof that you returned from outer space, and did not sell the violin, as Professor Rogozin claims, and didn't spend all this time at the disco in Gagras?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Here is a mineral. Here is a tchatl. Here is the tsak. The nut and the sand I gave to the dean's secretary with a note, for her to send it to UNESCO.
- Galina Borisovna - the vice-Dean at Earth: To where?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: UNESCO.
- Galina Borisovna - the vice-Dean at Earth: Guedevan Alexandrovitch, you are a grown man. You study for one semester and disappear for years. Then come back with a... pebble, a shard of caucasian pottery, and a fishing line bell. Yet you pretend to... And also, if you have musical talent, why weren't you participating in the amateur artistic activities? You'll excuse me, Fiddler, but this is elementary k'u!
- Bi, Patsak: On Earth, how do you determine who before whom squats how many times?
- Dyadya Vova: We take a guess.
- Uef: Savages.
- Uef: Sit down!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Why? They're not ecilops.
- Bi, Patsak: It's Pezhe with his patsak. They find out you don't sit down... lifetime etsikh with nails!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: What are they doing?
- Bi, Patsak: It's Mr. Pezhe's Fourth Pump.
- An old woman in a subway cart: I love Pezhe very much!
- Uef: And I koo him even more!
- Bi, Patsak: Is that your rear word?
- Dyadya Vova: As rear as they come.
- Bi, Patsak: Then goodbye, my dear.
- Dyadya Vova: I know, you people don't trust words. What am I thinking right now?
- Tsan - The Desert Stage-Cart Driver: That your wife is calling around the morgues.
- Dyadya Vova: No, I mean, right now.
- Tsan - The Desert Stage-Cart Driver: That you'll do as promised.
- Dyadya Vova: Then it's true.
- Tsan - The Desert Stage-Cart Driver: Ha! No fool thinks the truth on Pluk. Absurd!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: It's because you say what you don't think, and think what you don't think, you sit in your cages. And this whole bitter cataclysm that I'm observing here, and Vladimir Nikolaevitch too...
- Uef: You know your planet's Tenture?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Tenture?
- Bi, Patsak: Tell us your galaxy number in the Spiral!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: In the Spiral?
- Uef: Yes, in the Spiral.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: The Earth is, you know, where there are other planets, like Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter... What are the others?
- Dyadya Vova: Ursa Major.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Mister Uef, I represent a civilized planet, and I demand you watch your language!
- Dyadya Vova: Gedevan, let's tie these chaps up and head North.
- Bi, Patsak: What for?
- Dyadya Vova: What if there is the Mediterranean sea?
- Bi, Patsak: Are you insane, Vladimir Nikolaevitch? Why would there be seas on Pluk? They've been turned into lutz long time ago.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Turned into what?
- Uef: Fuel, Fiddler, fuel!
- Uef: Who are you? I'm asking, who are you?
- Dyadya Vova: Alien foreman.
- Uef: No, you are patsak! And who are you?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: I'm a Georgian.
- Uef: No, you too are patsak! You're patsak, you're patsak, and so is he! But I am tchatlan, and they are tchatlan. So you put tsak on and sit in pepelats, got it?
- Dyadya Vova: What?
- Bi, Patsak: Look in the visator, my dear. Which dot responds? The green one. Now look at him. Also green. And you are green. Now look at Uef. Which dot? Orange. That's because he is tchatlan. Understand now?
- Dyadya Vova: What?
- Bi, Patsak: Pluk is a tchatlan planet. That's why we patsaks must wear tsaks.
- Uef: Yes! And go like this before us tchatlans!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Vladimir Nikolaevitch, this is flagrant racism.
- Dyadya Vova: Well. So we know Russian. Why have to hide that?
- Bi, Patsak: We didn't hide. It's hard to penetrate a language when you think in two languages at once.
- Uef: And this patsak keeps talking in languages he doesn't know! What are you looking at, maimuno verichvilo?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: They know Georgian too!
- Dyadya Vova: What did he say?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Monkey, son of donkey.
- Uef: It's not a zeppelin, blockhead. It's the final breath of Mr. Pezhe.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Bullshit. How could one man breathe so much before his death? It's absurd.
- Bi, Patsak: Fear the heavens! Pezhe is alive, and I'm happy!
- Uef: And I'm even more happy!
- Bi, Patsak: I have a proposition, my dear. You give us the match now, and we'll bring you yellow pants. Sounds good?
- Dyadya Vova: Thanks, already have some. Maybe Fiddler needs some? Fiddler! The aliens are pushing pants here! Yellow! Do you want?
- Bi, Patsak: There is no more Fiddler, my dear.
- Dyadya Vova: What do you mean, no more?
- Uef: I ejected him.
- Bi, Patsak: Don't worry, we have another catapult. A new one. That one was broken anyway.
- Dyadya Vova: Excuse me?
- Uef: I pressed the kappa, he flew away. Fiddler is unnecessary, my dear. He only uses up fuel.
- Dyadya Vova: All right, stay calm. We have sun, we have sand, we have gravity. So where are we? We're on Earth. Or...
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Or?
- Dyadya Vova: No, let's suppose we're on Earth, in some desert. Right? Karakum, eh? What other deserts do we have?
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Gobi, Sahara.
- Dyadya Vova: I said WE.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: We also have Kyzylkum.
- Dyadya Vova: No. Let's suppose this is Karakum. Huh? So. The sun is in the west. Then Ashkhabad is that way. Got it? Let's go. Come on, come on!
- Dyadya Vova: Is there a normal entrance to this supermarket?
- Bi, Patsak: You have to pay tchatls for the normal entrance, my dear.
- Dyadya Vova: And how will you get us to mother Earth if you don't even know which galaxy it's in?
- Uef: Idiot, your planet number we can get for two tchatls at any planetarium downtown!
- Bi, Patsak: This is not Earth, and not Africa, my dear. This is planet Pluk. Number 215 in the Tenture. Kin-dza-dza Galaxy in the Spiral, got it?
- Decont - a teleportation officer at Alpha: You shouldn't worry. Our greenhouses have most excellent conditions. Blossoming, microclimate, peace. One might only envy them.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Then why, my dear, are you running here in the grass, and not sitting in a pot there?
- Decont - a teleportation officer at Alpha: Please, put on your respirators.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Why? You have good air.
- Decont - a teleportation officer at Alpha: That's exactly why.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Who knows, maybe at that time somebody who knew me would be still alive. Tell them that I didn't steal the violin.
- Uef: Me, on a planet where they don't know who should sit down before whom? Rubbish! Give me the gravitsappa and do what you want.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Uncle Uef, Uncle Bi, they'll give you such a welcome!
- Bi, Patsak: No, genatsvale, when the society has no color discrimination of pants, there is no purpose! And when there is no purpose...
- Dyadya Vova: Do you really make cactuses out of people?
- Decont - a teleportation officer at Alpha: Only out of Plukans.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Ours are Khanudans, not Plukans.
- Decont - a teleportation officer at Alpha: That's not important.
- Bi, Patsak: Landed.
- Dyadya Vova: Landed where?
- Uef: Khanud!
- Dyadya Vova: What Khanud?
- Uef: The planet I was born on.
- Bi, Patsak: Me too.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: It's nighttime.
- Uef: It's always nighttime here now.
- Bi, Patsak: Put this on for now.
- Uef: There's no bloody air here.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: How do you live here?
- Uef: No one lives here anymore.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Connect me, please, to Batumi, 3-47-57. Ask for Alik.
- The Presentation Crystal Owner: Not allowed. Piss off, you thief.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Comrade ecilop! Comrade ecilop! They stole our things! Catch them! Koo! Catch them!
- Lord PG's personal Patsak: 40 tchatls.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: No tchatls. Our guide has everything. And the violin is not theirs!
- Dyadya Vova: They didn't koo before the video-Pezhe. What are you looking at? I'll report to your management that you knew and didn't act! They'll translukate you to hell!
- Lord PG's personal Patsak: I did act, I pressed the kappa right away. Fiddler is my witness. To all units! Bring the shitbucket with wheels here. Koo.
- Lyudmila Mashkova - 'Lucia': Where are you, Vova?
- Dyadya Vova: I'm here, in some place. I'll explain later.
- Bi, Patsak: And you, wretched tchatlan, put on the tsak! And sit down when you're talking to a patsak! Khanud is a patsak planet, my dear!
- Dyadya Vova: Something wrong?
- Bi, Patsak: No, nothing wrong. It's just the Earth is really far. We'll have to warm up for 7 minutes instead of 5.
- The Presentation Crystal Owner: There was the crystal of visualization! Where's the crystal of visualization?
- Uef: Fiddler, put it back!
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: I thought it was nothing. Just a piece of glass.
- Dyadya Vova: Gedevan... Don't. You're young, live some more. Maybe something will change.
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Fiddler is unnecessary, Uncle Vova.
- Bi, Patsak: You know, you owe us 11,000 matchboxes! The Fiddler has it all written down.
- Uef: 11,020. I have a suggestion, Vova. You and I transfer to the supermarket. Then, after we buy everything...
- Gedevan Aleksandrovich: Hello, Earthman! I'm sure one day you'll come to this planet, too. Greetings to you from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov, a builder from Moscow, and Gedevan Aleksidze from Batumi, the first men to set their feet on those wretched sands at the backyard of Universe.
- The Space Drifter From Uzm: Earthlings! Who presses like that? I barely found you. Good thing there's memory. Here's your sock. Thanks. If you want, I can transfer you to Earth. I found out your number in the Tenture. Well? But quick, because one second here is a half a year there.
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