- Rex O'Herlihan: [Music score begins to play. Rex speaks to his horse] Root's beginnin' to work.
- [a cowboy chorus joins in]
- Rex O'Herlihan: Yeah, it's definitely kickin' in now.
- Peter: For some reason, the bad guy was always a Colonel who had a beautiful daughter and about a thousand head of cattle which you would hear but never see.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: Let me just ask you one question. There's one thing I'm most curious about. Why bring the body here? My god, this is a home! People live here!
- Jim: Well, Colonel, we didn't know exactly what to do with him.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: Bury him! How 'bout that? Don't you think that's a good idea?
- Jud: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, Colonel!
- Colonel Ticonderoga: I mean, do you think that when somebody dies, they place them permanently on the family couch?
- Jim: No sir.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: Gee whi-iz!
- [as Peter bites into a hallucinogenic root]
- Peter: What is this?
- Rex O'Herlihan: Just a root.
- Peter: Hmm. Well, from now on, I'm the town root junkie.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: You missed! How could you miss?
- Jud: Even with these sights we have a target a hundred yards away, maybe more, we've never fired these weapons before, there's a definite wind factor, AND we have a problem with the sun!
- Colonel Ticonderoga: Just shoot, okay?
- Rex O'Herlihan: This is 1884. You've gotta date and date and date and date and sometimes marry 'em even before... you know...
- Peter: Now, wait a minute. Are you tellin' me you've never...?
- Rex O'Herlihan: Never.
- Peter: My god, Rex. You ARE a good guy.
- Bob Barber: Ever faced another good guy before?
- Rex O'Herlihan: Nope.
- Bob Barber: Me neither.
- Rex O'Herlihan: Kinda makes you wonder what'll happen.
- Bob Barber: I figure the good guy'll win, just like always.
- Rex O'Herlihan: Yeah, except we're both good guys.
- Bob Barber: Then I figure the most good good guy will win.
- Rex O'Herlihan: That's how I figure, too.
- Bob Barber: Yep.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: Jud, throw another faggot on the fire.
- Jud: A what?
- Colonel Ticonderoga: A log! Throw another log on the fire.
- [henchmen knock on door]
- Colonel Ticonderoga: [in falsetto voice] Who is it?
- Jim: It's a bunch of your men. Five of 'em.
- Colonel Ticonderoga: [clears throat and talks in manly voice] Be right there, men.