A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983) User Reviews

"When I was your age, I sucked more blood than a California landlord."

[classicsoncall · 5/10 · 24 August 2005]

If, like the female protagonist in "Polish Vampire in Burbank", you can't get enough of vampire movies, you might as well add this one to your list. But be warned, this ham and cheese fest defies simple classification, as it aims for comic horror and winds up a horrific comedy.

To be sure, the simple plot has an original touch. The lead character, vampire Dupah (Mark Pirro), has yet to bite his first victim; he gets human blood from his father (Hugh O. Fields) and oversexed sister Yvonne (Marya Gant) on their nightly excursions, and drinks his allotment with a straw from a baggy. Utilizing every double entendre in the book, the film proceeds to follow Dupah's agonizing quest to lose his vampiric virginity. He laments that his fangs may be too small, he worries about his first act of penetration, and wonders if he can "go all the way". Dupah is encouraged by the skeletal chatter of his older brother Sphincter (Eddie Deezen), even though in life he hated the sight of blood, and met his demise when he couldn't outrun a sunrise, the classic curse of the vampire.

There are more unique elements as well; in a flashback sequence we learn how Sphincter almost had the Holy Ghost beat into him by the Judo for Jesus Girl (Catharine Wheatley). The "Queerwolf" concept (Paul Farbman) is probably the best of the film, he was a normal man before "it" happened - but since being bitten by a queer during a full moon, he has trouble keeping his wrist straight.

Eventually, Dupah jacks up the courage to bite his new girlfriend Delores Lane (Lori Sutton), and as he completes his mission, his accomplishment is heralded by the strains of the "Rocky" theme.

The film, produced on a shoestring by Mark Pirro doing triple duty as actor, writer and director, suffers from poor production values, but hey, it made a half million dollars on a next to nothing budget of twenty five hundred bucks. It makes me wonder what a big budget film with today's technology could accomplish.

So, was there anything actually scary about "Polish Vampire"? Well yes, there's Ernie and Misty (Steven and Bobbi Dorsch) doing a Sonny and Cher impression. One last thought, was it just me, or did the skeleton of Dupah in the film's finale look like Michael Jackson?

P. S. 'Dupa', translated from Polish, actually means 'ass'. Take from that what you will.

Watch Out For A Funny Sphincter In Burbank.

[P3n-E-W1s3 · 6/10 · 14 August 2022]

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of A Polish Vampire In Burbank; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 1.25 Direction: 1.00 Pace: 1.00 Acting: 1.25 Enjoyment: 1.50

TOTAL: 5.75 out of 10.00

Since I'd never heard of or about A Polish Vampire In Burbank, I was rightly suspect about its quality. Even though the story is quite rudimentary, the direction is rather amateurish, and the cast is below par, the movie is surprisingly entertaining.

The story is written, directed and stars Mark Pirro - God, I can imagine the arguments he must have had with himself when the director asked for a script re-write or the actor disagreed with his lines or his director's direction. It'd be enough to drive a bloke insane.

Writer Piro gives the audience a coming-of-age tale about Dupah, a reluctant vampyre. He doesn't possess the attitude required to drain the blood from a resistant victim. He would much prefer to rob a blood bank. Luckily his father assigns his sister to aid him in his quest for a true Bloody Mary or Bob. Sadly, Yvonne has little luck in releasing his true nature. But on one of their nights out, Dupah meets Delores Lane as she comes out of a Vampire movie because she loves Vampire movies. Rather than heading for her jugular, he takes her out for a late meal and ends up lovestruck. Will he ever bite the neck that feeds him? Or will he turn out like cousin Sphincter? To find out, you'll have to watch the film. As for the comedy elements, they tickled my funny bone. I particularly liked the opening sequence with the prostitute on the street corner under the lamp. She asks the John, "Wanna party?" He nods his head with stupified eagerness. "You got the bread?" She inquires, to which he holds up a loaf and replies, "And the mayonnaise too." I do so like an abstract joke now and again, and this one made me chuckle. Though, the best comedic element is Eddie Deezer, who plays Sphincter. This guy could read a shopping list and make it funny. His delivery and timing are superb. That doesn't signify that the writing is below par - it isn't. Pirro bestows his characters with strong identities. The scene where Daddy Vamp waxes lyrical and proudly about how his son should be spending his nights is humourous, witty satire because it's contrary to our "normal" way of thinking. There are some entertaining and amusing skits and dialogue throughout the narrative.

Director Pirro is not as skilled with the camera as Writer Pirro was pushing the pen. There's so much involuntary camera shake I thought the camera person (look at me, I'm PC) had Parkinson's' and hadn't heard of a gimble. And some of the close-ups get too close. I don't need to count how many nose hairs the star has up his snotter. In fact, all that was required was polish - buffing-up and not the nation. There are plenty of scenes where you can see that Pirro is attempting to engage the viewer with entertaining cinematography. The prostitute and bread skit displays this best as he uses mutliple camera angles and points to add pizazz to the scene and the punchline. Sadly, through all his endeavours, the movie feels amateurish. This impression isn't terrible because it adds an air of heartwarming asperation. If Pirro could accomplish all of this, there's hope for all the determined filmmakers. For me, the pace was a tad too leisurely. He could have enhanced a few segments by utilising a faster or slower tempo, especially to eke out a few more laughs from the audience.

Actor Pirro is impressive, as is the cast, especially when you realise that not all of them are professional. In a simple movie such as this, you expect some performers to overshadow others. Thankfully it's not the case here. Though Eddie Deezen gives a more adroit performance, he doesn't take anything away from his co-stars - Everybody does well in their portrayals, even if they are slightly wooden or over-the-top. Luckily it adds to the comedy.

All things considered, I found A Polish Vampire In Burbank to be a delightful way to pass an hour and a half. It made me smile, and it made me laugh. Yes, the acting and direction could have been better, but strangely, the amateur feel works for the film. It added a charm all of its own. I would happily encourage the Horror and Comedy fans to check it out, should you be able to find it on a streaming service. I wouldn't advise purchasing a copy as it's not the kind of movie you'd watch that often.

Now remove your fangs from that pretty young woman's neck and cast your eyes over my Absolute Horror and Just For Laughs lists to see where I ranked A Polish Vampire In Burbank.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Hilarious!

[raynorp · 18 July 2001]

This is one of those movies that is so bad that you can't stop laughing. This is a flick best enjoyed with good friends with a sense of humor. Oh, the queerwolf idea was insane! We watched this movie 10 years ago and are still laughing about it.

fangs, but no fangs

[movieman_kev · 1/10 · 27 August 2005]

A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.

My Grade: D-

DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

6.0? You've got to be kidding me!!!

[atreides1976 · 2/10 · 23 June 1999]

It is appalling that such a cheap movie got a rating of 6.0. The budget for the movie couldn't have been more than $150 (and the producers more than likely took the cast out for dinner with the surplus). The sad thing is, if I saw it in the movie store, I'd probably rent it again, just to have a good time. Look for this one to be some sort of demented underground cult classic in the near future.

The single worst film i have ever seen in my life

[meryles · 1/10 · 9 December 2002]

i've seen thousands and thousands of films, and this is THE WORST. it's rife with bad sexual puns (oh no! he's a vampire with unusually small FANGS), thorougly disreputable writing, some of the worst acting i've ever seen outside a student film, repetitive jokes and running gags that weren't funny the FIRST time, much less the fiftieth, unattractive people and stomach-turning art direction. When i rate films to my friends, i rate them on a scale of 1-1000 Polish Vampire in Burbanks. SO YES, you should WATCH THIS MOVIE and UNDERSTAND. This is a movie that EVERYONE should watch at one point or another in their lives. Suddenly everything else doesn't look half so bad. Mark Pirro has truly, truly achieved something noteworthy and lasting in this flick of his. I suppose that if you've got to make something bad, you'd better make it REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. "Curse of the Queerwolf" was rather dreadful, but it just doesn't hold a candle to the eternal awfulness of PViB. It's a lot like pro wrestling-- it can be entertaining, in a disgusting sort of way, as long as you watch it with friends, and hopefully while inebriated.

Worst movie ever made. Irredeemable.

[stsebastian1990 · 1/10 · 25 August 2002]

This is the worst movie I've ever seen. At the end I had no idea what it was about. If a film student offered this for a class project, he would flunk. A grade school student would do better. The distributer should be ashamed.

A dumb classic

[DrWorm · 7/10 · 30 March 1999]

This movie cannot be compared to any other movie. Thanks to the USA Network, this very low budget film has been discovered, thank goodness. This movie is not sophisticated, but what it is is funny. It's the story of Dupah, the reluctant vampire as he goes out for his first kill, presented by actors with good timing. The script is pretty good. Even if you don't thin it's funny, you have to admit the idea of a "Queerwolf" is creative. There are a few failed attempts at humor, and many of the running gags get old. Still, any movie with Eddie Deezen it has to be good. It's not easy finding this movie, but if you get the opportunity to watch it, go for it. As long as you like lowbrow.

A Low-Budget Classic!

[Dess1ok · 8/10 · 19 November 2002]

I used to watch this when "USA Up All Night" was still on the air (Gilbert Gottfried and those timeless B-movies). You can actually order this movie directly from the company (Pirromount Pictures) for about $19.99.

Is it perfect? No, but it's the most fun you'll have watching something put together on a less-than-shoestring budget. There are some really funny scenes in here, and some classic lines. In my opinion, it's better than anything Troma ever released.

8/10.

This movie is worth your time just for Misty...

[TonyB2594 · 7/10 · 16 February 2023]

A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983) - If you have no sense of humor, you'll probably check out of this massively low-budget vampire comedy by the five-minute mark.

In the first comic scene, a guy approaches a hooker on the street. She asks him if he has "the bread." He not only pulls out a loaf of bread, but the mayonnaise to go with it.

Ba-da-boom.

Yep, you're gone if you hate low-brow horror humor.

On the flip side, if you can at least chuckle at that scene, you'll be in good shape for the rest of the movie.

What emerged from the two or three thousand (reports vary) dollars spent by producer/director/writer/actor Mark Pirro is sometimes eye-rollingly cornball, but altogether pure fun.

The gist is this: A vampire family from Poland lives in California. The father (played by Hugh O. Fields) has two dorky-looking sons named Dupah (Mark Pirro) and Sphincter (Eddie Deezen), and a smoking hot daughter named Yvonne (Marya Gant).

Yvonne carries on the family tradition quite well, but the sons? Not so much. Sphincter had his first real biting attempt go bad when he got beat up in a bar and woke up in an alley under a blazing sun. It wasn't pretty. Poor guy spends the rest of the movie as an advice-giving skeleton.

Dupah, meanwhile, doesn't want to go out because his vampire teeth are kind of small and he's just too nice to bite anybody. He gets dad to bring him home bags of blood, which he sucks down through a straw, before going to bed with his Frankenstein doll and Farrah Fawcett-Majors poster on the coffin lid.

Well, dad finally gets fed up and tells Yvonne to take Dupah on a hunt. Dupah winds up meeting the perfect girl. Delores Lane (Lori Sutton) is a beautiful blonde who loves vampire movies.

The problem is, Dupah falls in love with her and doesn't want to hurt her. It leads to several starts and stops on his mission to bring her his eternal love - and quench his thirst like a proud vampire should.

Beyond the delightful main characters already described, Bobbi Dorsch is absolutely incredible as Delores Lane's friend and roommate Misty. She's as bubble-headed as it gets, up to and including watching a test pattern on TV and calling it a "boring movie." But I swear to God, she's a riot, as well as crushingly cute. I couldn't get enough of her.

There are also occasional, very cool homages to vintage horror movies and their stars. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, makes an appearance via a clip or two on a TV screen from her Movie Macabre show.

So here's my bottom line. This is NOT movie brilliance. But I do think it's a low-budget hidden gem that I'm glad to say can be found and enjoyed on Tubi. TV.

One of the best films shot entirely on Super 8mm!

[davidemartin · 11 February 2004]

I was astounded to read somewhere that Mark Pirro did his film using super-8 mm film equipment! Wow! A true champion of the ultra-low-budget filmmaker! Of course, it also means the film is pretty grainy but if you're going straight to video, so what!

Comedy for the Ageless

[mcgee4468 · 10/10 · 31 March 2000]

Some friends & I found "Polish Vampire" on the video shelves one night over ten years ago, and it's tribute to simplistic humor and silly sound effects inspired us to create a series of films ourselves - which, should any of us ever decide to run for congress, you'll no doubt see. I found a copy of "Polish Vampire" on E-Bay, got some of the old gang together and we laughed at the same jokes and silly sounds of Dupah's stomach growling. We abstained this time from making more films, but all decided that "Polish Vampire" is, like, comedy for the ageless, for sure.

A very clever little film

[Freep2 · 10/10 · 25 January 2007]

I knew of this film years ago. When I was about 12 a few friends and I got together and ran this. I thought it was a charming little movie. Then I did some research and found out that it was made in someone's back yard with a home movie camera, and I was even more fascinated by it. Today I look around and see all these people making their own movies with video cameras and putting them up on websites like youtube and I have to look back at A Polish Vampire in Burbank and realize that this was one of the first 'do it yourself' movies. I just found it again recently and although the movie looks a bit dated today, it certainly takes me back to a time when individual movie making wasn't that common.

Rancid Limburger with a single redeeming feature.

[clavallie · 7 September 2004]

Unlike the other rancid cheese from the same (I hesitate to call them this) filmmakers, Queerwolf, A Polish Vampire in Burbank is worth watching for the "Judo for Jesus" sequence.

While I do love camp vampire movies, this flick is too lowbrow for camp. If you are looking for quality camp in a vampire flick, stick with Innocent Blood or Buffy, The Vampire Killer. But when you already have a sixpack in you and a have your cardboard silhouette of Joel and the robots situated in front of the TV screen and feel hungry for some truly stinky cheese, then A Polish Vampire in Burbank with its Judo for Jesus and The Vampire Hookers (absolutely dreadful, but the song during the credits is hilarious) is for you.

The Epitome of a Cult Classic

[bozopolis · 9/10 · 27 March 2024]

Some of the reviewers here need to lighten up a bit. The negative comments on this film are evidently by those who cannot appreciate how hard it is to make a movie for $2500 and have it gross a half million because of it's cult status. Are the jokes bad? Absolutely. Is the acting awful? Some of it, yes. But to me this is what cult cinema is about. It doesn't take itself seriously and viewers shouldn't either. It's 84 minutes of fun with more than a few laughs. Eddie Deezen calls this his worst movie he ever appeared in and even he misses the point while making the film a joy for those who love bad movies. He's brilliant! Is Mark Pirro going to be the next Alfred Hitchcock? No but he's done something major studios only dream of. Make a film for nearly nothing and 40 years later people are still discovering it and smiling. I did. Find it. Watch it. And please write a review that will absorb the bad ones that don't get it. They'll never get it.