The Golden Girls (1985–1992)
Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak, Sophia's Mother
Photos
Quotes
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[Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle]
Blanche : I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy : You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?
Blanche : Well there must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia : Yeah. They're called lesbians.
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Dorothy : Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
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[Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play]
Dorothy : I mean, for the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"
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Dorothy : We're here to pay for a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer : Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.
Sophia : [walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
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Rose : Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...
Dorothy : That's always a safe bet, Rose.
Rose : ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche : Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose : Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.
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Blanche : No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.
Dorothy : Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.
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Rose : This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy : Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"
Rose : Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.
Dorothy : Oh... that's okay.
Rose : [pauses for a moment to rethink her approach] Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
Dorothy : ROSE!
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Dorothy : Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?
[getting angry]
Dorothy : "The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!
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[Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article]
Rose : Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?
Dorothy : [Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.
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Dorothy : [Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?
Sophia : Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.
Dorothy : I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.
Sophia : No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.
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Dorothy : When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
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Sophia : Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy : I'm so sorry. What happened?
Sophia : [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
[agitated]
Sophia : SHE WAS 88!
Rose : Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
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[Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie]
Clown : Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.
Dorothy : [defeated] No. You're right. I couldn't.
Bobby (6 years old) : Mr. Ha Ha.
Clown : Yes Bobby?
[Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face]
Bobby (6 years old) : Happy Birthday, Dorothy.
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Blanche : [after being treated like a lady by one of her dates] I feel like I did when I was a virgin!
Sophia : You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?
Blanche : Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia : I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.
Blanche : I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...
Sophia : Take it Dorothy!
Dorothy : I bet you'll lay down for it!
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[Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them]
Rose : I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
Blanche : Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
Rose : OK. I will.
Dorothy : Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
Rose : The time I was radioactive.
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Dorothy : [to Sophia] Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!
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Dorothy : [on the phone with a contractor] No, I'm sorry, that's more than I'm willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression "you get what you pay for." I've also heard the expression "there's a sucker born every minute."... Yes, I have heard that expression too...
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Dorothy : [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.
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[trying to get animals to breed]
Dorothy : What they need is an aphrodisiac.
Rose : An African what?
Dorothy : An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.
Rose : [disgusted] Spanish flies?
Dorothy : Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.
Rose : Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.
Dorothy : It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!
Rose : They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?
Dorothy : Yes.
Rose : How do they know it's Spanish?
Dorothy : Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!
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Dorothy : You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
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[Blanche and Dorothy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose: a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend]
Blanche : Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance
Dorothy : Can't you get a refund?
Blanche : Well, no, I paid with nature's credit card
Dorothy : You never leave home without it.
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Rose : I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.
Dorothy : You realized you forgot to dial first.
Rose : No.
Blanche : You were holding the receiver the wrong way.
Rose : No.
Dorothy : You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.
Rose : No.
Blanche : A shoe?
Rose : No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?
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Rose : How long were Jean and Pat married?
Dorothy : They were together for about eight years.
Rose : Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.
Dorothy : If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.
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Dorothy : Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose : Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy : Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.
Rose : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy : Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.
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Dorothy : Not Lebanese Blanche, lesbian.
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[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]
Dorothy : I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia : Big deal. I took a whole place sitting.
Dorothy : NOT NOW, MA!
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[Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor]
Sophia : He said, "I am in charge."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia : He said, "I am the boss."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia : [confused] He said, "I am the walrus"?
Dorothy : Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.
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Dorothy : [the girls see all of the old men working on their garage] It looks like the road company of Cocoon.
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[the girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]
Sophia : In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy : Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia : Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy : Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia : So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.
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[Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche discuss Dorothy's lesbian friend,Jean]
Sophia : Jean thinks she's in love with Rose!
Blanche : Rose! Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe this, I don't believe this!
Dorothy : We were surprised, too.
Blanche : Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over ME, that ridiculous!
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Dorothy : [about how scary Mrs. Claxton is] Last Halloween half the kids in the neighborhood wore Freida Claxton costumes.
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Dorothy : Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!
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Dorothy : [Sophia has rented a porno] Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?
Sophia : I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.
Dorothy : That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?
Sophia : You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.
Dorothy : Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?
Sophia : Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.
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[Rose is up late, baking]
Rose : I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Sverhoeven Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times.
Dorothy : Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa.
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Dorothy : [Sophia is staying in the hospital but got lost and the girls can't find her] I can't believe this is happening! I mean, the last thing I said to her was, "Shut up, Zulu!"
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Doctor : [to Sophia] Let's start by taking your temperature
Sophia : Hmm temperature, I bet he graduated top of his class
Doctor : [to Dorothy] Has she been taking her medicine? Does she have any allergies?
Sophia : [angry at not being adressed] Excuse me. I've been in this body all my life, if anything goes wrong I'm the first to hear about it!
Doctor : I'm sorry Sophia, what seems to be the problem?
Sophia : I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know?
Dorothy : She's been having pain in her chest.
Doctor : [to Sophia] What kind of pain?
Sophia : The kind that hurts.
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[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]
Dorothy : On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection.
Gloria : This woman's pathetic.
Sophia : Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page.
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Blanche : Dorothy, do you realize it has been three days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?
Dorothy : Yes, Blanche. I've been marking the days on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.
Blanche : Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something!
Dorothy : Blanche, there is nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand!
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Dorothy : So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?
Sophia : [the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates] He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!
Dorothy : Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!
Sophia : Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.
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Dorothy : Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains.
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Dorothy : It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.
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Dorothy : [after Blanche and Rose meanly point out the flaws in her body] Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too Ugly To Live?"
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Dorothy : It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.
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[trying to get Blanche to come out of her room]
Dorothy : You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance.
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[a very short man visits the girls]
Dorothy : [to the man] May I take your height - *hat*?
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Dorothy : How come whenever my ship comes in it's leaking?
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Rose : [discussing hair removal products] Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?
Dorothy : What is it?
Rose : Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.
Dorothy : Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.
Rose : Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.
Dorothy : Why don't we just set each other on fire?
Rose : Dorothy...
Dorothy : All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.
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Dorothy : Rose... Get professional help.