The Ninja Mission (1984) User Reviews

NEarly NO NINJAS....but

[DRxXxListen_IDIOT69 · 3/10 · 5 December 2019]

Listen Idiot, Its Wednesday ninja night at the home today. We've seen em all.. Ninja 3. Ninja 2 . 3 Ninjas , Ninja... Ninja Force.. Three Ninjas 2 . So when me and pap sat down to watch a movie called.. (get this) THE NINJA MISSION (i hope you're sitting down for this) has like.. some ninjas in it .. they bookend the film.

Pros: 2 helicopters, 1 tug boat, head slicing, organ explosions (lots), see through tank taps, murder hobos, a nice startled leopard statue, santa, slincers?

Cons: 76% of the movie. So the middle is like a family drama. It goes from NINJAS to NUNJAS real fast. I'm like "Hey GOOBER! Wherez my Ninjas?"

In closing, as per my last e-mail. to recap. When its good its great. gams. but when most of the time its a small town yawn factory fest. watch the last like 30 mins and go to bed.

A nice try.........

[HaemovoreRex · 5/10 · 23 July 2006]

The story here, which takes place during the cold war, concerns a Russian scientist trying to defect to the west (via Sweden) with his top secret formula which, so we're led to believe could potentially shift the balance of power to the Russians if they were able to decipher it.

As it turns out, the altruistic and benevolent old scientist who has dreams of his formula making the world a better place, is tricked by the Russians who, via a staged rescue attempt, convince the naive old chap that he has in fact been flown into Sweden where he can complete his work in safety. Predictably riled by the situation however, the CIA resolve to send in a squad of Swedish Ninja (!) to retrieve him from behind enemy lines.

Will these daring masters of death be successful in their mission? Hmmm, well you'll have to watch to find out.

What can I say? Well for starters, this film is certainly noteworthy in that it was the first ever Swedish Ninja film to be released to a world wide audience. It's actually admittedly very refreshing to see a European take on the Ninja genre and the differences in their portrayal from the American and Oriental representations of these stealth assassins in other films. Here they are portrayed more like the SAS than some of the mystical/magical and virtually indestructible warriors in other ninja fare. In fact, not giving too much away but the ninja in this film are shown to suffer human fallibility's just like any other combat soldier. The film must also claim the accolade as probably the goriest ninja movie I have ever watched (in the full uncut version at least) with a fair bit of the old red stuff a'flying throughout (often in glorious slow motion), again, a very welcome aspect indeed.

However, even with the above in mind, the film has to be said to be a sadly average affair overall with far too little ninja action on offer. The martial arts are very poorly executed throughout and as it happens the ninja themselves mostly resolve to utilising semi automatic weapons to take care of business.....a somewhat odd and noisy choice for these supposed masters of stealth perhaps?

I've read a lot of reviews praising this for being a 'bad' movie as in the 'so bad it's actually good' variety. I have to disagree though. OK so the film is no masterpiece on any level but the film makers were certainly not incompetent (as is a director of such similar fodder as Godfrey Ho for instance) and obviously put a lot of effort into this for which they should be commended. It just sadly fails to enthral as they would have hoped for which is a real shame.

Don't forget, it's not just a B-movie... it's in the eighties too

[Enchorde · 4/10 · 16 February 2007]

Recap: Doctor Markov has developed a new theory how to produce energy, knowledge that might unbalance the world. He keeps his knowledge coded and secret and desperately wants out of the Soviet Union. KGB on the other side desperately wants the new technology. So, they sets a scheme in motion. During a rescue attempt to free Markov, KGB steps in, takes Markov to a secret location and lures him to reveal his secret by saying they are in Sweden, and working for the UN. As a backup, KGB kidnaps Markov's estranged daughter. CIA now send their best agents, a team of (Swedish?) Ninjas to thwart KGB and rescue Markov and his daughter.

Comments: A cult movie that despite not being very good needs seeing. The movie is quite ambitious but lacking in many areas. First off is that it is very dark, probably to conceal locations and bad effects, that some scenes are hard to comprehend. You can't see what is happening. The second thing that it is lacking is martial arts, despite being a ninja-movie. Sure there are some, of quite poor quality, but mostly the ninjas fires automatic guns or sets of explosions. The automatic guns pose a problem too as they seem to have a endless supply of ammunition. And the ninjas seem almost immune to bullets while Soviet guards die like flies.

What does it have that speaks for it then? The idea and ambition foremost. Some actually, and especially for a Swedish movie, decent action-scenes albeit not of martial arts. Some nice slow-motion scenes and pretty much blood and gore. And some very interesting new weapons technology that makes the victims heart or brain explode. Mostly all parts that you look for in a B-movie.

Because it definitely is a B-movie, no mistake could be made there. But if you expect it, and watch it like a B-movie, it is entertaining. But don't forget, it is not only a B-movie it is set in the eighties. Some girls, for example, besides wearing... lets say "interesting" clothes, have lethal doses of eye shadow and makeup.

In all, see for the cult status and the ambition. Enjoy it, and then forget it.

4/10

Sweden's most lucrative film yet

[olaholmdahl · 27 August 2004]

This is truly a Swedish cult classic. On the cover of my copy, the tag line is "Ninjas and the CIA explode in violence in the heart of Russia". To the best of my knowledge, Ninja Mission is still the Swedish film to generate the most revenue (abroad, since it was instantly banned in Sweden during the merry 80's).

The movie itself is a clumsily put together action bonanza with a superbly surreal plot revolving around a revolutionary energy source, kidnapped scientists, and lots and lots of ninjas employed, for some reason, by the Americans.

The random slow motions scenes, haphazard spurts of violence and blurred footage come together to create a rather confusing, if entertaining B-movie with a thin slice of macho heroic moral slapped on top. As in so many other Mats Helge movies screen time is mostly spent on people walking in and out of rooms, running along hallways and yelling 'hurry up' to one another - a surefire way to create excitement. Still, there are joyous little things like the ninja terror weapon that fires a toxic dart, making the victim's heart (or head!) explode, and a fair amount of decent ninja action with some pretty neat martial arts moves.

70% of the actors sport heavy Swedish accent, and Mats Helge himself plays the fat, bearded Russian secret agent that kidnaps young girls.

Dumb fun, but no jackpot

[ofumalow · 4/10 · 23 May 2020]

This otherwise routine low-budget entry in the glut of 80s ninja movies is really only notable for being Swedish, and for being apparently the most commercially successful Swedish export feature up to that time--which is, frankly a little hard to believe. (More successful than "I Am Curious Yellow," for starters?) The cheese factor is immediately high with lots of cheap action--you know, the kind where somebody points a toy gun and a bunch of extras wave their arms around pretending to be "shot."

The ninjas aren't very present in this tale of West/USSR espionage (involving a Swedish scientist kidnapped by the Russians), beyond the fact that a lot of security dudes are frequently dressed in vaguely "ninja-like" head-to-foot jumpsuits obscuring their identities, presumably so the same few extras could be used over and over again despite being "killed."

The scientist's-daughter heroine is apparently meant to be a cross between Diane Lane in "Streets of Fire" and whatshername in "Flashdance," as a sort of New Wave sexpot. (She does actually sing a song near the beginning, before being kidnapped like her father.) The presumably dubbed ESL dialogue is humorously just a little "off" at all times, but this movie is really too small and pedestrian in ideas to be unintentional-comedy gold. However, it's lively enough in its silly way--every five minutes another ten extras flail around being "shot"--to be fun if forgettable.

When ninjas don't make the movies.

[emm · 3/10 · 5 January 1999]

You've been fouled and beaten up in submission by my harsh statements about "femme fatale" / "guns n' gals" movies! Now comes another breed in disappointing rediscoveries: ninja movies! Many of these I've seen before, and let me tell you, they aren't all that's cracked up to be! They usually don't stick to the point. This, among all others, suffers from no originality! What's a ninja got to do with preventing a nuclear holocaust in Russia? And isn't this supposed to be a "martial arts" movie, too? Does plenty of gunfire sound like an incredible action movie to you? Is blood the number one reason to love this to death? Will you waste some of your hard-earned cash over a lady singing in her see-through tank top? The answers to these important questions are found in THE NINJA MISSION, which should be in the martial arts section of your video store. For even more nonsense ninja fun, try checking out those Godfrey Ho movies put out by Trans World. You get what you deserve, and that's a promise! Recommended only for hardcore ninja addicts!

When I talk about movies specifically bad movies I always mention "Ninja Mission".

[pepperfan · 1/10 · 17 March 2011]

When I talk about movies, specifically bad movies, I always mention "Ninja Mission". My friend wanted to see it and neither my brother nor I wanted to see it. But my friend begged and promised to pay for our ticket if we didn't like it. As we were leaving the theater without prompting or any words said reached for his wallet and reimbursed us for the movie.

You know a movie is bad when straight teen age boys roll their eye when the cute actress takes off her shirt and think "not even this can save the movie". :-) Yes it is that bad. Yes it was out of the theater in my neighborhood in one day.

Easily the worst movie I've ever seen! Appallingly bad

[transformasian · 1/10 · 1 July 2005]

Even 20+ years later, Ninja Mission stands out as the worst movie I ever managed to sit through. Scandanavian ninjas silently enter a scene, fire their obnoxiously noisy sub-machine guns with wild abandon, and then silently leave. Wow, how will we find those silent invisible assassins? Just follow the shell casings and smoke!Painfully bad dialog (or was it brilliant and just poorly translated?), not an Asian in sight in the cast, and a whopping total of 3 Asians among the stunt crew. The plot is ridiculous, the acting pretty much non-existent - then again, ninja can't act! Save yourselves - avoid watching at all costs!

A touching and toughtful movie...

[m0rg16 · 6/10 · 17 August 2004]

I just watched this film on DVD. It was actually worse than I thought... But let me explain: At first I thought this was going to be a horrible movie, yes. But in an Ed Wood kind of way: It's so horrible it's actually incredible! But this movie isn't. It could have been, but it isn't. But it's still quite "enjoyable" (mind you, it's still horrible).

The dialoge and acting is bad, bad, bad. Remember that. It's really horrible. But it's quite funny in some scenes, because of that! Some scenes almost make it to 'Ed Wood Status'. But those aren't that many. Instead, we are graced with an endless amount of pointless action scenes. The finale, for example, has Ninja firing at an endless amount of guards. The whole thing is just ninja firing at guards, for ten minutes or so! Fun. Not.

Those kind of action scenes are abundant in this film: Ninja/Agents firing at various russian guards and slaughtering them in the thousands. For several minutes... Makes the film quite boring.

Ok, so let's get going on the "plot": A russian scientist, who is working on something that might tip the scale in the russians favour, wants to defect to the western world. But the russians don't want that, obviously, so they send in their agents to try and stop him. But the CIA are allied with the NINJA so, they are up for the task to rescue him at all cost! Yes!

The plot is extremely silly, yet the movie handles it with extreme seriousness. This, of course, grants us some Ed Wood moments, as I have explained. But those few moments are not enough to save this film from boredom, of the action scenes.

I'm not going to review every single aspect of this film, as I use to, as you can imagine: They're all extremely low budget.

Ok, so final verdict: 4. 3 for the Ed Wood moments and 1 for the action! Blerg!

A classic

[Antagonisten · 8/10 · 10 January 2005]

This is the magnum opus from the Swedish king of crap, Mats-Helge Olsson. Seldom has a movie of this magnitude been made in Sweden and it truly stands out as one of the most amazing achievements in Swedish film to date. Who pays for these things?

The Russian nuclear scientist Markov wants to defect to Sweden. But his plans are ruined by the Russian military who kidnap him and tell him that he has arrived in Sweden. This trickery is their way of seeing to that Markov continues his work in nuclear physics that will revolutionize the energy supply for the whole planet. The CIA however is bent on getting Markov to the west and send their ninja to liberate him.

The practice of having Swedish actors speaking English is something that Mats-Helge has perfected in his later works. The cheap b-movie feeling this creates is probably unmatched for performance. But besides this? Well the action is standard direct-to-video style. Machine guns firing huge clouds of smoke. Thousands of Russians dying. People running around in black ninja suits, trying to hide in the snow.

What really stands out though is the insanely poor way the fighting scenes are choreographed. When they say "Ninja" in the title i expect martial arts, i expect close combat. But there are maybe two or three scenes of actual martial arts in this movie. And they are hilarious. It's so bad i lack the words to describe it. If the ninjas moved any slower their hearts would stop. And of course the whole movie ends in a bang that indicates a special-effects budget consisting of four food-stamps and a McDonald's voucher.

So what's the verdict? Instant classic of course. Never before has a movie been made that is so obviously meant to be consumed along with huge amounts of alcohol. It's the ultimate party movie. Insert into video and laugh. One just has to realize that movies like these are not made any more. This is film history.

Therefore the rating is 8/10 for entertainment, 1/10 for quality and 10/10 for accents.

Notwithstanding low budget action - great fun!

[mange-3 · 10/10 · 4 March 1999]

According to the director this movie was popular in Asia. It is somewhat difficult to take these Mats Helge movies seriously since most of his films are shot on a very tight budget. Almost no USD at all. But it is fascinating to establish that Mats Helge eventually completes something which can be called an action movie. The Ninja Mission is - I think - the best one among all movies directed by him. Some special effects are quite enjoyable. This is not a "B" or "C" movie. It is a "Z" movie - but an enjoyable and fun "Z" movie!

A priceless masterpiece by a living legend!

[SchmollywoodBabylon · 9/10 · 18 June 1999]

Maybe one of the most entertaining Ninja-movies ever made. A hard-hitting action movie with lots of gore and slow motion (eehaaa!). Made in ´83 and still the greatest swedish action movie made so far! And we can hardly wait to see the upcoming sequel, Ninja mission 2000 - The legacy of Markov!

The Ninja Mission is deserving of its cult status and has some great moments!

[tarbosh22000 · 8/10 · 28 April 2015]

Dr. Markov (Broberg) is a scientist who looks a lot like Raymond Burr. He has developed some sort of alternative energy source and is guarding his discovery with his life, literally. The KGB kidnap him and his nightclub singer daughter Nadia (Hanna Pola in her only credited role to date), and the CIA do the one logical thing the CIA might do in a case like this: they unleash a Swedish ninja to clean up the mess. Complicating things are some UN jerk named Abelman (Hans Rosteen, also a one-timer) and a crazy Russkie named Ivan (director Helge). Sure enough, lots of silly intrigue ensues, in between the action scenes, of course. Will the ninja complete his mission? Find out today! The Ninja Mission is an acknowledged cult classic, and, impressively, one of the top-grossing movies ever to come out of Sweden. Worldwide, surely it made a large profit from its low budget. For those that think the only director of merit to come from Sweden is Ingmar Bergman, behold the great Mats Helge. While he improved upon The Ninja Mission with his later Russian Terminator (1989), there's plenty to admire about this particular 'Mission. The whole thing looks better than some of Helge's other efforts, thanks to some higher-tier widescreen photography with some nice lighting schemes (when they're not too dark, that is). Sure, there may be some stilted dialogue/ADR work, and even though the plot doesn't make much sense (not that we're complaining about that), Helge still feels the need to put in a ton of silly, unnecessary dialogue scenes explaining everything. He continued this with Russian Terminator. Also to admire his the fact that he threw caution to the wind and figured ninjas need not be Japanese. It was the 80's Ninja Boom after all, and movies like this gave it a special cache.

But perhaps we're burying the lead here. We should have started by using the now-classic phrase "Fat Swedish Guy Punching Ninjas". That's all you need to know, really. But it clearly seems all the attention and energy went into the action scenes, and that makes sense, because that's why were all here in the first place, right? On top of some rather wacky ninja fights, there are some classic throwing stars, car chases, and a lot of gun-shooting. Even though they're regular guns, they make a laser-style - not 'pew pew', the budget might not have allowed for that - here it's simply a short, curt 'pew'. Why the guns make this odd noise is never explained. Unlike everything else, which is over-explained (yet makes no sense). See what we mean? A lot of the violence was saved for the climax, and it is indeed a doozy. There's also the Prerequisite Torture, and the 80's vibe is strong and powerful. This comes across well in the nightclub scene, when Nadia (wearing a killer outfit), for rights reasons channels her inner 'Bat Penatar' with her tune "Baby You Ran Away'. But, perhaps, in the end, Director Helge decided the hero was too young , virile and capable, and for his next ninja outing got an elderly Kenny Rogers lookalike to do all the hard-hitting action. God bless him for that.

We're not sure if every VHS edition is cut, but we believe most, if not all the 80's releases are, including the one on Media. It's important, should you choose to buy this movie, that you get the DVD edition, as it's uncut, and the violent bits are the most entertaining bits for the most part, and the movie would be a heck of a lot duller without them. It's a shame to think people watched versions like that throughout the years, but it didn't stop the movie from being a big success. Imagine if they saw the uncut version from the jump - the movie would have been huge! Additionally, it should probably be pointed out that a Jeanette Jaquelle is credited as a continuity girl, but her credit is misspelled as "Continuety Girl". Perhaps she wasn't paying attention. But, after all, it's the "English As a Second Language" charm that, truly, in the end, keeps The Ninja Mission and other Helge movies afloat. At least for us.

Despite some slow passages, The Ninja Mission is deserving of its cult status and has some great moments. We'll continue to champion the work of Mats Helge if we can get a hold of any more of it.

Worse than bad

[Angel-43 · 23 February 1999]

There are movies that are so bad they actually turn out to be good. They're just hilarious and entertaining. This movie is even worse than that. It's so bad it's not even "good because it's bad". Avoid it at all cost! I have never said this about a movie, since just about all movies appeal to at least someone. Whe it comes to "The Ninja Mission", I can't think of a single person that would enjoy it. And I know some weird people. Hey, I AM one.