The Meaning of Life (1983)
Terry Jones: Bert, Fish #6, Mum, Priest, Biggs, Sergeant, Man with Bendy Arms, Mrs. Brown, Mr. Creosote, Maria, Leaf Father, Fiona Portland-Smythe
Photos
Quotes
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Man in Pink : [singing] Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown / and things seem hard or tough / and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft / and you feel that you've had quite enough! / just remember that your standing on a planet thats evolving / revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour / its orbiting at ninety miles a second / so its reckoned / a sun that is the source of all our power / the sun and you and me / and all the stars that we can see / are moving at a million miles a day / in an outer spiral arm at forty-thousand miles an hour / of the galaxy we call the Milky Way / Our galaxy itself / contains a hundred billion stars / its a hundred thousand lightyears side to side / it bulges in the middle / sixteen-thousand lightyears thick / but out by us its just three-thousand lightyears wide / were thirty-thousand lightyears from galatic central point / we go round every two-hundred-million years / and our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe.
[musical interlude]
Man in Pink : The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding / in all of the directions it can whiz / as fast as it can go / the speed of light you know / twelve million miles a minute and thats the fastest speed there is / so remember when your feeling very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is your birth / and pray that there intelligent life somewhere up in space / cause theres bugger all down here on Earth.
Mrs. Brown : [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?
Dr. Spenser : Can we have your liver, then?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, alright, you talked me into it.
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[Large corporate boardroom filled with suited executives]
Exec #1 : Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
Exec #2 : Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
Exec #3 : What was that about hats again?
Exec #2 : Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough.
Exec #1 : Is this true?
Exec #4 : Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research...
Exec #3 : [Interrupting] "Not wearing enough"? enough for what purpose?
Exec #5 : Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted...
[looking out window]
Exec #5 : Has anyone noticed that building there before?
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Maitre d' : Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
Mr. Creosote : Better.
Maitre d' : Better?
Mr. Creosote : Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
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Strange Man : I wonder where that fish has gone!
Transvestite : You did love it so! You looked after it like a son!
Strange Man : [Bends perplexingly long arms]
Strange Man : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Transvestite : Is it in the cupboard?
Audience : Yes! Yes!
Transvestite : Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish!
Transvestite : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Audience : It's behind the sofa!
Transvestite : Where can that fish be?
Audience : Have you searched the drawers in the bureau?
Transvestite : [a strange, half-elephant/half-man creature wanders up out of nowhere holding a drinks tray]
Transvestite : It was a most elusive fish.
Strange Man : [twists the brass handles on the transvestite's corset]
Strange Man : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Transvestite : Ohhh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
Strange Man : A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishy, ohhh!
Transvestite : Ohhh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
Strange Man : [Pulls the plug attached on the transvestite's corset]
Strange Man : That went... where-ever I... did go!
Audience : Look up his trunks! Yes, in his trousers!
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Maitre d' : Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away? Today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.
Mr. Creosote : I'll have the lot.
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Maria the cleaning woman : I used to work in the Académie Française / but it didn't do me any good at all. / And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid / But it didn't teach me nothing I recall. / And the Library of Congress you would have thought would hold some key / but it didn't and neither did the Bodlean Library. / In The British Museum I hoped to find some clue / I worked there from nine till six / Read every volume through / But it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. / I just kept getting older, it got more difficult to see. / Till eventually me eyes went and me arthritis got bad. / So now I'm cleaning up in here but I can't be really sad. / Cause you see I feel that life's a game. / You sometimes win or lose. / And though I may be down right now at least I don't work for Jews.
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Humphrey : Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
[pupils can't remember]
Humphrey : Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
Pupils : Uh, no, sir. No, sir.
Humphrey : Well, had I done foreplay?
Pupils : Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey : Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs.
Biggs : Um, don't know. Sorry, sir.
Humphrey : Carter?
Carter : Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
Humphrey : Well, a-and after that?
Wymer : [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
[Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity]
Humphrey : The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
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Strange Man : And it went... wherever I... did go.
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Mum : [singing] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their, Semen with more care...
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Maitre d' : Bon, and the usual brown ales?
Mr. Creosote : Yeah. No wait a minute... I think I can only manage six crates today.
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Mrs Brown : Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
Organ Harvester : Nothing to do with me, Ma'am.
Mrs Brown : You're not Doctors, then?
Organ Harvester : Cor, lumee, no!
