The Meaning of Life (1983)
John Cleese: Fish #2, Dr. Spencer, Humphrey Williams, Sturridge, Ainsworth, Waiter, Eric's Assistant, Maître D', Grim Reaper
Photos
Quotes
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Man in Pink : [singing] Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown / and things seem hard or tough / and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft / and you feel that you've had quite enough! / just remember that your standing on a planet thats evolving / revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour / its orbiting at ninety miles a second / so its reckoned / a sun that is the source of all our power / the sun and you and me / and all the stars that we can see / are moving at a million miles a day / in an outer spiral arm at forty-thousand miles an hour / of the galaxy we call the Milky Way / Our galaxy itself / contains a hundred billion stars / its a hundred thousand lightyears side to side / it bulges in the middle / sixteen-thousand lightyears thick / but out by us its just three-thousand lightyears wide / were thirty-thousand lightyears from galatic central point / we go round every two-hundred-million years / and our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe.
[musical interlude]
Man in Pink : The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding / in all of the directions it can whiz / as fast as it can go / the speed of light you know / twelve million miles a minute and thats the fastest speed there is / so remember when your feeling very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is your birth / and pray that there intelligent life somewhere up in space / cause theres bugger all down here on Earth.
Mrs. Brown : [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?
Dr. Spenser : Can we have your liver, then?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, alright, you talked me into it.
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Chaplain : Let us praise God. O Lord...
Congregation : O Lord...
Chaplain : ...Ooh, You are so big...
Congregation : ...ooh, You are so big...
Chaplain : ...So absolutely huge.
Congregation : ...So absolutely huge.
Chaplain : Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Congregation : Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Chaplain : Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
Congregation : And barefaced flattery.
Chaplain : But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
Congregation : Fantastic.
Humphrey : Amen.
Congregation : Amen.
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Humphrey : So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?
Pupils : Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey : Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Watson : R - rubbing the clitoris, sir?
Humphrey : What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Wymer : Suck the nipple, sir?
Humphrey : Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.
Pupil : Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
Humphrey : Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
Pupil : Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
Humphrey : Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Watson : Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Humphrey : Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along.
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Grim Reaper : Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
Howard Katzenberg : Dead?
Grim Reaper : Dead!
Angela : All of us?
Grim Reaper : All of you.
Geoffrey : Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house.
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Hospital Administrator : And what are you doing this morning?
Obstetrician : It's a birth.
Hospital Administrator : Ah. And what sort of thing is that?
Dr. Spenser : Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Hospital Administrator : Wonderful what we can do nowdays.
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Humphrey : All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...
Wymer : Sir?
Humphrey : Yes, Wymer?
Wymer : My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.
Pupils : [chuckling]
Wymer : So, do I move my clothes down, or...
Humphrey : I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed.
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Maitre d' : Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
Mr. Creosote : Better.
Maitre d' : Better?
Mr. Creosote : Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
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Grim Reaper : Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.
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Grim Reaper : Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.
Geoffrey : Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
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Maitre d' : And finally, a wafer thin mint.
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Paitent : What do I do?
Dr. Spenser : Nothing, dear! You're not qualified!
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Humphrey : And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.
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Ainsworth : During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off.
Dr. Livingstone : Ah, been in the wars, have we?
Perkins : Yes.
Dr. Livingstone : Ah, any headache? Bowels all right? Hm. Well, let's have a look at this "one leg" of yours, then, eh? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes...
[Pokes the stump with his pipe]
Dr. Livingstone : Yes yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
Perkins : Oh, good.
Dr. Livingstone : Yes, there's a lot of it around, probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try and favor the other leg.
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Mrs. Hendy : Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?
Mr. Marvin Hendy : Yeah I think most of them do.
Mrs. Hendy : Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
Mr. Marvin Hendy : Yeah. Right, she could be. She sings about the Meaning of Life.
Mrs. Hendy : Yeah, that's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.
Mr. Marvin Hendy : No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.
Mrs. Hendy : No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
Mr. Marvin Hendy : There's no 's' in Burt Bacharach...
Mrs. Hendy : Or in Hal David.
Mr. Marvin Hendy : Who's Hal David?
Mrs. Hendy : He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes... only now he's married to Carole Bayer Sager...
Mr. Marvin Hendy : Oh, Waiter. This conversation isn't very good.
Waiter : Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We *do* have one today that's not on the menu. It's a sort of, uh, speciality of the house: Live Organ Transplants.
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Maitre d' : Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away? Today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.
Mr. Creosote : I'll have the lot.
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Maitre d' : [breaking fourth wall] I am so sorry, I didn't realise we had a racist working here!
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Humphrey : Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
[pupils can't remember]
Humphrey : Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
Pupils : Uh, no, sir. No, sir.
Humphrey : Well, had I done foreplay?
Pupils : Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey : Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs.
Biggs : Um, don't know. Sorry, sir.
Humphrey : Carter?
Carter : Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
Humphrey : Well, a-and after that?
Wymer : [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
[Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity]
Humphrey : The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
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Eric's Assistant : Hello, can we have your liver?
Mr. Brown : What?
Eric's Assistant : Your liver. It's a large, eh, glandular organ in your abdomen. You know, it's, uh, it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uh...
Mr. Brown : Yeah, y - y - yeah, I know what it is; but, I'm using it.
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Humphrey : Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the corporation of the Town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from now on, the cormorant is strictly OUT OF BOUNDS. Oh and Jenkins? Apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain?
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Headmaster : [while having sex with his wife, notices Carter is playing with something] Carter?
Carter : Yes sir?
Headmaster : What is it Carter?
Carter : An ocarina, sir...
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Obstetrician : More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.
Nurse #1 : Yes. Certainly, Doctor.
Dr. Spencer : And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.
Obstetrician : And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.
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Grim Reaper : I am the Grim Reaper.
Geoffrey : Who?
Grim Reaper : The Grim Reaper.
Geoffrey : Yes, I see.
Grim Reaper : I am death.
Geoffrey : Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and...
Angela : Who is it, darling?
Geoffrey : It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
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Mr. Brown : Listen, I can't give it to you now. It says, "In the event of death."
Dr. Spenser : No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.
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Headmaster : [Bible reading] Yay, and placed they the bits in little pots. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the corporation of the Town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from now on, the cormorant is strictly OUT OF BOUNDS. Oh, and Jenkins? Apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain.
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Dr. Livingstone : What we're looking for here for is, I think - and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear - is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven feet long, and of the genus felis horribilis - what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.
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Debbie Katzenberg : How can we all have died at the same time?
Grim Reaper : The salmon mousse.
Geoffrey : Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
Angela : I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
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Humphrey : Oh, no, do share your little joke with the rest of the class.
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Maitre d' : Bon, and the usual brown ales?
Mr. Creosote : Yeah. No wait a minute... I think I can only manage six crates today.
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Mrs Brown : Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
Organ Harvester : Nothing to do with me, Ma'am.
Mrs Brown : You're not Doctors, then?
Organ Harvester : Cor, lumee, no!
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Maître D' : Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?
Guest #1 : No, the food was excellent.
Maître D' : Perhaps you're not happy with the service?
Guest #1 : No, no. No complaints.
Wife of Guest #1 : It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
Guest #1 : And - we have a train to catch.
Maître D' : Ah.
Wife of Guest #1 : Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats.
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Dr. Spenser : Any idea how it happened?
[leg taken by a bite]
Man in Pink : None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many.
