Cheers (1982–1993)

Bebe Neuwirth: Dr. Lilith Sternin, Self

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Quotes 

• Lilith : Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

  Carla : Like a body temperature?

  Lilith : That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

• Lilith : Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

  Rebecca : Are you going to get your hair done for that?

  Lilith : Why on earth should I?

  Carla : Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.

  Lilith : That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

• [the gang is discussing Cliff's 'girlfriend"] 

  Lilith : Who is this Maggie?

  Frasier : Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship.

  Lilith : Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so.

• Frasier : So, um... how do you like Cheers?

  Lilith : Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.

  Frasier : Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.

  Lilith : Well, we won't.

  Frasier : I appreciate your candor.

  Lilith : No, you don't.

  Frasier : You're right. I feel like striking you.

• [Lilith and Frasier are having a fight] 

  Lilith : I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell.

• Lilith : I'd like you to be maid of honor at my wedding.

  Rebecca : Shouldn't that be for your best friend?

  Lilith : You are my best friend. Now what is your name?

  Rebecca : Rebecca.

  Lilith : Lilith Sternin. Pleased to meet you.

  Rebecca : Likewise.

• Lilith : Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.

  Frasier : Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.

  Lilith : Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.

  Frasier : Lilith.

  Lilith : Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.

  Frasier : Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.

  Lilith : It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.

  Frasier : People have flats at three in the morning.

  Lilith : He was wearing a ski mask.

• [In regards to Henri, from France] 

  Lilith : Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris, and now you're paying him to photograph you?

  Woody : Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't hafta worry about him paying me back.

  Lilith : It's good you worked that out, Woody.

• Norm : What's This Old House?

  Frasier : It's a show on PBS.

  Norm : What's PBS?

  Lilith : Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

• Lilith : Frasier, how do expect Frederick to learn all the skills he needs if you're hanging out all day in a bar?

  Norm : Afternoon, everybody.

  Frederick Crane : Norm.

  [everyone stops and looks at Frederick] 

  Lilith : [picking up Frederick]  Oh, he said, "Mama."

• Lilith : Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.

  Frasier : Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise.

  Lilith : I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense.

  Frasier : No, that was completely at your expense.

• [Lilith is confronting Rebecca over her alleged affair with Frazier] 

  Lilith : Rebecca Howe?

  Rebecca : Yes?

  Lilith : I'm saving you a lot of trouble, you know. Frasier is a good man, but he is obsessively compulsive and neurotic. Sure, the sex is great, but he gets his feelings hurt if you don't praise his performance. That can be taken care of with a simple "Thank you, Conan".

  Rebecca : Who are you and who is Frasier? I don't know Frasier and...

  [pause] 

  Rebecca : "Thank you, Conan"?

• Lilith : We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things.

  Carla : You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace?

• Lilith : [Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy]  Lay your hands upon me, everyone, I am life!

  Frasier : Oh boy.

  Lilith : I am Mother. My man's seed is nourished within me.

  [to Sam] 

  Lilith : Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating!

  Sam : Well, I'll tell you this is kind of a first for me, but I'm gonna pass.

• Frasier : I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.

  Lilith : The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.

  Frasier : But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors.

• Frasier : [Lilith has some bad news for Frasier]  I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison.

  Lilith : This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.

  Frasier : THAT WAS IT! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!

• Lilith : Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact.

  Frasier : I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.

• Carla : Yeah, Lilith you look like a million bucks.

  Lilith : Thank you Carla.

  Carla : You didnt let me finish, what I was going to say was you look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face.

  Lilith : Thank you Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark.

• Lilith : Frazer; how can you expect Frederick to develop the verbal skills he'll need if you sit around with him in a bar all day?

  Norm : Evening everybody!

  Frederick Crane : Norm!

• Lilith : No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.

  Carla : Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

  Lilith : No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat.

  Carla : Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?