Texas Lightning (1981) Poster

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3/10
This is...well...umm...it's something
BandSAboutMovies31 July 2019
Warning: Spoilers
Gary Graver was many things - a film director, editor, screenwriter, cinematographer and as Robert McCallum, the director and cinematographer of 135 adult movies. He's in the Adult Video News Hall of Fame for his work, which includes Amanda By Night, Coed Fever, Suzie Superstar and Unthinkable, which won the AVN Award as Best All-Sex Video of 1985.

But what he's best remembered for today is his work as Orson Welles' final cinematographer, spending most of his life working on the master's long unfinished film The Other Side of the Wind, the story of which was told in They'll Love Me When I'm Dead.

In 1970, Graver made an unannounced pitch to work with Welles, who told Graver that only one other person had ever pitched him in that way - the legendary Gregg Toland who he worked with on Citizen Kane. To quote Variety, "From that day forward, Orson Welles was the central figure in Gary Graver's life: more important than his wife, his children, his bank account, and his health. For the rest of Orson's life (and his own) Graver belonged to the great director."

In fact, Welles even edited several of Graver's adult work - so that Graver could get back to the business of working on his films - including a scene in the movie 3 A.M. which shows all of his genius, albeit in filthy lesbian romp.

Graver's career is all over the place. Sure, he worked on movies that the arthouse could swoon over like John Cassavetes's A Woman Under the Influence and Welles' F for Fake, but he also has grindhouse pleasing fare on his resume like The Toolbox Murders, Trick or Treats, Mortuary, They're Playing with Fire and Satan's Sadists.

Originally, this movie was going to be a serious drama entitled The Boys, but the producers demanded that Graver re-edit it into a comedy. Those producers were Film Ventures International, the people who brought you Beyond the Door, Grizzly, Day of the Animals, The Dark, The Visitor, The Incubus, Pieces, Great White and so many more amazing films. They also released Antropophagus as The Grim Reaper and Bava's Shock as Behind the Door II. Seriously, the list of films that they released is absolutely incredible and I haven't even got to stuff like Stunt Rock and The Force Beyond.

By 1984, the company was almost bankrupt due to Universal suing them over the similarity of Great White to Jaws and the poor box office performance of Mutant. Montoro responded by taking a million dollars from the company's bank account and vanishing, never to be seen or heard from again.

I told you all that to tell you this, the story of Texas Lightning, one of the most confusing movies I've ever seen.

Karl Stover (Cameron Mitchell!) is a macho truck driver who feels like his son Buddy is too soft, so he takes him on the road. The fact that his son is played by his real life child Cameron Jr. only adds to the gravitas of this movie. Also - you've never lived until you've seen cowboy Cameron in a shiny gold shirt.

Buddy soon falls in love with the first girl he meets, a barmaid named Fay, played by Maureen McCormick from The Brady Bunch. This isn't her first redneck go-round, as she played one of the Hammer sisters in Moonshine County Express opposite John Saxon as a kung fu fight stock car driver.

Keep in mind when you're watching this movie that none of the painted characters on the poster are actually in this film. This is probably the best movie I've seen where Cameron Mitchell punches the hell out of a truck stop bathroom while trying to explain the facts of life to his son.

Seriously - if you watch this hoping for some trucking and womanizing, you're left with a pretty downbeat drama, despite Graver's re-editing efforts. I assume this probably ran second or third in drive-ins, so nobody complained.

Mitchell Jr. ends up going back to his hotel with the barmaid, who cons him out of money for her sister's operation before they start making out. This gives his father's friends the license to smash down the door and assault her, which leads to the son to want revenge. Somehow, this movie has a happy ending montage and was still intended as a comedy. How can it be funny when we have Mitchell holding and hugging and crying over his son while a bunch of cowboy hat-wearing, sweat stain having gang members team up on Marcia Brady? Your guess is as good as mine.

This was produced by Jim Sotos, who directed Sweet Sixteen and Forced Entry, which is also known as The Last Victim. It's an R-rated remake of Shaun Costello's adult film of the same name, substituting Tanya Roberts and Nancy Allen for Laura Cannon, Ruby Runhouse and Nina Fawcett. The latter two were two transient hippies who let their loft be used for filming as long as they could be in the film. They ended up so high on mescaline that their scene took five hours to shoot. Of all Harry Reems movies, it's the only one that he claims to regret making.
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Wait for the director's cut
lazarillo23 February 2008
A misguided father (Cameron Mitchell) wants to make his shy, sensitive son "into a man" (and it's about damn time since the young character, played by Mitchell's real-life son, looks to be about twenty five). He decides to take him on a hunting trip with his buddies, two of the sorriest excuses for "men" around. (Even in Texas this pair would be regarded as fat, dumb, redneck losers). The hunting trip/rite-of-passage involves getting drunk and driving into the 120 degree Texas summer heat to shoot at beer bottles and bunny rabbits (if this makes one a "man", then my friends in Wyoming and I would have achieved manhood at about ten). Later they go to a honky-tonk bar where the most pathetic wet t-shirt contest you ever saw is taking place, and a Hal Needham/Burt Reynolds-style bloodless brawl breaks out every five minutes. There the boy meets a pretty young barmaid and aspiring prostitute (Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormick)and takes her back to the hotel room. They suffer some traumatic coitus interruptus, however, when the two redneck friends bust in a force themselves on "Marcia", I mean Maureen. The movie then turns into a REALLY tame and bloodless (in every sense of the word) rape-revenge flick.

This movie started out as a more serious "Macon County Line" type of a film, a labor-of-love by talented cinematographer and not-so-talented director Gary Graver based on his own script called "The boys" (which certainly must have, given the title, recognized the irony of a group of immature middle-aged butt-wipes who everyone still refers to as "boys" trying to initiate ANYONE into manhood). The distributors renamed it "Texas Lightning" possibly to fit with the wretched country-music theme song (or vice versa)and re-edited it into a sub-"Smokey and the Bandit", sub-"Dukes of Hazzard" redneck-athon with a lot of alleged comic relief and an implausibly happy ending. The uneven (to say the least) tone will give you cinematic whiplash. Cameron Mitchell, who was the only really good actor in this, refused to participate in the re-shooting and just disappears entirely near the end. It's rumored that in the original Graver cut, still floating out there somewhere in terminal litigation, the two rednecks meet a much more unpleasant, if deserving, fate. (In MY cut they would receive shotgun enemas in the first five minutes and be left rotting in a shallow grave in the desert along with the "good ole boys" responsible for the crappy theme song). You'll have to take Graver's word for it that his cut is any kind of masterpiece, but the one under consideration here is certainly worthless dreck regardless.

Most people today will no doubt see this for Maureen McCormick's brief "nude scene", but frankly you'd have better luck spotting subliminal ads for hot dogs and soft drinks from back when this played the drive ins. The only remotely sexy aspect of this movie involves a scene with the implausibly attractive young girlfriend of one of the rednecks dressed in a see-through teddy. McCormick is OK as an actress here, but she's pretty miscast as a tough honky-tonk Southern girl. She also "sings" at point, which will invoke, for those of us Americans of a certain age, traumatic and previously deeply repressed memories of the notoriously ill-advised "Brady Bunch Variety Hour" TV show (shudder!). Not recommended--at least until when (or if) the Graver cut is ever released.
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1/10
If it were any more garbled, it would look like home movies from another country...
moonspinner5523 February 2001
Maureen McCormick from "The Brady Bunch" is actually a pretty good actress (I recall seeing her on TV's "The Streets Of San Francisco" in '74 or '75 convincingly playing a prostitute), and I see why she took on this low-budget project, but, alas, it is a film constructed by filmmakers who have little idea how to construct a film. Maureen plays a honkytonk waitress who befriends a backwards young man in town on a hunting trip with his "macho" dad and the dad's sniggering pals; peppy McCormick takes the kid back to her room to make out (I think) but the other guys burst in and try to rape her (from what I could see through the production murk, 'rape' would be difficult for these lousy Lotharios). I think Maureen took this acting job because it's a sympathetic part and she gets to sing and play her guitar. She probably had no idea how it was going to turn out. How did it turn out? It's so bad that when I searched the credits for a director--it wasn't to see who he was but if the movie even had one.
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1/10
This HAS to be the WORST film I have ever seen
aatbd25 May 2008
This is the WORST MADE film I EVER SAW!!!!!! My Jr. High Film class did a better job when WE wrote our own script and shot with an 8mm Camera and B&W FILM!!!

I couldn't understand why such a successful actor as Cameron Mitchell would be involved with such a poorly written, poorly produced, poorly directed, poorly shot, and poorly edited production (If you even DARE call it that...) until I saw that it was the first film that his son Channing was in. I'll bet the producer said that his son would get the part ONLY if his DAD would star in the film!!! You can tell that Cameron Mitchell was a REAL PRO as even with this piece of SH*T script and lack of directing, he did a fairly decent job, as Maureen McCormick did as well. Boy, she must have been WAY DOWN ON HER LUCK or been bamboozled into taking the part. You can see that she really tried to act the part well, but with the GOD AWFUL direction and shooting, what should have been her best dramatic scene (The Motel Room) turned into an unintended (at least by the director) hilarious comedy (This was the FIRST TIME I ever laughed at a RAPE SCENE...).

I even wonder if the director's credit was a phony name, as I can't believe that any director worth a damn would put their own name on this piece of CRAP (unless of course they were too stupid to realize that this film was actually that BAD)!!!

First of all, The opening sequence looks like it was shot either with very fast (ASA 1600) film or 8mm film at around ASA 800. It is SO GRAINY that you can't even make out most of the signs!!!

I would go on, but there is a 1000 word limit on what I can say here, and I would use that up just describing all the bad production in the first five minutes of the film.

I RECOMMEND this film for use in film classes as a PERFECT Example of how N O T to make a film!!!
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1/10
Cameron Mitchell makes a spectacle of himself
Leofwine_draca13 August 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Texas Lightning is one of those times where I had no idea what I was watching. The story is set in and around a bar where a bunch of ageing cowboys hang out and share dialogue a lot. There's no discernible story, just some coming-of-age guff and a load of nonsense besides. The viewer is treated to the somewhat unwelcome sight of Cameron Mitchell making a spectacle of himself - those shirts! - while the rest is a real bore.
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10/10
Did I watch a different movie?
horrorfilmx14 June 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Probably not. Most likely (and I mean this in all seriousness) this movie just went over the heads of most reviewers. They were expecting a DUKES OF HAZARD romp and instead were presented with a scathingly accurate portrayal of the good ol' boy lifestyle in all it's Neanderthal glory. Also they saw a movie made on the cheap in the 70s, two very big strikes against it in the eyes of contemporary viewers. Sure, the garish colors and harsh lighting scream "cheesy" to audiences weaned on the kind of multi-zillion dollar Hollywood crap that lost touch with reality decades ago. The verisimilitude of this movie is stunning (again, no irony intended). The characters are dead on representations of their type, a very real type I assure you, and the cheap location shooting only adds to the realism. Even the girls in the wet tee-shirt contest don't look like models or actresses, they look like the kind of women you'd really find in a red-neck bar shaking their hooters for the amusement of a bunch of drunks (no offense to these ladies, wherever they are). And the most surprising thing about THE BOYS/Texas LIGHTNING are the occasional subtleties, the little nuances of character. The whole scene where they hunters are stopped in their pick-up truck (complete with gun rack, of course) by a black policemen is nothing but a small but revealing character aside. It's great. I never thought I could say this about a movie called Texas LIGHTNING but it's really an art film. It should be appreciated by more discriminating movie fans. Unfortunately I suspect most people only watched this movie hoping to see Marcia Brady naked. (Possible spoiler: they must have been sorely disappointed).
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Rabbit Shoot
tedg5 March 2007
A common strategy for a life in film is to trust certain artists, and few confound the spirit like Orson Welles. His best work was done late in life and much of that either we never will see or see corrupted. So we have to go spelunking through all sorts of abandoned shafts, and the most frustrating of these is following Gary Graver around.

He's a nitwit, but he was Orson's nitwit, and he did make one rather interesting porn film.

Now this is a goofy one: written by someone else, featuring no one at all who seemed to know much about what they were doing, and a story about the same. It appears that the result was so bad that the sponsor send Graver back to reshoot as he wished. So we come to this to see Orson imposed on Graver imposed on a disaster of a film about men imposing themselves on another.

Its something of a terrific game to sort out which was original and which replaced. In other words, which Graver was told to do and which he chose to do, remembering that everything he knew about film was from Welles. Its not worth it at all unless you are prepared for a great hunt and you know what the master was thinking toward the end.

Shooting for fun, shooting by Texas nitwits.

Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.
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8/10
An enjoyably lowbrow redneck exploitation flick
Woodyanders19 February 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Sweet, soft and sensitive young Buddy Owen Stover (likable Channing Mitchell) goes on a hunting trip with his hearty, macho, overbearing father Karl (Cameron Mitchell at his most wild'n'woolly), jolly good ol' boy Frank Whitman (the always excellent Peter Jason), and tubby slob Leonard Simpson (portly wonder J.L. Clark). The rough'n'tumble dudes want to make a man out of Buddy. Buddy meets and falls for perky cocktail waitress Fay (a winningly sassy performance by the adorable Maureen McCormick; Marcia on "The Brady Bunch"). Things get nasty when both Frank and Leonard rape poor Fay. Writer/director Gary Graver really goes heavy on the amusingly no-brainer hayseed tomfoolery: we've got plenty of booze swilling, a tasty wet t-shirt contest, a lively s**t-kickin' country theme song, the inevitable barroom brawl, and one very ugly rape scene. Tommy Vig's jaunty score and the polished cinematography by Graver and Bruce M. Pasternack are both up to par. Nice supporting turns by Charles Dierkop as friendly gas station attendant Walt, Hope Holiday as Karl's naggy wife Ms. Stover, and Damone Camden as brassy tart Donna. This film starts out as a raucous comic romp, but halfway through takes a sudden and surprising turn and becomes a dark, probing and frankly disturbing depiction of the worst aspects of masculinity. It's the movie's very strangeness which makes it oddly effective and hence memorable.
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THIS MOVIE IS SO BAD IT'S GOOD!
newnoir17 April 2000
This movie is baaaaaaaaaaaaad. It is also inadvertently hilarious at times. I mean, Marcia from the Brady Bunch has a part in it, so how good can it be? The video box for this flick says this film is the "warm, funny story of a boy growing up." Actually, it's the story of a wuss with an overbearing dad who wants "to make a man" out of his loser son. The son meets Marcia from the Brady Bunch at a bar when he's out on a hunting trip with his dad and his dad's two friends. Marcia and the son go to a hotel for some lovin' and then the dad's friends bust in, throw the son out and force themselves on Marcia. The next day the son begins to go psycho. He gets so angry at one of his dad's friends the director does a hysterical slow motion shot of the son throwing a plate of food in the face of one of his dad's friends. I guess the director thought it would be a more impressive shot that way. You get the idea...rent this if you like really bad, bad, BAD movies. Later gator.
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9/10
Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Much better than any bunch ep. you've ever seen. The eldest daughter gets hot and bothered in this story. A watershed performance by the Brady daughter.
Samboknows5 June 2001
Marcia's hot in this one. She does her own version of the "bull ride" in a trailer that would've made the Bradys' proud. Barry Williams wishes he could have had a scene like this with her in the 70's. Hell, we all wish we could have had a scene like this back in the 70's. With all the recent Brady revival, they should re-release this cheesy classic.
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See Maureen McCormick slum beyond belief!!
mikeymars12 November 2003
There's nothing funnier (or perhaps sadder) than watching a grade D movie containing a once-famous actor who is only in it because they have come way, way down on their luck. Such is the opportunity afforded while watching Maureen McCormick (a.k.a. `Marcia' from `the Brady Bunch') doing her thing in `Texas Lightning.'

At one point in the film, Mcormick's character (a tarty, chain-smoking barmaid named `Fay') delivers the line `they don't pay me to be stupid,' which literally led me to yell back at the tube `oh, they most CERTAINLY do' (anyone who goes from a starring role in a network TV hit to this sort of grade D trash is definitely guilty of selling out).

Poorly written, directed, filmed and edited, laughing at McCormick's pathetic attempt at serious acting (including a rape scene which is so poorly done that it comes across as tasteless comedy) is just about the only entertaining thing to do while watching this boring, slow-moving `coming of age' story. None of the other principal characters in the film (who are all fat, ugly or just plain messed up) warrant any mention.

But wait - there's even more in this excursion into the realm of truly high camp: the bad performances and tiring storyline are enhanced by some of the worst production values and editing you'll EVER see. Seriously. This thing truly looks like it was shot for less than $100. The `sets' consist solely of residential dumps in drab neighborhoods, a tired roadhouse, a tacky motel and desert backwaters, and the editing feels like it was done by a drunken chimp with a machete.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, the film ends with McCormick performing a musical number, in a truly laughable preview of what would eventually become her last `career,' that of grade Z country singer.
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