History of the World: Part I (1981)
Shecky Greene: Marcus Vindictus
Photos
Quotes
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Marcus Vindictus : Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho : Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
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Marcus Vindictus : Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus : I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus : You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
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Marcus Vindictus : ...There he is! Seize him!
Marcus Vindictus : [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus : [confidentially] *No!* Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus : Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus : Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
Marcus Vindictus : Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker : Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus : Be more specific, please.
1st Onlooker : ...You get drawn and quartered?
Marcus Vindictus : I don't think that one's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia?
[a lieutenant brings him a large box marked "World Scroll - 33 A.D. Edition". MV produces a scroll, marked "D", from the box and skims it]
Marcus Vindictus : ..."Drawing and Quartering. See Torture." Figures.
[He returns the scroll and produces another, marked "T", then proceeds to skim that]
Marcus Vindictus : ... Ah, here it is - "Drawing and Quartering"... No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?
2nd Onlooker : Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus : Wrong; that's the penalty for *high treason*. Still, very good guess. Over here?
3rd Onlooker : They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!
Marcus Vindictus : Wow...! Ah, that's not correct, but...
[taps his lieutenant]
Marcus Vindictus : ... Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have work for this guy. Go on, write it down!
Roman Lieutenant : [FROM EARLY DRAFT, LATER REVISED]
[writing it down]
Roman Lieutenant : Hmmm, a *gas chamber*.
[chuckles]
Roman Lieutenant : That'll never catch on.
Marcus Vindictus : ...How about you?
4th Onlooker : They send you to the lions!
Marcus Vindictus : Right!
Miriam : *No!*
Marcus Vindictus : What do you mean, no? He was correct; if a slave decks a Roman citizen, the slave is lion-chow!
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Chemist : What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus : A pack of Trojans!
Chemist : Gee, I just ran out!
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[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus : He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus : *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus : He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus : Hmm.
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Marcus Vindictus : [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus : [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
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Marcus Vindictus : Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
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Marcus Vindictus : The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
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Marcus Vindictus : Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero : What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus : Sheet?
Emperor Nero : SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus : Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus : Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero : Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
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Marcus Vindictus : [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection] The jig is up!
Josephus : And gone!
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[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman : [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus : [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
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[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus : Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus : [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus : Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus : Get me an ice pack! Hurry!