Time Bandits (1981)
Craig Warnock: Kevin
Photos
Quotes
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Kevin : Yes, why does there have to be evil?
Supreme Being : I think it has something to do with free will.
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Kevin : I don't understand. What's so special about that map?
Randall : Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being.
Kevin : You mean you stole it?
Randall : Oh, no- well, sort of. Y'see, he used to be our employer. He made all the big stuff like Good and Evil, men and women, night and day, and we did trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.
Kevin : Whew! That's not bad.
Randall : Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack, just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.
Kevin : Pink Bunkadoo?
Randall : Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it, didn't you?
[Og nods]
Randall : Yeah. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible. Well, as a disciplinary measure, we were sent down to the repairs department.
Kevin : What?
Randall : [Hushed] Y'see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botch job, you see; we only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in; this is the only map of all the holes! Well, why repair them? Why not use 'em to get stinkin' rich?
Wally : Yeah, stinkin' rich!
[Holds up a bottle]
Wally : Lads, here's to stinkin' rich!
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Kevin : I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
Randall : Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
Kevin : That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
Randall : Of course, you know it all.
Kevin : He was one of my heroes.
Randall : Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
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[the gang is confronted by Kevin, who they think is the Supreme Being]
Randall : Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.
[They laugh]
Kevin : Who are you?
Strutter : That's not Him.
Fidgit : That didn't sound like Him, did it?
Wally : It doesn't even look like Him!
Strutter : It isn't him!
Randall : Let's get him!
[They all pounce on Kevin]
Randall : Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.
[Strutter shines the torch full in Randall's face]
Randall : His face, dummy!
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Kevin : I'd like to stay.
Robin Hood : Jolly good! What's your name?
Kevin : Ke...
[Is pulled away by Randall]
Robin Hood : Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.
[Under his breath]
Robin Hood : Awful people.
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Kevin's Father : You must wait for your food to go down.
Kevin : I haven't eaten any food.
Kevin's Mother : Well you must eat your food.
Kevin's Father : And then wait for it to go down.
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Kevin's Father : [a knight on horseback had burst out of Kevin's closet, messed about the room and rode away; The door bursts open] What the hell is going on up here? I told you to put that light out and get to bed.
Kevin : But...
Kevin's Father : And no more NOISE!
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King Agamemnon : [Kevin had just fallen from the sky on top of a rival warrior, allowing Agamemnon to kill him] Where did you come from?
Kevin : I'm not really sure.
King Agamemnon : Who sent you, the gods? Was it Zeus? Apollo? Athena?
[Removes his mask]
King Agamemnon : Well... You're certainly a chatty little fellow, aren't you?
Kevin : I don't believe it!
King Agamemnon : You don't believe what?
Kevin : I don't believe the way you killed him!
King Agamemnon : Yes, but it has to be done sometimes.
Kevin : No, I mean it was such a good shot. I bet you've killed lots of people.
King Agamemnon : Well, the gods must have given you a name.
Kevin : Oh, yeah. Kevin.
King Agamemnon : Kevin?
[picks up his helmet]
King Agamemnon : Well, Kevin... here, it's yours.
[hands Kevin his helmet; Kevin hesitates]
King Agamemnon : What? You don't want it?
Kevin : Oh, yes, please! You mean I can really have it?
King Agamemnon : Well, on the condition you carry it back to the city for me.
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Randall : [On the deck of the Titanic] I've got something to say to you, Kevin.
Kevin : Go away.
Randall : It's about the map.
Kevin : The map? I don't understand you, Randall, you've got something really brilliant like that and you're just wasting it.
Randall : I wouldn't call this exactly "wasting it".
[sips champagne]
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Strutter : [slaps Kevin] Get down, you nearly got us caught!
Randall : You silly fool, you could've ruined everything.
Kevin : Do you know where we are?
Randall : Shut up. Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione, see?
Strutter : [taps him] You sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?
Randall : Look,
[grabs Strutter]
Randall : do you want to be leader of this gang?
Strutter : No, we agreed: No leader!
Randall : Right. So shut up and do as I say.
[Strutter nods]
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[first lines]
Announcer : Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do... An infrared freezer-oven complex that can make you a meal from packet to plate in 15 1/2 seconds.
Kevin's Mother : Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.
Kevin's Father : Oh?
Kevin's Mother : Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.
Kevin : Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?
Kevin's Father : [Ignoring Kevin] Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter.
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Kevin : Drugs! I've got a great idea...
