- Skip Donahue: What are you doing?
- Harry Monroe: I'm gettin bad. You better get bad, Jack, 'cause if you ain't bad, you're gonna get fucked.
- Big Mean: Short ass son of a bitch, ain't you?
- Harry Monroe: [shaking] Oh, I'm a short son of a bitch. My father was a short son of a bitch too. My mother was shorter than him. And my brother was real short and we couldn't even see him. He was a short son of a bitch.
- Warden Walter Beatty: You're gonna represent Glenboro prison in the annual Top Hand-competition. Congratulations!
- Skip Donahue: Oh! Oh, my god! Warden! I can't do that!
- Warden Walter Beatty: What in the hell are you talking about...?
- Skip Donahue: Well, I should have told you in your office! My mother was a veterinarian! I can't have anything to do with the exploitation of animals, she'd turn over in her grave!
- Warden Walter Beatty: I don't believe you heard me correctly. This is very important to me!
- Skip Donahue: Important to you? My mother is watching over every step I make! Do you know that my soul is on the line here...? So let's just drop...
- [looks up]
- Skip Donahue: What? I said no. Whoa, I told him no! Ma, are you crazy, I have witnesses... All right, we'll talk about it in my cell!
- [looks at the warden]
- Skip Donahue: Uhm... I have to go to the bathroom. Would you excuse me, warden?
- [looks up at the sky again, and walks off]
- Rory: That's Grossberger. The biggest mass murderer in the history of the southwest? My dear, he killed his entire family and all of his relatives in one weekend and then he killed some more people that reminded him of his family!
- Harry Monroe: I'm a clown, see? I shoot the firecrackers and the soda water. There's a little car that pulls up and there's supposed to be like 10 midgets in it. They all get out...
- Blade: That ain't no rodeo clown! A rodeo clown is the most *dangerous* job in the world! He's the one that gets *closest* to the bull. He gets the *best* of the bull! *Hook* to the left! *Hook* to the side! If the bull rider is in *danger*, he's gotta protect him! Even if it means gettin' his *ribs* pulled out and bein' freight-trained.
- Harry Monroe: Freight-trained!
- Blade: That's right. Run over, just like a freight train, only with a *bull*, it's worse! Cause a freight train don't back up and finish the job. Later on I'll show you the proper way to lie on the stretcher when they come to pick you up.
- Harry Monroe: A hundred and twenty five years... Oh God, Oh God... I'll be a hundred and sixty one when I get out.
- Skip Donahue: This filthy, roach-ridden reality is inspiring... what did that second policeman say to you when he grabbed you by the throat?
- Harry Monroe: Man, I don't fucking believe you!
- Skip Donahue: "Man, I don't fucking believe you!" Fabulous!
- Harry Monroe: You don't get it, Skip, do ya? You think this is The Count Of Monte Cristo or something, man? We're in trouble. This is the real deal! We're in deep shit!
- Skip Donahue: Harry, you and I are innocent. You know that. I know that. And somewhere outside, the two guys who really pulled that bank job know it too.
- Harry Monroe: But, the cops don't know it!
- Blade: Now, let me explain to you about bulls, okay? A bull is the most evil, disgusting, and crafty sucka in the world. He'll snot on you, fart on you, do anything he can, to mash out your brain. The worst kind of bull, is the one that won't do nothin'. Just stand there. Look at you! That means he's studyin' you. Soakin' up your weak spots and rememberin' 'em for the time he gets to prance on your head.
- Harry: Geez, what's wrong with him?
- Young Man in Hospital: Oh, that's Johnson. He's on a hunger strike so they are force-feeding him to keep him alive.
- Harry: At least there's some humanity here.
- Young Man in Hospital: They're going to electrocute him next week.
- Harry Monroe: [jive walking into a crowded jail cell] That's right. That's right. We bad. That's right. We don't want no shit either. That's right!
- Skip Donahue: Darn right.
- Harry Monroe: We don't want not shiiiiiit! You understand. We don't take too much shit. We take a little bit. We don't take a bunch of it.
- Skip Donahue: Damn right!
- Harry Monroe: That's right.
- [to Skip]
- Harry Monroe: Say, no shit.
- Skip Donahue: No - shit!
- Harry Monroe: That's right.
- [to Skip]
- Harry Monroe: No shit. Try it again.
- Skip Donahue: We don't take no shit.
- Harry Monroe: Shit.
- Skip Donahue: No shit, writ.
- Harry Monroe: Shiiit!
- Skip Donahue: We ain't shit!
- Harry Monroe: You better believe it, baby.
- Big Mean: What's the charge?
- Harry Monroe: Innocent.
- Big Mean: Ain't we all?
- Harry Monroe: Bank robbery?
- Big Mean: Oh, shit.
- Harry Monroe: Ooooh, shit!
- Big Mean: You can kiss the baby.
- Harry Monroe: Kiss the baby?
- Skip Donahue: [to Big Mean] What baby is that sir?
- Big Mean: Ask your lawyer.
- [laughs and walks away]
- Blade: Now every bull has a secret word that makes him crazy and sends him into his craziest ride,. Your job is to figure out that word.
- Harry Monroe: Bull... uh... let's see. Uh... Rumplestiltskin. Uh... malt liquor... come on, bull.
- [whistles and makes kissing noises]
- Harry Monroe: Come on, bull. Uh... woof, woof! Uh...
- [makes clicking sound with tongue]
- Harry Monroe: ... hey, sexy... hee-hee... shit!
- [Bull bellows and charges at Harry]
- Harry Monroe: [Running away from bull] Oh, you motherfucker!
- Blade: Congratulations, you found the word!
- Harry Monroe: This is '65 African Ganja - from the motherland! Do you understand? It's been soaked in the earth, back home! This is mean! One joint of this put Southern California to sleep back in '65. Did you know there was a revolution in '65? We went to sleep and missed it! Because, of this! This is green! This is bad!
- Skip Donahue: Did you sleep any better last night?
- Harry Monroe: No. I got a couple of winks between nightmares.
- Len Garber: How have you been getting along?
- Skip Donahue: Swell! Just swell. A few ups and downs. You know, people see movies about prison life; but, until you've actually spent a little time here, it's hard to get the real flavor of what it's like. I think more Americans should spend a little time behind bars, so they would understand that.
- Len Garber: Well, more Americans probably will.
- Meredith: Remember the little girl in the bank? She is ready to swear that you weren't the ones in the woodpecker suits when the bank was held up. And she remembers that one of the robbers had a tattoo! She even remembers the design. Neither, neither of you has a tattoo, do you?
- Skip Donahue: No.
- Meredith: Good! I'll check the tattoo artists in the area. Oh, by the way, there's a raunchy strip joint in town where tattooed guys hang out. I'm going to try for a part-time job there.
- Young Man in Hospital: What you in for, brother?
- Harry Monroe: There's got to be some kind of confusion. They say my appendix grew back; but, I had it taken out years ago. What about you?
- Young Man in Hospital: I came in for a hernia operation. They cut off one of my nuts by mistake.
- Harry Monroe: Say what!
- Skip Donahue: I want a bigger cell! With better ventilation!
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Why? Grossberger been fartin' on ya?
- Skip Donahue: [in a crowded department store] Hi. Hello. Excuse me, dear. May I talk with you for just one minute?
- Susan: Up your kazoo!
- Skip Donahue: [laughs] Up my! Please, I'm not trying to be a pest. I know that you're an actress.
- Susan: Who are you?
- Skip Donahue: My name is Skip Donahue. I'm a playwright and I saw you do a scene from "Romeo and Juliet" at the Wilson Workshop. I want you to know that you were wonderful. I'm not just saying it to be kind. You were really lovely.
- Susan: If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to kick you in the nuts!
- Skip Donahue: [laughs] Kick! In the nuts! You're fantastic. I mean the way you can switch characters like that. The difference between this and your Juliet is fabulous. By the way, dear, I know that you're not wearing anything underneath that coat.
- Susan: What?
- Skip Donahue: I also know that you're a shoplifter, part-time.
- Susan: What are you? Some kind of a looney tune?
- Skip Donahue: No, I'm the store detective, here, part-time.
- Sissie: Harry, what is this?
- Harry Monroe: That's personal.
- Sissie: What is it?
- Harry Monroe: That ain't oregano.
- Sissie: [to her helper] You put this in the veal?
- Cook's Helper: And the soup.
- Sissie: No!
- Cook's Helper: And the salad.
- Sissie: Lord have mercy!
- [smells it]
- Sissie: Grass!
- Harry Monroe: My grass. Jesus! You cooked half my stash!
- Sissie: Mrs. R.H. was my best customer, too!
- Harry Monroe: Yeah, well I was James' best customer. That's the guy who sold me this African Ganja '65! Do you understand what you've done to me? My girlfriend, Caroline, just for a little bit of this, was not only going to let me have her mind and her body; but, two of her girlfriends!
- Skip Donahue: I want to get out of this place! Let's go some place! We can just head out west. We could grab odd jobs along the way. Build up a wonderful little nest egg. And then head for Hollywood! That's the place for you and me! Picture it, Harry. Harry and Skip in the Sunbelt. Out there, in the Sunbelt, you just smile and they pour money out on you. And the women! Oh, God. The women. Natural. Robust! Open. Carefree. Uninhibited. Healthy!
- Minister: I'm feeling something very strange.
- Joy: That's my leg.
- [Minister removes his hand and Joy moves it back]
- Joy: Oh, that's alright. Hit 'em again, Harry.
- Harry Monroe: Yes, ma'am.
- [pours more champagne]
- Harry Monroe: Hitting again, Father.
- Minister: I never felt like this before. I'm - I'm...
- Joy: Horny? That which reminds me, there's something I've always wanted to ask someone like you. Do you get much?
- Minister: Not too often. Just an occasional glass at dinner.
- Harry Monroe: That's not what she meant.
- Jesus Ramirez: They accused me of robbing several banks. But, no way! I was drunk and all; but, I'm positive I only robbed one bank. How about you?
- Skip Donahue: Oh, my friend and I were doing this song and dance act...
- Jesus Ramirez: Oh, must have been pretty bad.
- Skip Donahue: I wonder what triggered all that violence? He seems so gentle. I see what it is. Nobody has ever just sat down and honestly talked to that man. Poor kid.
- Warden Walter Beatty: I don't believe what I just saw!
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Well, the damn machine's malfunctioned.
- Warden Walter Beatty: The machine's fine, Wilson. Maybe you'd like to get up on it and try for a sit.
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Luck was all it was.
- Warden Walter Beatty: That boy's a born cowboy!
- Deputy Ward Wilson: From New York?
- Warden Walter Beatty: I don't care if he's from Tasmania!
- Rory: That's Blade. He runs the third world side of Cell Block 2. My dear, till Grossberger came along he held the axe murder record in the south-west! He's the one I'm gonna get you the cheeseburger from. How do you like it, medium?
- Harry Monroe: Oh no, I don't want no cheeseburger, I'm trying to, er, keep my weight down.
- Rory: Don't worry about him, I'll protect you. I'll protect you!
- Harry Monroe: I'm getting a little podge.
- Rory: For some reason I make him uneasy!
- [Waves in a very camp manner toward Blade]
- Harry Monroe: I wonder why? Hi
- [waves at Blade]
- Harry Monroe: . I'm going!
- [Calls after Skip]
- Harry Monroe: Skip my friend.
- [Then, to Rory]
- Harry Monroe: Excuse me would you?
- Rory: I'll come with you.
- Harry Monroe: Awwwww... shit!
- Skip Donahue: Okay, just picture this. You and me - and two girls. Romping through the desert. Splashing into the ocean. And the moonlight is out. And, we just catch a glimpse of their bodies when the moonlight hits their breasts. And we watch those breasts just bounce gently - to and fro.
- Harry Monroe: And sand?
- Skip Donahue: After the water, we go on the sand; but, we'll have a blanket.
- Harry Monroe: Seriously, man.
- Skip Donahue: You tell me I'm serious! That's what I'm trying to tell ya!
- Harry Monroe: Let's go!
- Skip Donahue: Okay! California! Here I come!
- Sheriff: Would you mind stepping downtown with us and lookin' at some mug shots. Maybe you can identify those guys.
- Bank Teller: There they are! The New Yorkers!
- Skip Donahue: Is there anything we can do to help?
- Skip Donahue: Is there not some lightning stroke you can use to cut through all this garbage? This isn't funny anymore. Do they know I hate confinement?
- Skip Donahue: Alright, now listen to me. A kid tried that stuff at me once at Camp Minneconnie in Vermont and I hit him so hard that his braces ripped the whole upper part of his lip. His mother had to come and get him in the middle of the season!
- Skip Donahue: The fact is that you were railroaded! Just one more example of a repressive criminal justice system coming down on the bottom layer of society.
- Meredith: Well, I don't know about the bottom part; but, I couldn't agree with you more on the rest.
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Bein' from the East, I thought the kid would be a little softer in the crotch.
- Warden Walter Beatty: He's soft alright. You just don't know where to kick him!
- Korean Doctor: [to Harry] Mr. Frasier, how you go?
- Young Man in Hospital: That's the cat that did me.
- Harry Monroe: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
- [runs out of the hospital]
- Young Man in Hospital: Make sure you cover up your jewels!
- Harry Monroe: Nooo! Ahhhhh!
- Blade: What you doin' joinin' the rodeo? A city dude like you, suckin' up to the Warden!
- Skip Donahue: He's not sucking up to the Warden. He's just having a little fun. We showed some aptitude for this, that's all.
- Blade: Aptitude? You hear that?
- Rory: Why don't you lay off him Blade. The man's just doin' what he gotta do! They were going to cut the dude's nuts off! Ain't that right, Harry?
- Harry Monroe: I don't want to discuss my nuts.
- [first lines]
- Skip Donahue: Who needs Hollywood? I hear they're really nuts out there.
- [singing]
- Skip Donahue: Give me a town like old New York, With lots of trees and clean fresh air, I need a place where love is everywhere, They say I'm Crazy, just a little bit out of whack...
- Skip Donahue: She's not for you.
- Harry Monroe: What do you mean, she's not for me?
- Skip Donahue: Harry, Nancy is a fascinating girl. She may be the single hottest girl on the East Side. But, when you wake up in the morning, you'll find that she's not a very serious person.
- Harry Monroe: Neither - am - I!
- Harry Monroe: Tell me about the job opportunity.
- Skip Donahue: It's in banking.
- Harry Monroe: I don't know a darn thing about banking.
- Skip Donahue: We don't have to know anything about banking. I've sold the manager on a new promotion idea.
- Harry Monroe, Skip Donahue: [next scene, inside a bank, dressed in bird costumes, singing] Oh, you'll save money, Knock on wood, When you do what a good wood pecker should, Save for a horse or a brand new ranch, When you flock to the Glenboro Savings Branch, You can feather your nest with frills, Fill your garage with coupe de villes, Just relax if you have the big bills...
- Harry Monroe, Skip Donahue: [singing in a bird costume] What you can do, Be a smart bird too, You little pecker you!
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Let's move!
- Skip Donahue: What happened?
- Deputy Ward Wilson: Let's go Mayor Koch. And you too, Count Basie. It's 4:30.
- Skip Donahue: Why so early?
- Deputy Ward Wilson: It's called paying your debt to society. Now, let's move!
- Skip Donahue: Is breakfast ready?
- Harry Monroe: Somebody stole the toilet.
- Skip Donahue: It's over here.
- Skip Donahue: It's amazing. There's hardly any family resemblance. No offense.
- Meredith: We're just barely cousins. See, my mother was a French Can-Can dancer and - it's a long story.
- Skip Donahue: You want to know something that's always fascinated me? Are the prison romances that sometimes spring up between inmates and girls from the outside. Sometimes quite beautiful girls. I mean, would you, for example, could you actually become involved, I mean, romantically, with a prisoner?
- Meredith: Absolutely not.
- Skip Donahue: No, I didn't think so. I was just curious.
- Warden Walter Beatty: I want to win that trophy. And I countin' on you to go balls out for it.
- Skip Donahue: I only have one speed. Balls out.
- Len Garber: That's way on the other side of town. We'll never make it!
- Meredith: We have to try, Len. Please! Please shut up and shake your tail!
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