Magnum, P.I. (TV Series)

Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii (1980)

Tom Selleck: Magnum

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Quotes 

• Magnum : [narrating]  Funny, the things a grown man will do for a living. Especially me. Take this morning; I'm breaking into Robin Masters' estate. You know, the writer. The one with all those best-sellers, all that money. No, that's not Robin, that's ex-Sergeant Major Higgins. He's sort of the majordomo around here. Robin flies in once or twice a year. The rest of the time, the estate is open to his friends. Higgins' job is to see that they're well bedded, fed, watered, and protected.

  Jonathan Quayle Higgins III : Zeus! Apollo! At your posts, lads.

  [two Doberman pinschers approach] 

  Magnum : Me, I live here, too. So why am I breaking in? Well, I made a deal with Robin to run a series of security checks in exchange for living free in the guest house. First check was to try and steal the Ferrari. I thought I made a pretty good deal, then I met Higgins. He takes his job much too seriously.

• Thomas Sullivan Magnum III : [angrily confronting his former superior officer]  What's all this crap about Dan Cook smuggling coke?

• Magnum : Alice, your father is a retired war hero. He's a flag officer, to boot. Now, he could get the 7th Fleet moved here if that's what it took to find Dan's killers!

  Alice Cook : Sure, he could, but he won't.

  Magnum : For God's sake, why not?

  Alice Cook : Because, what if it's true? What if Dan was smuggling?

  Magnum : I don't believe you said that!

  Alice Cook : I did not say it. My father said it. Tom, look, part of Dad knows that Dan could never do anything like that, but that other part of him, that Navy part of him, that military man, just cannot disbelieve an official report that is signed by Captain Cooly and a Navy doctor and half a dozen other people. Now you tell me, are they all lying?

  Magnum : I don't know. Maybe! But we'll never find out if somebody doesn't challenge it!

  Alice Cook : Well, it is not gonna be Dad.

  Magnum : You mean he's just gonna accept that report?

  Alice Cook : Yes. But he's hoping you won't.

• Captain J. Cooly, USN : He wasn't in Tokyo on an NIA investigation because I didn't assign him anything that would take him beyond the main gate. It's right in the report there.

  Magnum : [throwing it down]  I don't give a damn what's in the report! Dan Cook was in Tokyo on a Navy investigation, not to smuggle!

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : How do you know that?

  Magnum : Because he wired me in Tokyo to pick him up at the airport. He said he was on an important case. He wanted my help.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : What case?

  Magnum : I don't know. He never met me.

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : You don't know? You barge into this office, you threaten me, you accuse me of not doing my duty, and all you can say is you don't know?

• Captain J. Cooly, USN : You know, Magnum, one of my fondest memories will always be the day you resigned your commission. Watching the Shore Patrol toss your butt off this station is gonna be another.

  Magnum : You wanna tell me why you're writing Dan off, or do you want the Shore Patrol to charge me with assault?

  [Cooly gives him a manila envelope] 

  Magnum : [looking at the contents]  Oh, for God's sake, you don't... actually believe that Dan Cook swallowed a dozen packets of coke to smuggle it into the islands, do you?

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : It's rather disgusting when you think about it, but, yes.

  Magnum : Yeah, and it's rather stupid, considering his NIA clearance coulda got him past any customs check in the free world.

• Magnum : [narrating]  All night long, one thought ran over and over through my head. If I'd been on time, maybe somehow I could've saved Dan's life. It made meeting his sister even tougher. Alice. What do you say to your buddy's kid sister?

• Magnum : Captain Cooly, look... I realize that you never liked Dan or me, but you can't let a petty jealousy interfere with...

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Petty jealousy? Petty?

  [showing Magnum his cover] 

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : You see this? It took me three wars and 30 years to earn this. That's thirty years of sweating, of bleeding, laughing at stupid admirals' jokes, volunteering to serve on the rust buckets of this Navy. I figured it would take the two of you half that to make Captain. What are you, hmm? Are you smarter than me? Were better sailors? More dedicated officers? No! I'll tell you what you were, mister. You were connected!

  Magnum : Captain Cooly...

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Who got the two of you appointed to Annapolis? Who got your Navy Crosses approved? Who was gonna get you your scrambled eggs in half the time it takes to earn them? I'll tell you who: Admiral Raleigh Cook, that's who! Now, not covering up for his son may seem like petty jealousy to you, mister, but to me, it's poetic justice.

  [opening the door as a nonverbal request to leave] 

  Captain J. Cooly, USN : Now, since you are no longer part of this man's Navy, get your butt off this station. If you ever show it here again, I'm gonna charge you with everything from espionage to indecent exposure! You hear me, mister?

  Magnum : Loud and clear. Dan Cook was murdered. And I'm gonna prove it. And when I do, you can kiss those gold stripes you spent 30 years egg-suckin' for goodbye.

• Magnum : ["stealing" Robin's Ferrari]  Don't look at the dogs. Work the lock. Work the lock, work the lock. Don't look at the dogs.

  [looking at Zeus and Apollo approaching] 

  Magnum : You looked at the dogs!

  [getting in and shutting the door] 

  Magnum : [narrating]  Sometimes, everything goes exactly as planned. Sometimes, it doesn't. Overnight, Higgins had installed an alarm system. It activated the moment I opened the door, which meant I had less than a minute to figure the combination. After that, a siren would go off, the fuel pump would lock, and it'd take nitro to move Robin's Ferrari.

  [seeing two women approach] 

  Magnum : Hi.

  Inge , Greta : Hi.

  Magnum : You here for the weekend?

  Greta : Yeah.

  Magnum : It's a great place. You'll love it. It's got everything. You wouldn't happen to know the combination to this alarm, would you?

  Greta : Are you stealing Robin's car?

  Magnum : Uh... no. Well, sort of. But it-it's okay. It's a security check. It's just sort of a game. Higgins would have picked a number that he was familiar with, like the address...

  [trying, to no avail] 

  Magnum : Or the zip code.

  Inge : Or maybe his Social Security number?

  Magnum : You know his Social Security number?

  Inge : No.

  Magnum : The phone! He used Robin Masters' personal phone number!

  Jonathan Quayle Higgins III : [trying, the alarm turns off and the engine starts]  No...

  Magnum : I'd invite you girls to breakfast, but I've gotta pick up a buddy flying in from Tokyo. Don't worry, Higgins, I'll drive careful.

• Alice Cook : It's terrible to say this, but I think if... if Dan had died when the two of you were in Vietnam, Dad could have handled that. But not like this.

  Magnum : For God's sake, Alice, you don't believe what Cooly released to the press? That's just to let the people who murdered Dan think they got away with it.

  Alice Cook : Did Captain Cooly tell you that?

  Magnum : Alice, the Navy and I aren't exactly on speaking terms since I resigned, but it's the only thing that makes sense.

  Alice Cook : Tom... Dad was officially informed by Captain Cooly that Dan died when drugs he was smuggling in his stomach got absorbed into his system. The Navy's not even gonna let us bury him with military honors.

  Magnum : That's crazy! What'd Cooly say when the Admiral called him?

  Alice Cook : Dad never called.

• Magnum : Ski!

  Ski : Lieutenant Magnum!

  Magnum : It's not Lieutenant anymore, Ski.

  Ski : You know, I haven't seen you since you beached yourself, what, uh, about four, five months ago?

  Magnum : More like a year.

  Ski : I heard you were playing like a detective.

  Magnum : Investigator, Ski. Private investigator. Look, Lieutenant Cook's comin' in from Tokyo on a max flight, I gotta pick him up. If I go through Hickam's main gate, I'm gonna be filling out paper 'til next Sunday.

  Ski : [retrieving a badge from his box]  No sweat, Lieutenant. This oughta get you just about anywhere on Pearl or Hickam.

  Magnum : Thanks, Ski.

  Ski : Nice set of wheels you got here. Where'd you steal her?

  Magnum : [insulted]  What makes you think she isn't mine?

• Magnum : [narrating]  If you're wondering how I could be so sure the combination was the phone number, if it wasn't, Higgins would have won. And fate just wouldn't do that to me.