- Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
- Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
- Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
- Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
- Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
- Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
- [as the plane prepares to take off]
- Hanging Lady: Nervous?
- Ted Striker: Yes.
- Hanging Lady: First time?
- Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.
- Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
- Roger Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
- Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
- Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
- Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay here.
- Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is...
- [showing his nametag]
- Roger Murdock: ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.
- Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
- [Kareem gets angry]
- Joey: And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
- Roger Murdock: [breaking character] The hell I don't! LISTEN, KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!
- Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
- Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
- Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
- Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this?
- [Hands him the weather briefing]
- Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...
- Young Boy with Coffee: Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee.
- Little Girl: Oh, that's very nice of you, thank you.
- [takes coffee]
- Little Girl: Oh, won't you sit down?
- Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
- Little Girl: No, thank you, I take it black, like my men.
- Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
- Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
- Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
- Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
- Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
- Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
- Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
- [Randy is crying]
- Rumack: Randy, are you all right?
- Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
- Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
- [a woman passenger comes in]
- Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
- Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
- Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband.
- [Randy cries harder]
- First Jive Dude: Shiiit, man. That honky mofo messin' mah old lady--got to be runnin' cold upside down his head, you know?
- [Subtitle: Golly, that white fellow better stay away from my wife, or I will punch him]
- Second Jive Dude: Hey, home', I can dig it. He ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap-up on you, man.
- [Subtitle: Yes, he is wrong for doing that]
- First Jive Dude: I say hey, sky. Subba say I wan' see...
- Second Jive Dude: Uh-huh.
- First Jive Dude: ...pray to J, I did the same-ol', same-ol'.
- [Subtitle: I knew a man in a similar predicament, and he ended up being sorry]
- Second Jive Dude: Hey, knock yo'self a pro, Slick. That gray matter backlot perform us down; I take TCBin', man!
- [Subtitle: Don't be so naive, Arthur. Each of us faces a clear moral choice]
- First Jive Dude: Hey, you know what they say. See a broad to get dat booty ac'ion...
- First Jive Dude, Second Jive Dude: ...lay her down, or smack 'em, yak 'em!
- [Subtitle: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise]
- First Jive Dude: Cold got to be! Y'know?
- [Subtitle: How true!]
- First Jive Dude: Shiiit!
- [Subtitle: Golly!]
- Roger Murdock: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.
- Captain Oveur: Roger!
- Roger Murdock: Huh?
- Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.
- Captain Oveur: Roger!
- Roger Murdock: Huh?
- Victor Basta: Request vector, over.
- Captain Oveur: What?
- Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.
- Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
- Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
- Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
- Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
- Tower voice: Over.
- Captain Oveur: Roger.
- Roger Murdock: Huh?
- Tower voice: Roger, over!
- Roger Murdock: What?
- Captain Oveur: Huh?
- Victor Basta: Who?
- Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read?
- Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light?
- Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"
- [hands the old lady a miniscule piece of paper]
- Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
- Operator: [Captain Oveur is on the phone with the Mayo Clinic] Excuse me, Captain Oveur, but I have an emergency call on line five from a Mr. Hamm.
- Captain Oveur: All right, give me a Hamm on five, hold the Mayo.
- [repeated line, to Ted and Elaine]
- Rumack: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
- Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
- Rumack, Randy: [together] It's an entirely different kind of flying.
- Randy: Can I get you something?
- Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!
- [Subtitle: I ATE SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING MY INSIDES CRAMP UP]
- Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- First Jive Dude: Cutter say 'e can't HANG!
- [Subtitle: MY BUDDY HERE SAYS HE CAN'T TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER]
- Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.
- Randy: Oh, good.
- Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
- Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
- Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.
- [Subtitle: JUST BE PATIENT MY FRIEND. SHE'S GOING TO BRING SOMETHING ON HER WAY BACK TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER]
- Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
- [Subtitle: MA'AM, I'M NOT STUPID. I UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE JUST SAID]
- Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help!
- [Subtitle: GIVE ME A BREAK! IF YOU DON'T WANT HELP, I WON'T HELP YOU!]
- First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
- Jive Lady: Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.
- [Subtitle: NEVER MIND. YOU'RE STUPID, ANYWAY. GOLLY!]
- Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.
- Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
- Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
- Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
- Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- [all hell breaks loose in the cabin]
- Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
- Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
- Male announcer: [later] The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.
- Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.
- Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone.
- Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!
- Male announcer: Listen, Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.
- [Later]
- Male announcer: There's just no stopping in a white zone.
- Female announcer: Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
- Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do if it's done properly. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
- Hanging Lady: No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure... supple, pouting breasts... firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along.
- [an epidemic of food poisoning is sweeping the plane]
- Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on?
- Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.
- Elaine Dickinson: You got a telegram from headquarters this morning.
- Ted Striker: Headquarters? What is it?
- Elaine Dickinson: Well, it's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important right now.
- Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can.
- [to Striker]
- Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?
- Ted Striker: No, never.
- Rex Kramer: [to McCroskey, with the microphone still on] Shit! This is a goddamn waste of time! There's no way he can land this plane!
- Striped controller: Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
- Striped controller: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
- Steve McCroskey: [56:14] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
- Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
- Steve McCroskey: [1:16:42] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue
- Steve McCroskey: [1:03:35] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
- Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.
- Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.
- Elaine Dickinson: It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect.
- Ted Striker: [turns towards the camera] What a pisser!
- Rumack: Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling.
- [Oveur does all of the above as Rumack describes each one]
- Rumack: At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence
- [Oveur begins to fart uncontrollably]
- Rumack: Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.
- Rex Kramer: Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question... skip that.
- Air Controller Macias: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the searchlights now.
- Rex Kramer: No... that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.
- Controller: [55:21] I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.
- Rex Kramer: Don't be a fool, Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there.
- Ted Striker: No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it, Kramer?
- Ted Striker: It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.
- Lieutenant Hurwitz: [singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses...
- Ted Striker: War is hell.
- [reading newspaper headlines]
- Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die!
- Steve McCroskey: Airline negligent.
- Johnny: There's a sale at Penney's!
- Radio DJ: This is WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever...
- [the airplane zooms overhead the building, knocking the radio antenna down, and the signal goes dead]
- Ted Striker: [53:49] Mayday! Mayday!
- Steve McCroskey: What the heck is that?
- Johnny: Why, that's the Russian New Year. We can have a parade and serve hot hors d'oeuvres...
- Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
- Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
- Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!
- Rex Kramer: Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field.
- Steve McCroskey: Bein' done right now.
- [On the runway, a truck dumps a full load of lamps onto the ground]
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