Americathon (1979)

George Carlin: Narrator

Quotes 

• [opening sequence; two dinosaurs fighting] 

  Jimmy Carter : What you're looking at is downtown Pittsburgh, one million B.C. Those two big guys are fighting for a parking space. This is where our story begins. If they could have just learned to live together like decent human beings, they'd still be around and there never would have been an energy crisis. But they died out, and what was left of them turned into fossil fuel... Oil. See, it's not cute when eleven tons gets cranky. Their problem was they were all teeth and no brain...

  [Shot of President Jimmy Carter] 

  Narrator : ...which brings us to this guy. Jimmy Carter was President of the United States when everybody started to notice we were running out of dead dinosaurs. No more gas to run our cars. Fights at the pump. People getting nozzle-whipped. So what was his solution? He made a speech.

  Jimmy Carter : The energy crisis has not yet overwhelmed us. But it will, if we do not act quickly.

  Narrator : We didn't. When America finally ran out of gas, an angry mob broke into the White House and lynched him. Along with three or four of his snottier cabinet members.

• Narrator : Everyone all across the country was watching the telethon. From what was left of New York, to the first all-gay state, North Dakota. All eyes were glued to their sets...

  [shot of men at stand-up urinals watching television] 

  Narrator : ...which in some cases, ruined a lot of good shoes.

• Narrator : President Roosevelt was a successful graduate of EST, Scientology, TM and Primal Grope Therapy. And he was elected on a platform unique in American political history: "I'm not a schmuck!" Even though that was Chet's only campaign promise, it looked like it would be a tough one to keep.