Open All Hours (1976–1985)

Ronnie Barker: Albert Arkwright

Photos 

Quotes 

• Arkwright : Scotch broth? That's very exotic. I'm afraid I don't have any in small tins. Only large tins.

  Mavis : Oh.

  Arkwright : I can't cut it in half Mavis. It all f-flops out. Tell you what. I'll sell you a large tin but I'll only charge you for two small tins.

• [repeated line] 

  Arkwright : Granville, fetch your cloth!

• Arkwright : I want a w-w-word with you.

  Granville : That's three words.

  Arkwright : That girl of Grimshaw's.

  Granville : Big Edna?

  Arkwright : Have you been kn-kn-knocking

  Granville : I have only admired her from a distance.

  Arkwright : Let me finish. Have you been kn-kn-knocking coppers off her weekly order?

  Granville : You do the same for Mrs Featherstone.

  Arkwright : Not without putting them back somewhere else.

• Granville : You won't let me buy firelighters. You say they're too expensive.

  Arkwright : They are in this damn shop. I'm not paying these prices! Get round the Co-op and buy some.

  [pause] 

  Arkwright : Go and open a packet.

  Granville : [leaves the room, to return a few seconds later]  Not if they're going to count as my birthday present.

• Arkwright : G-Granville? How do you spell p-p-p-p-pepper? Is it six p's or seven?

• Mavis : I don't know whether to take a tin of luncheon meat.

  Arkwright : Is it on your list?

  Mavis : Yes...

  [Arkwright goes half-way round the shop to fetch a tin of luncheon meat and comes back with it] 

  Mavis : ...But I crossed it out.

• Arkwright : Didn't you hear the weather fore-fore-forecast?

  Granville : The "fore-fore-forecast"? That's three fours are twelve... don't you mean the weather "twelvecast"?

• Nurse Gladys Emmanuel : What are your meringues like?

  Arkwright : I'm not telling you till after we're married.

• Mrs Blewitt : So. You're going to Parslow's funeral.

  Arkwright : Yes. Even though it's very unlikely that he'll ever come to mine.

• Arkwright : Don't just crit there siticizing!

• Granville : [exasperated at Arkwright's tight-fistedness]  You're not going to live forever you know.

  Arkwright : I'm goin' to have a d-damn good try, aren't you?

• Nurse Gladys Emmanuel : She has a face like a fit.

  Arkwright : Aye, but what it would fit, I'll never know. It is like her facial muscles don't know the meaning of the word "teamwork".

• Arkwright : D'ya know what you need? A good walloping.

  Nurse Gladys Emmanuel : Oh, yeah and who's gonna give it to me?

  Arkwright : I? I? I am.

  Nurse Gladys Emmanuel : Oh, three of you.

• Arkwright : Oh, you wound me sometimes, Granville!

  Granville : How?

  Arkwright : That time I sat on your bicycle clip springs to mind.

• Arkwright : Oh, so we're giving flowers to the milkwoman's boyfriend now?

• Mrs Featherstone : [Granville has just walked into Mrs. Featherstone]  Not even my husband used to get that close.

  Arkwright : [to Granville]  Dear God! Where did you catch her?

• Arkwright : You look all sinister and Hungarian.

  Granville : Hungarians don't look like this.

  Arkwright : Badly-dressed Hungarians do.

  Granville : I look like an idiot.

  Arkwright : Yes.

• Arkwright : I hate that scrunching sound errand boys make when you have to stand on them.

• Mrs. Parslow : I'll have a large washing-up liquid.

  Arkwright : I think I'll join you.

• Arkwright : Well done! And you certainly have been.

• Granville : Look at the time! Quarter to nine and I'm held here in the clutches of my wicked uncle.

  Arkwright : Your uncle is going to be wicked across the road, clutching something else entirely.

• Granville : I've got the blood of poets and lovers in my veins.

  Arkwright : [as Granville leaves]  Yes. And at least one electrician.

• Arkwright : You've got the evenings free, haven't you?

  Granville : Yeah, knowing you, they'd HAVE to be free. Anyway, WHAT evenings? We don't close here 'till nine o'clock at night.

  Arkwright : One day, Granville, all this will be y-yours. Lock-lock-lock-lock-lock-lock, stock and barrel. I'm always t-telling you this.

  Granville : Yes I know, every time I ask for a rise.

• Arkwright : [Repeated line]  Why don't you j-j-jiggle it a bit?