- Lady: Lieutenant Columbo. Are you with the Army?
- Lt. Columbo: Los Angeles Police Department.
- Lady: Oh. Have we done something?
- Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am. Not that I know of, no. I'm just here - I'm just part of an investigation.
- Lady: Well, of what? Are you with the Vice Squad? I don't remember having a good time.
- Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.
- Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That good, ain't it?
- Lt. Columbo: [pause] Hmm. Yeah, that explains it.
- Tommy Brown: Aren't you afraid, bein' up here alone with a killer?
- Lt. Columbo: No, sir. No, sir, I had a feeling that sooner or later...
- [switches on the car radio playing "I Saw the Light"]
- Lt. Columbo: Sooner or later you would have confessed, even if I hadn't caught you.
- Tommy Brown: Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant. I would've... 'cause it was gettin' to me and I'm glad it's over.
- Lt. Columbo: Listen, any man that can sing like that can't be all bad.
- Lt. Columbo: I'm not here to pry into your personal life.
- Tommy Brown: My personal life is an open book. Everybody knows I done time.
- Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir, but what you've done since you've gotten out, that's been an inspiration to a lot of people.
- Tommy Brown: Then what're you buggin' me for?
- Lt. Columbo: [Showing ID in a hushed tone] L.A.P.D., Lieutenant Columbo. I just didn't want to identify myself in front of the reporter.
- Roland Pangborn: Why not?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, it's like you're saying, it's better to be unofficial until you get the facts.
- Mr. Grindell: I'm a great admire of the police department, you know...
- Lt. Columbo: I didn't know but I'm always glad to hear that
- Mr. Grindell: Why shouldn't you hear of it? After all you men are so willing to give your life to save ours!
- Lt. Columbo: Well... Let's hope it doesn't come up too often.
- Mr. Grindell: Yes, yes, yes... But it does, doesn't it? Especially in these violent times, its um... Just this morning at the breakfast with my dear wife Martha, I glanced at the paper and I uh, I noted the rate of police mortality is just shocking, I mean, it just... well you must be aware of that.
- Lt. Columbo: Well, we don't like to think about it often...
- Mr. Grindell: But one should think of it, shouldn't one?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, it's just kind of thing you don't really do anything about till you have to.
- Mr. Grindell: But, if you need a funeral, you'd not be in the condition to do anything about it, you see...
- [both chuckle uncomfortably]
- Lt. Columbo: Right, I see what you mean...
- Lt. Columbo: You know what the problem is? You're a celebrity. Because of you, my boss, he won't let me close up this case until I covered everything. Every loose end's gotta be tied up. Hey, make you crazy. So that's the problem.
- Tommy Brown: That's a cryin' shame. It really is. Man with your talent, real killers loose out there, and they got you chasin' smoke.
- Lt. Columbo: Whadda ya gonna do? That's the job, right? You take the good with the bad.
- Roland Pangborn: You know something Lieutenant, I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Thank you very much. You fellas... you have to fly.
- Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Not for me. Thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.
- Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.
- Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir, but eh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.
- Tommy Brown: Now look, Lieutenant, I'm not gonna try to tell you that Edna and I didn't quarrel. You can't go through a day with Edna without quarrelin'.
- Tommy Brown: I'm gonna grab a couple hours shut-eye.
- Edna Basket Brown: Well now, if you're thinking of looking for that child that came to the door, you just forget it, because I'll be right back... to make sure that all you're grabbin' is shut-eye.
- Lt. Columbo: You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it.