M*A*S*H (1972–1983)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

830 more photos

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

  Father Mulcahy : How do you figure, Hawkeye?

  Hawkeye : Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?

  Father Mulcahy : Sinners, I believe.

  Hawkeye : Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

• Frank Burns : This is the last straw!

  Hawkeye : Remind me to order more straws.

• Frank Burns : I know I'm a real asset.

  Hawkeye : You're only off by two letters.

• Radar : [on the phone with the US]  Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?

  Hawkeye : Well, it's today here.

  B.J. : It's always today here.

  Hawkeye : Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?

  B.J. : Good point.

  Hawkeye : Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!

• Frank Burns : Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.

  Hawkeye : Very good, Frank.

  B.J. : They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

• Hawkeye : Blow in my ear.

  Margaret : What?

  Hawkeye : I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.

• [as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field] 

  B.J. : What's Frank up to?

  Hawkeye : I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

• Hawkeye : Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.

• Hawkeye : I'm too frightened to be scared.

• [Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye] 

  Hawkeye : Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.

• Frank Burns : You disgust me!

  Hawkeye : You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

• Hawkeye : Insanity is just a state of mind

• [to Margaret] 

  Hawkeye : Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?

• [South Koreans are being taught to speak English] 

  Frank Burns : We're making real progress.

  Hawkeye : I can tell. You have a Korean accent.

• Frank Burns : Why don't you guys like me?

  Hawkeye : Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.

  Frank Burns : Aside from that.

  B.J. : Well, there's your pimples.

  Frank Burns : My pores won't close.

• Father Mulcahy : [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible]  Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.

  Hawkeye : If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.

• Hawkeye : [speaking to Klinger]  Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.

• Hawkeye : If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.

• Hawkeye : How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

• Hawkeye : [after discovering a patient that is a baby]  Boy, did his draft board go crazy!

• Hawkeye : [in describing the Swamp]  We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.

• Margaret : I am a woman, after all.

  Hawkeye : [turning to Burns]  Is that true, Frank?

• [Calling Maj. Freedman] 

  Hawkeye : Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?

• Frank Burns : All right, where's my razor?

  Hawkeye : Been shaving your legs again, Frank?

• Trapper : They got a lot of guts.

  Hawkeye : And they keep serving them.

• Trapper : Take a walk, Frank.

  Hawkeye : Yeah, take a major walk.

• Hawkeye : Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.

• Hawkeye : You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.