Jack Albertson: Grandpa Joe
Photos
Quotes
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Willy Wonka : How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
Charlie : I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world!
Willy Wonka : I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you.
Grandpa Joe : [sounding shocked] You're giving Charlie the...?
Willy Wonka : I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
Charlie : So that's why you sent out the golden tickets!
Willy Wonka : That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.
Grandpa Joe : And me?
Willy Wonka : Absolutely.
Charlie : But what happens to the rest...?
Willy Wonka : The whole family. I want you to bring them all.
[Willy and Charlie hug]
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Grandpa Joe : Mr. Wonka?
Willy Wonka : [pointedly ignoring him and Charlie] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
Grandpa Joe : [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The-the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. Wh-When does he get it?
Willy Wonka : He doesn't.
Grandpa Joe : Why not?
Willy Wonka : Because he broke the rules.
Grandpa Joe : What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
[Charlie shakes his head briefly]
Willy Wonka : [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:
[grabs a magnifying glass and reads]
Willy Wonka : I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum!
[slams the contract copy and the magnifying glass down, continues shouting]
Willy Wonka : It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
[turns back to his work]
Grandpa Joe : [shocked] You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are!
[angrily]
Grandpa Joe : How could you do a thing like this, build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!
Willy Wonka : [shouts even louder] I said good day!
Grandpa Joe : Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I'll ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
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Grandpa Joe : Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted.
Charlie : What's that?
Grandpa Joe : Veruca went first.
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Grandpa Joe : [viewing the Wonka-mobile being fueled] Mr. Wonka? Uh, what's that they're filling it up with?
Willy Wonka : Oh ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubbleade, bubblecola, double cola, double-bubble-burple-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] Sorry I asked.
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Charlie : [about the Wonkamobile] Is this going to go fast, Grandpa?
Grandpa Joe : It should, Charlie; it's got more gas in it than a politician.
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Grandpa Joe : When a loaf of bread looks like a banquet, I've no right buying tobacco.
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Mr. Salt : Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.
Willy Wonka : All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.
Mr. Salt : Ladies first, and that means Veruca.
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.
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[Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]
Willy Wonka : We're there.
Mrs. Teevee : Where?
Willy Wonka : Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!
Mr. Beauregarde : Let me off this crate!
Mike Teevee : Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?
Mrs. Teevee : I don't know.
Mr. Salt : What a nightmare.
Veruca Salt : Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.
[Charlie and Grandpa Joe look and read a sign at the door]
Charlie : Dairy cream...
Grandpa Joe : Whipped cream...
Charlie : Coffee cream...
Grandpa Joe : Vanilla cream...
Charlie , Grandpa Joe : Hair cream?
Willy Wonka : Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit.
[Translation: My dominions, please give me your attention]
Mrs. Teevee : That's not French.
Willy Wonka : Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.
[Translation: You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]
Mr. Salt : I can't take much more of this.
Willy Wonka : Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room.
[Translation: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]
Willy Wonka : Now, remember: No messing about, no touching, no tasting, no telling.
Grandpa Joe : No telling what?
Willy Wonka : You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!
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[Charlie and Grandpa Joe are floating in the fizzy lifting room]
[Grandpa Joe does a somersault in midair]
Charlie : Hey, you did it, Grandpa.
Grandpa Joe : Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket.
Charlie : You can fly to the moon this way.
Grandpa Joe : Let's just fly south for the winter.
Charlie : Why not? I'm a bird!
Grandpa Joe : I'm a plaaaaaaane!
Charlie : I'm... going too high!
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Charlie : [as the Wonkatania is going through the tunnel, to Grandpa Joe] This is kind of strange.
Grandpa Joe : [excitedly] Yes, it's strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Ha-ha!
[they grin at each other]
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Charlie : [after eating the now-shrunken Wonka bar] It's perfect.
Mrs. Teevee : It's unbelievable!
Grandpa Joe : It's a miracle!
Mike Teevee : It's a TV dinner!
Willy Wonka : It's Wonkavision.
Grandpa Joe : It could change the world!
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Charlie : [as Violet blows up into a blueberry] Why won't she listen to Mr. Wonka?
Grandpa Joe : Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit.
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Charlie : Hey Grandpa, what was that we just went through?
Willy Wonka : Hsaw Aknow.
Mrs. Teevee : Is that Japanese?
Willy Wonka : No, that's Wonka wash, spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the journey's over!
Grandpa Joe : Finest bath, I've had in twenty years!
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Augustus Gloop : [drinking from the chocolate river] Mm, this stuff is terrific.
Charlie : Grandpa, look at Augustus!
Grandpa Joe : Don't worry, he can't drink it all.
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Willy Wonka : [In the Wonkavator] Faster, faster; if we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through!
Charlie : Get through what?
Willy Wonka : Aha!
Grandpa Joe : You mean we're going...?
Willy Wonka : Up and out!
Grandpa Joe : But this roof is made of glass! It'll shatter into a thousand pieces! We'll be cut to ribbons!
Willy Wonka : Probably.
[Charlie begins to look nervous]
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Mr. Beauregarde : Violet, what are you doing now? You're blowing up!
Violet Beauregarde : I feel funny!
Grandpa Joe : I'm not surprised.
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Charlie : [referring to Augustus' being stuck in the pipe] He'll never get out.
Grandpa Joe : Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember when you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?
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Willy Wonka : This is the great glass Wonkavator.
Grandpa Joe : It's an elevator.
Willy Wonka : It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways...
Charlie : And frontways?
Willy Wonka : ...and squareways, and front ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button, and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one.
[gestures to a button near the top of the Wonkavator]
Willy Wonka : This one. Go ahead, Charlie.
Charlie : Me?
[Willy Wonka nods as Charlie presses the button]
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Willy Wonka : The Egg-dicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg, down the chute.
Grandpa Joe : [whispering to Charlie] It's an educated Egg-dicator.
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Charlie : [Takes loaf of bread from his knapsack and holds it up for everyone to see] How 'bout this?
Mrs. Bucket : Charlie, where'd you get that?
Grandpa Joe : What difference does it make where he got it? Point is he got it.
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[after Mike appears on the screen]
Grandpa Joe : Our little group is getting smaller by the minute.
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Veruca Salt : Daddy, I want a boat like this. A beautiful paddle boat is what I want.
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] What she wants is a good kick in the pants!
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Grandpa Joe : Good morning. Look at the sun.
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Mrs. Bucket : Wait, stop! It says the first of October, that's tomorrow!
Grandpa Joe : [to Charlie] Jumping crocodiles, Charlie! We've got a lot to do; Comb your hair, wash your face, polish your shoes and brush your teeth.
Mrs. Bucket : I'll take care of everything, dad.
Grandpa Joe : We don't have too much time.
Charlie : Grandpa? On the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth.
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Charlie : Hi, everybody.
Grandpa Joe : [to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina] Wake up. Wake up. Charlie's home.
Charlie : Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina. Grandma Josephine. Grandpa Joe.
[looks at the cabbage soup]
Charlie : Is this your supper, Grandpa?
Grandpa Joe : Well, it's yours, too, Charlie.
Charlie : I'm fed up with cabbage water. It's not enough.
Grandma Georgina : Charlie!
Grandma Josephine : It's all we have.
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Mr. Beauregarde : [looks shocked when Violet begins swelling] Violet, what are you doing now? You're blowing up!
Violet Beauregarde : I feel funny.
[her belt pops off her expanding abdomen]
Grandpa Joe : I'm not surprised.
Violet Beauregarde : [continues expanding] What's happening?
Mr. Beauregarde : You're blowing up like a balloon!
Willy Wonka : Like a blueberry.
Mr. Beauregarde : Somebody, do something. Call the doctor!
[Mike Teevee poking at Violet's expanding body]
Mrs. Teevee : Stick her with a pin.
Charlie : She'll pop!
Willy Wonka : It happens every time, they all become blueberries.
Mr. Beauregarde : You've really done it this time, haven't you, Wonka. I'll break you for this.
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Grandpa Joe : Well, that's that. No more Golden Tickets.
Grandma Josephine : A lot of rubbish, the whole thing.
Grandpa Joe : Not to Charlie it wasn't. A little boy's got to have something in this world to hope for. What's he got to hope for now?
Grandma Georgina : Who's going to tell him?
Mrs. Bucket : Let's not wake him. He'll find out soon enough.
Grandpa Joe : Yeah, let him sleep. Let him have one last dream.
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Grandma Josephine : Charlie's late.
Grandpa Joe : He works too hard for a little boy. He should have some time to play.
Mrs. Bucket : Not enough hours in the day. With the four of you bedridden for the past twenty years, it takes a lot of work to keep this family going.
Grandma Josephine : If only his father were alive.
Grandpa Joe : Soon as I get my strength back, I'm gonna get out of this bed and help him.
Mrs. Bucket : Dad, in all the years you've been saying you're going to get out of that bed, I've yet to see you set foot on the floor.
Grandpa Joe : Well... maybe if the floor wasn't so cold.
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Charlie : After I finished my paper route, I was in front of Wonka's. There was this strange man there. I think he was a tinker. He was standing right behind me, looking up at the factory. Just before he left, he said, Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out.
Grandpa Joe : And right he was, Charlie. Not since the tragic day that Willy Wonka locked it.
Charlie : Why did he lock it?
Grandpa Joe : Because all the other chocolate makers in the world were sending in spies dressed as workers to steal Mr. Wonka's secret recipes, especially Slugworth. Oh, that Slugworth, he was the worst! Finally, Mr. Wonka shouted, "I shall be ruined! Close the factory!" And that's just what he did. He locked the gates and vanished completely. And then suddenly, about three years later, the most amazing thing happened! The factory started working again, full blast! And more delicious candies were coming out than ever before, but the gates stayed locked so that no one, not even Mr. Slugworth could steal them.
Charlie : But, Grandpa, someone must be helping Mr. Wonka work the factory.
Grandpa Joe : Thousands must be helping him.
Charlie : But who? Who are they?
Grandpa Joe : That is the biggest mystery of them all.
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[Willy Wonka plays a short tune on a pipe whistle]
Mr. Salt : Who said that?
Mr. Beauregarde : What the heck is that?
Grandpa Joe : He's got a whistle.
