The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970–1977)
Ted Knight: Ted Baxter, Mrs. Goldman's Dog
Photos
Quotes
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Ted Baxter : I always like to think that our little newsroom was one big happy family. In my innocence, little did I suspect we'd be harboring a backstabber in our very bosom. I'm going to reveal the name of that person. The backstabber is...
Murray Slaughter : Isn't this were the lights go off and Ted is found dead on the floor?
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[On the air]
Ted Baxter : I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!"
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Lou Grant : You want a raise, is that it?
Ted Baxter : Lou, I've written a figure on this pad.
Lou Grant : Ted, I've written two words on this pad.
Ted Baxter : Lou, I thing there's some room for negotiation between that figure and those words.
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Lou Grant : Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted Baxter : Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.
Murray Slaughter : We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
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Ted Baxter : It's actually tomorrow in Tokyo. Do you realize that there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?
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[explaining a dream to Lou and Murray]
Ted Baxter : I dreamt I was an old man, all wrinkled and shriveled, sitting alone on this park bench, and then this-this guy walked up to me, and he looked kind of familiar, and he just stood there, looking at me. And I said, "Who are you?" And he said, "I'm the son you never had." And then-then this woman appeared, and I said, "Who are you?", and she said, "I'm the daughter you never had." And then-then about twenty kids appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "we're the children of the children you never had." Then a bunch of dogs and cats appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then a bunch of guys in white coats came up, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the Veterinarians of the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then, and then...
Lou Grant : Ted, just-just skip to the finish of the dream. Tell us how it ended.
Ted Baxter : Oh like all my dreams end, with Marlo Thomas and Winston Churchill applauding me.
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[Ted has been avoiding repaying Murrary]
Murray Slaughter : Ted, do you have that fifty cents I loaned you last week?
Ted Baxter : Sure, Murray.
[Looks in his wallet]
Ted Baxter : Darn, do you have change for a $500?
Murray Slaughter : Sure, Ted
[pulls a money bag from under his desk]
Ted Baxter : [stunned] Quarters?
Murray Slaughter : [smiling gleefully] Nickels!
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Mary Richards : Ted, do you trust me?
Ted Baxter : Well, sure I do.
Mary Richards : Okay, take off your left shoe.
[Ted does so]
Mary Richards : Now take off your left sock.
Ted Baxter : Mary...
Mary Richards : Do you trust me, Ted?
Ted Baxter : Sure.
Mary Richards : Take off your left sock.
[Ted does so]
Mary Richards : Now, the next time I'm talking to someone and you think of a comment you just have to add to the conversation, I want you to take that sock, and stuff it down your throat.
Ted Baxter : What about the shoe?
[Mary gives a look as if to say "don't tempt me."]
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Mary Richards : [eating dinner] This is delicious, Georgette. I love it.
Georgette Franklin Baxter : Thank you, Mary.
Ted Baxter : [stuffing his face] I love it, too, Georgette. And I love you. Will you marry me?
Mary Richards : Ted, you just proposed through a mouthful of creamed onions!
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Ted Baxter : I did a report on unemployment. It's at an all-time high. Or was it low?
Murray Slaughter : HIGH, Ted.
Ted Baxter : Hi, Murr!
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Ted Baxter : Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."
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Ted Baxter : Say, Murray, I just read this item I think we should use. It's about a man who went on TV to make a plea to send Turkeys to convicts.
Murray Slaughter : For pets or for dinner?
Ted Baxter : I don't know! I think it was in "Ar-Kansas."
Murray Slaughter : Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas too.
Ted Baxter : How do you like that! It's spreading from state to state!
