SPOILER ALERT!!!!! Several weeks ago I watched an "adult" version of the famous "Snow White" story, entitled "Biancaneve & Co." (1982). It turned out to be the WORST movie I have ever sat through. By the time it finished, not only had my mind shut down for fear of turning to mush, but my retinas ACTUALLY HURT!!!! So, when I had the opportunity to buy a copy of "Grimms Märchen von lüsternen Pärchen" (better known as "Grimm's Fairy Tales for Adults") (1969), I was a more than a little apprehensive. I enjoy adding different verions of Snow White to my collection, but I didn't think my brain, or my eyes, could take anymore Euro-trash sex versions.
I threw caution to the wind and bought the darn thing anyway.....
"Grimms Märchen von lüsternen Pärchen" is the story of two village idiots, named Hans and Hans, who through a series of absurd mishaps become a slight part of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. While the three princess tales play out around them, the two Hans' spend the movie trading their prized possession (whatever it happens to be at that moment) for something of lesser value. They start out with a HUGE rock of gold, then trade to a horse, then to a cow, then to a duck and finally to two rocks, which they lose down a well. Not the smartest guys in the "Magic Kingdom", these two serve as our link to the three fairytales about to unfold.
Being the "fairest in the land", Snow White's vain stepmother decides to have the waif gutted in the woods by the castle huntsman. In the chase that ensues, the huntsman manages to rip Snow's TINY dress off her body, revealing a VERY uncomfortable, jewel encrusted, g-sting and pasties and loses her in the dark forest. Rather than face the rage of the Queen, who is also now topless (???), he kills some random animal and brings it's heart back to his mistress...which she quickly gobbles up. Raw.
Back in the woods, Snow White is still running for her life, as each woodlyn animal she meets wants to ravish her. First a wolf, then a bear, then a frog and finally a very phallic snake....all of whom are wearing little tiny gold crowns. Very charming indeed.
Passed out from exhaustion, and completely exposing her bare breasts, Snow finally sleeps off her hectic day on the forest floor. Suddenly, and without warning, seven GIANT mushrooms appear and magically turn into, you guessed it, the Seven Dwarfs. Snow wakes up just in time to see them heading off to their cave homes and quickly follows.
Without sharing this with the viewer, Snow and the seven guys decide to set up house together, as the familiar story goes. When we next see her, Snow is hanging little hankies out to dry on a clothesline...and still wearing nothing but the pasties and g-string. It's at this point that Hans and Hans come by with their cow. Not sure what to with it, Snow White tries to explain the concept of milking it, by getting underneath the animal and SUCKING on one of it's udders! The two Hans' follow suit and freak out the poor cow (not to mention the veiwer!) and and causing it to take off running. I mean, wouldn't you?!? During this little "nursing" session, the evil Queen, who has discovered that Snow White still lives, has managed to slip a poisoned comb and mirror on the rock where Snow was doing laundry. The naked princess finds the items, uses them and passes out from the poison.
A short while later, the Dwarfs, who still haven't spoken a word, find their new royal maid unconscious and run off to their rooms to get something to revive her. They return with small pots of greasepaint and proceed to rub it all over her nubile young body (?!?) which in turn wakes the girl up. The next day....
The evil Queen has again found out the little princess lives and decides to visit a blue haired (literally) old witch in the woods. The witch spends her time turning naked young lovers into various animals and inprisoning them. Upon hearing the Queen's dilemma, the witch gives her a basket of poisoned apples, which the Queen promptly takes to Snow's hideout. Disguised and an old woman, the Queen literally tosses the STILL NAKED Snow White an apple as she passes by and dashes off into the woods, where she herself gets naked.
As usual, Snow eats, dies and is discovered by the dwarfs, only this time they can't wake her up by smearing "stuff" all over her body. Deciding that the girl is really dead this time, they stick her (very artisticly) in a glass coffin, and carry her around the countryside...for what seems like days!
FINALLY, a half naked handsome Prince comes along and by giving her a magic, VERY phallic flower, he wakes Snow White up and has sex with her.....which I guess means they lived happily ever after.
So ends the Snow White portion of this movie. As all three fairytales are happening at the same time, Hans and Hans move through the story helping each tale along. Sort of. Kind of. Well, not really.
The retellings of both Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are just a bizarre, and full of random nudity, as the Snow White one was.
Although I would only recommend watching this film if you are really drunk and haven't had a date in a LONG TIME, it was MUCH better than "Biancneve and Co.". At least with this one the weirdness kept your attention and didn't send your nervous system into a coma. Although the shock value of some of the scenes may be a bit much for some people.
Watch it at your own risk.....
I threw caution to the wind and bought the darn thing anyway.....
"Grimms Märchen von lüsternen Pärchen" is the story of two village idiots, named Hans and Hans, who through a series of absurd mishaps become a slight part of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. While the three princess tales play out around them, the two Hans' spend the movie trading their prized possession (whatever it happens to be at that moment) for something of lesser value. They start out with a HUGE rock of gold, then trade to a horse, then to a cow, then to a duck and finally to two rocks, which they lose down a well. Not the smartest guys in the "Magic Kingdom", these two serve as our link to the three fairytales about to unfold.
Being the "fairest in the land", Snow White's vain stepmother decides to have the waif gutted in the woods by the castle huntsman. In the chase that ensues, the huntsman manages to rip Snow's TINY dress off her body, revealing a VERY uncomfortable, jewel encrusted, g-sting and pasties and loses her in the dark forest. Rather than face the rage of the Queen, who is also now topless (???), he kills some random animal and brings it's heart back to his mistress...which she quickly gobbles up. Raw.
Back in the woods, Snow White is still running for her life, as each woodlyn animal she meets wants to ravish her. First a wolf, then a bear, then a frog and finally a very phallic snake....all of whom are wearing little tiny gold crowns. Very charming indeed.
Passed out from exhaustion, and completely exposing her bare breasts, Snow finally sleeps off her hectic day on the forest floor. Suddenly, and without warning, seven GIANT mushrooms appear and magically turn into, you guessed it, the Seven Dwarfs. Snow wakes up just in time to see them heading off to their cave homes and quickly follows.
Without sharing this with the viewer, Snow and the seven guys decide to set up house together, as the familiar story goes. When we next see her, Snow is hanging little hankies out to dry on a clothesline...and still wearing nothing but the pasties and g-string. It's at this point that Hans and Hans come by with their cow. Not sure what to with it, Snow White tries to explain the concept of milking it, by getting underneath the animal and SUCKING on one of it's udders! The two Hans' follow suit and freak out the poor cow (not to mention the veiwer!) and and causing it to take off running. I mean, wouldn't you?!? During this little "nursing" session, the evil Queen, who has discovered that Snow White still lives, has managed to slip a poisoned comb and mirror on the rock where Snow was doing laundry. The naked princess finds the items, uses them and passes out from the poison.
A short while later, the Dwarfs, who still haven't spoken a word, find their new royal maid unconscious and run off to their rooms to get something to revive her. They return with small pots of greasepaint and proceed to rub it all over her nubile young body (?!?) which in turn wakes the girl up. The next day....
The evil Queen has again found out the little princess lives and decides to visit a blue haired (literally) old witch in the woods. The witch spends her time turning naked young lovers into various animals and inprisoning them. Upon hearing the Queen's dilemma, the witch gives her a basket of poisoned apples, which the Queen promptly takes to Snow's hideout. Disguised and an old woman, the Queen literally tosses the STILL NAKED Snow White an apple as she passes by and dashes off into the woods, where she herself gets naked.
As usual, Snow eats, dies and is discovered by the dwarfs, only this time they can't wake her up by smearing "stuff" all over her body. Deciding that the girl is really dead this time, they stick her (very artisticly) in a glass coffin, and carry her around the countryside...for what seems like days!
FINALLY, a half naked handsome Prince comes along and by giving her a magic, VERY phallic flower, he wakes Snow White up and has sex with her.....which I guess means they lived happily ever after.
So ends the Snow White portion of this movie. As all three fairytales are happening at the same time, Hans and Hans move through the story helping each tale along. Sort of. Kind of. Well, not really.
The retellings of both Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are just a bizarre, and full of random nudity, as the Snow White one was.
Although I would only recommend watching this film if you are really drunk and haven't had a date in a LONG TIME, it was MUCH better than "Biancneve and Co.". At least with this one the weirdness kept your attention and didn't send your nervous system into a coma. Although the shock value of some of the scenes may be a bit much for some people.
Watch it at your own risk.....
