- Old King Cole: What ho! Bring me my royal pipe. And step on it.
- Kermit the Frog: [to the TV audience] At this point, you might think we'd go for the cheap joke. But we're not going to.
- Cookie Monster: [as Alistair Cookie, host of Monsterpiece Theatre] Today, we bring you greatest play in English language: Hamlet, by William Shakespeare. It no get classier than this.
- Oscar the Grouch: Say! Aren't you Johnny Trash?
- Johnny Cash: No, Cash.
- Oscar the Grouch: Cash, Cash!
- Johnny Cash: Yeah. Have a rotten day!
- Prairie Dawn: [Introducing Bert's play about taking care of one's teeth] Hello everyone, boys and girls. I want to welcome you and thank you for coming to see today's show. Today's show was written entirely by Bert, and was directed by Bert, and stars none other then our old friend Bert. If the play was just wonderful, you can thank Bert, but if the play was horrible, you have no one but Bert to blame.
- Bert: [after appearing from behind the curtain] Prairie, will you stop that? Just go to the piano and start the play!
- Prairie Dawn: [quieter] The stage manager is also Bert.
- Bert: [Bert has reluctantly agreed to have Ernie give him a haircut...] Ernie. I'm bald.
- Ernie: Um... well, I wouldn't say that, Bert.
- Bert: You wouldn't say that?
- [explodes]
- Bert: No, but it's true!
- Ernie: Well, I know it's true, I just wouldn't say it, Bert.
- Bert: [hysterical] You cut all my hair off!
- Ernie: Yes, well, I 'm sorry about that...
- Bert: Ernie!
- Ernie: But, but it will grow back again, you know...
- Bert: My hair!
- Ernie: - that's one of the great things about hair, you know.
- Bert: It'll take a *month* for it to grow back, Ernie!
- Ernie: [plaintively] A whole month?
- Bert: A whole month! What are you gonna do about it?
- Ernie: Uh... Bert! I have just the thing for you. Just a second.
- [ducks off screen]
- Bert: Oh, my hair.
- Ernie: [reappears carrying a large book] Here you go, Bert.
- Bert: What is that, a book?
- Ernie: Mm-hmm.
- [places it on the ledge in front of them]
- Bert: A book won't make my hair grow faster.
- Ernie: No, but it'll give you something to do while you're waiting.
- [snickers and runs off screen]
- Bert: Errnieee!
- Big Bird: At last! Now you see him and you got to believe me. He's not imaginary after all. I told you all along there was a Snuffleupagus, my best pal. I told you, but you never believed me.
- Gordon Robinson: Wait a minute, Big Bird. Maria, Linda and I believed you.
- Big Bird: Yeah, but no one else did.
- David Robinson: That's right, Big Bird. We didn't, but...
- Elmo: But what?
- Snuffleupagus: Yeah, but what?
- Susan Robinson: Big Bird, you have a right to be angry.
- Big Bird: I do?
- Susan Robinson: Sure, I mean after all this time, and we never believed you. That must have been very hard on you.
- Big Bird: Well, yeah.
- Bob Johnson: I'll tell you what, Big Bird. From now on, we'll believe you whenever you tell us something.
- Big Bird: You promise?
- Bob Johnson: We promise.
- Snuffleupagus: We might want to get that in writing.
- Fat Blue: [in Grover's taxi] I do not want to go to the museum, I do not want to go the movies, I do not want to go to the zoo! I want YOU to drive ME to the library!
- Grover: Gladly, sir. If you do not mind waiting.
- Fat Blue: Waiting? Waiting for what?
- Grover: 'Til I get my car fixed. It is broken.
- Fat Blue: I can't wait 'til your car is fixed. I'm in a hurry!
- Grover: Oh alright, sir, if you are going to be difficult.
- [calls out]
- Grover: Hey, Herry! Forget the gargage. We need to go to the library!
- Fat Blue: But I'm in a hurry. Hey...?
- Grover: Well in that case I shall call you a taxi.
- [calls out]
- Grover: Taxi! Taxi, we got a library job! Taxi! They never stop when you need them. Have you ever noticed that?
- [as Super Grover]
- Grover: Yes, it is I, *Sup*-er Grover! Protector of small children and bunny rabbits!
- [repeated lines]
- Grover: [out in the distance] He-e-e-e-e-ey, froggy baby!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, no.
- [Grover walks to Kermit and slaps his back really hard]
- Kermit the Frog: Oof!
- Mrs. Snuffleupagus: Come along my darlings. Hello, Mr. Handford.
- Mr. Handford: Hello, Mrs. Snuffleupagus.
- Snuffy: Hello, Mr. Handford.
- Mr. Handford: Hello, Snuffy.
- Alice Snuffleupagus: Hi, Mr. Hand Foot.
- [giggles]
- Mr. Handford: Hi, Alice.
- [to the camera]
- Mr. Handford: Boy, now that's a lot of snuffleupaguses.
- Ernie: You know, whenever I'm not sleepy, Bert tells me to count sheep.
- Count von Count: "Count Sheep?" Who's that?
- Ernie: Uh, uh, it's not a who, it's a what.
- Gordon: Sally, you've never seen a street like Sesame Street before. Everything happens here. You're gonna love it!
- Grover: Hello, sir, and welcome to Grover's Taxi.
- Fat Blue: Oh no, it's you!
- Grover: Yes it is I, your furry blue taxi driver. What can I do for you, sir?
- Fat Blue: I want to go to the library.
- Grover: Oh a very wise choice. The library is a wonderful place with books to read and you can listen to records like "The Air is Alive with the Sound of Music."
- Fat Blue: I know that. Let's go.
- Grover: You know you can take home books from the library too, if you bring them back of course.
- Fat Blue: I know. That's why I'm going there.
- Grover: Of course you could also go to the zoo.
- Fat Blue: I don't want to go to the zoo!
- Grover: Why? There are lions and tigers there. And the lions go Rrrrroar! And do not forget the monkeys, they are so cute, they go "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!" And you can buy a balloon there.
- Fat Blue: I don't wanna hear "Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh!" I don't want a balloon, I want to go to the library!
- Slimy: [after reading Trash Gordon] Read more! Read more!
- Oscar the Grouch: Uh uh. Sorry, Slimy, time for sleep now. So close your eyes and dream of all the wonderful Trash that's yet to come.
- [to the camera]
- Oscar the Grouch: You too. There'll be more Trash tomorrow.
- Oscar the Grouch: [Referring to Slimy's book The Adventures of Trash Gordon] He loves reading Trash.
- Slimey the Worm: [after reading Trash Gordon] More! More! More!
- Oscar the Grouch: No, no more, Slimey. That was alot of excitement for a little worm. You get some rest and we'll read some more tomorrow.
- [to the camera]
- Oscar the Grouch: You're still here? Hey, why don't you go read a book or something?
- Kermit the Frog: [trying to come up with rhyming song lyrics] Here, try this. Mary had a little canary. It was bluer than the sky. And every where that Mary went, the canary was sure to fly.
- Don Music: [shouts] But canaries aren't blue!
- Kermit the Frog: Jeesh!
- Don Music: I'll never get it! Never! You won't help! Oh!
- [bangs his head against the piano]
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, you'll hurt yourself in the head, there, Don.
- Oscar the Grouch: [Oscar has just broken his arm in an accident during a mud road race in his can. He comes up cradling his arm, and one of the humans there suggested taking him to the hospital] Hospital? You want to take me to the hospital? With all those clean white sheets, and those nice clean nurses and doctors?
- [Pounds his hurt arm on the side of the can in frustration, yelling]
- Oscar the Grouch: I don't want to go... Ow! Ow! Ow!
- [Stops and cradles the arm again. Quietly, beat]
- Oscar the Grouch: Take me to the hospital.
- Ernie: [Ernie is having Bert's head traced on the screen, unbeknownst to Bert who can't move and doesn't understand why] Okay, here is Bert's eye.
- [His left eye is traced]
- Ernie: And here is Bert's other eye.
- [His other eye is traced]
- Ernie: And the eyes are what you see with, right Bert?
- [Bert starts to say something, but is cut off immediately by Ernie]
- Ernie: Don't say anything, Bert.
- Big Bird: [singing] ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. I wish I knew exactly what I mean. It starts out like an A word, as anyone can see. But somewhere in the middle, it gets awful "QR" to me. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. If I ever find out just what this word can mean, I'll be the smartest bird the world has ever seen.
- [repeated line]
- Count von Count: Greetings! I am the Count. They call me the Count because I love to count things.
- Oscar the Grouch: [as the gang is visiting Puerto Rico, Oscar is walking around asking various different natives one specific question, and appears not to be getting anywhere with it. He comes across Maria with a group of kids and adults, and asks her] Maria, could you tell me how to say 'no' in Spanish?
- Maria Figueroa Rodriguez: No.
- Oscar the Grouch: [Yelling in desperation] Can't anybody tell me how to say 'no' in Spanish?
- Everybody: [Loud enough to scare him into hiding] NO!
- Maria Figueroa Rodriguez: [Calmly as he reappears] Oscar, the way you say 'no' in Spanish is 'no'.
- Cookie Monster: What a dream! Oh, Very sad!
- [as he was going to eat a cookie]
- Cookie Monster: . OH! NO, NO, NO, NO! Never eat cookies again. NO! From now on, Me eat carrots. Yeah!
- [Eats carrots]
- Cookie Monster: , And fish
- [Eats fish]
- Cookie Monster: , And whole wheat bread
- [Eats bread]
- Cookie Monster: , And NO! NO! Cookies! Sorry, Cookie. Me cannot eat you ever... Say you talking, Cookie?... You crying, Cookie?... Hmmm
- [Eats the cookie]
- Cookie Monster: Well, Maybe sometime a cookie.
- Kermit the Frog: [trying to come up with a rhyming song lyrics] Mary had a bicycle. It was painted red as fire. And whenever Mary wanted to take a ride, The bicycle had a flat tire.
- Don Music: I like it!
- [shouting for joy]
- Don Music: I LIKE IT! Oh, that's great! You have the biggest talent of writing songs. This could be my biggest hit. Would you like to hear it?
- Kermit the Frog: Certainly, I would be an honor.
- Don Music: Okay, Fine.
- Kermit the Frog: [to the viewers] Ladies and Gentlemen, Live and in person, Here is Don Music doing his new hit song!
- The Announcer #2: The contestant who cries the hardest will win an official Sonny Friendly Teddy Bear
- [Shows the teddy bear that has Sonny Friendly's hair and teeth]
- Sonny Friendly #2: Wait, THAT'S THE GRAND PRIZE!
- The Announcer #2: Yes, And I believe Ida Nomer cried the hardest and is the winner.
- Ida Nomer: Oh for joy...
- Sonny Friendly #2: But, But
- [Runs into the camera]
- Sonny Friendly #2: I LOVE MY TEDDY BEAR, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
- [Sobs loudly]
- The Announcer #2: Sonny Friendly, You cried even harder than Ida Nomer, You won the grand prize!
- [Fanfare plays]
- Sonny Friendly #2: WHAT! I WON? Ah, For joys. This is the happiest day of the life. Now, Let's give some consolation prize for our runner's up.
- The Announcer #2: Sorry, There is no consolation prize.
- Luke Warm: WHAT? No consolation prizes?
- [Voice breaks down]
- Luke Warm: This is awful.
- Ida Nomer: [Sobbing] IT'S NOT FAIR!
- Pierre Blue: [Voice breaksdown] This is so, sad!
- Sonny Friendly #2: [while holding his Teddy Bear and leaving the poor contestants sobbing in failure as he holds] Well, I guess we all can't be winners, huh?
- [laughs]
- Sonny Friendly #2: [to the audience] Well, This is Sonny Friendly saying we will see you again next on ''The Crying Game Show''
- [to the Teddy Bear]
- Sonny Friendly #2: Oh, Teddy, I am so glad to have you back.
- [Kisses his teddy bear]
- Sonny Friendly #2: Are you glad to see me again?
- [to the audience]
- Sonny Friendly #2: Thank you, Audience. You were a great crowd.
- Mrs. Snuffleupagus: Good bye, Mr. Handford.
- Mr. Handford: Uh, good bye, Mrs. Snuffleupagus.
- Snuffy: Good bye, Mr. Handford!
- Mr. Handford: Ah, good bye, Snuffy.
- Alice Snuffleupagus: Bye, Mr. Hand Foot.
- Mr. Handford: Good bye, Alice.
- [she giggles]
- Mr. Handford: [to the camera] Whew. Now, there go a lot of snuffleupaguses.
- Bert: Hey, Ernie, Ernie! Oh, Ernie, oh, Ernie! It's terrible. It's just awful what just happened to me.
- Ernie: Well, what's the matter, Bert?
- Bert: Oh, see, I was - I was in the kitchen making some bacon...
- Ernie: Yeah...
- Bert: And this monster appeared. This huge monster appeared.
- [we Cookie Monster right by Ernie's side]
- Ernie: A monster?
- Bert: And, he ate all my bacon. Every strip of my bacon he ate. Oh, it's awful.
- [Cookie Monster ducks off-screen]
- Ernie: Oh, th-th-that's terrible, Bert.
- Bert: Yeah.
- Ernie: I mean, we just can't sit still while a monster comes and eats all your bacon.
- [Cookie Monster reappears eating a letter "X" Ernie's holding]
- Bert: No.
- Ernie: I mean, what are we going to do about it? I mean, it's...
- [they notice Cookie Monster eating the X]
- Ernie: Oh, no! What are you doing, monster? Oh! My very own X! Uh, why do you do that monster?
- Cookie Monster: I always like to eat bacon and X.
- [laughs maniacally, then leaves]
- Ernie: Stupid monster. He doesn't even know that eggs begin with "E."
- Cookie Monster: [as Alistair Cookie, host of Monsterpiece Theater] Good evening and welcome to Monsterpiece Theater. Me, your host, Alistair Cookie. Tonight, Monsterpiece Theater proud to present classic play The Taming of The Shoe by William Shoespeare, famous podiatrist.
- [Points to camera]
- Cookie Monster: Trust me.
- Pat Playjacks: Are you ready to play our game, Count?
- Count von Count: Oh, Yes. Sure thing, Pat.
- Pat Playjacks: What is your guess and how many pig squeals do you think it will be?
- Count von Count: Uh, One squeal, No make it two squeals, No wait, three squeals, No four squeals for five squeals.
- Pat Playjacks: Uh, Count. We can only take one guess.
- Count von Count: One guess, Two guesses, THREE!
- Pat Playjacks: THREE! Is three your guess? Okay, That's your guess. Three pig squeals so give the pig a spin on that turntable.
- The Monster Cookie: KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF, PAL!
- Cookie Monster: [Shocks and surprised] Uh, Uh, Cookie Talked!
- The Monster Cookie: Me not cookie, Me monster.
- Cookie Monster: Why, me too. Me, Cookie Monster.
- The Monster Cookie: Me, Monster Cookie.