- Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!
- Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
- Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!
- Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!
- Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!
- [about Felix]
- Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
- Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...
- Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.
- Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
- Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
- Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
- [Felix laughs]
- Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?
- Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.
- [Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]
- Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.
- Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
- Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.
- Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
- Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
- Murray: I get a Pepsi.
- Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
- Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
- Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
- Murray: What do you got?
- Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
- Murray: What's the green?
- Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
- Murray: I'll take the brown.
- [Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
- Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
- Murray: I'm hungry!
- Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
- Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
- Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
- Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!
- Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!
- Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
- Murray: You didn't.
- Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
- Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
- Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
- Vinnie: What Buffet?
- [they all chime in]
- Vinnie: What buffet?
- Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
- Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
- Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
- Roy: They can do it, you know.
- Oscar Madison: Do what?
- Roy: Throw you in jail.
- Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
- Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?
- Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
- Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
- Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
- Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?
- Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.
- Roy: But you always lose.
- Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.
- Roy: Then don't play poker.
- Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
- [grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
- Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
- Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
- [an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
- Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
- [the bickering continues]
- Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
- [they all quiet down]
- Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
- Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
- Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
- Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!
- Felix Ungar: Take what back?
- Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
- Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
- Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!
- Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
- Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
- Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
- Roy: He could jump!
- Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
- Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
- Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
- Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
- [they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
- Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
- Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
- Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
- [about how tense Felix is]
- Oscar Madison: Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.
- Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
- Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
- Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
- [smells his cards]
- Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
- [gets up from the table]
- Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
- Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
- Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
- [leaves]
- Felix Ungar: I was just repeating what I thought you said.
- Oscar Madison: Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!
- Oscar Madison: [Felix is making weird noises in the diner] Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?
- Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!
- [the other customers look at him strangely]
- Oscar Madison: Did it open up?
- Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
- [first lines]
- Felix Ungar: A room, please.
- Hotel clerk: You alone?
- [Felix nods]
- Hotel clerk: Luggage?
- [Felix shakes his head]
- Hotel clerk: How long do you want it for?
- Felix Ungar: Oh, not very long.
- Hotel clerk: Five dollars.
- [Felix isn't paying attention]
- Hotel clerk: Five dollars!
- [Felix hands him a five-dollar bill. The clerk looks it over and goes to fetch a key]
- Hotel clerk: 307.
- Felix Ungar: Uh, have you got anything, uh, higher?
- Hotel clerk: Higher?
- [Felix nods, the clerk takes the key, goes back and checks]
- Hotel clerk: 914?
- [Felix nods and accepts the key]
- [last lines]
- Oscar Madison: Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?
- Felix Ungar: Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.
- [leaves]
- Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.
- [sits down at the poker table]
- Oscar Madison: Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?
- Roy: [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!
- Oscar Madison: Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.
- Felix Ungar: You don't understand. I'm nothing without my wife and kids. I'm nothing!
- Oscar Madison: You're not nothing. You're something. You're a person. You're flesh and blood, bones, hair, nails and ears. You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you! You walk, and talk, and cry, and complain, and eat little green pills, and send suicide telegrams. No one else does that, Felix, no one! I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world!
- Oscar Madison: [to Felix, after he's said all he has to say] Now, I'm gonna tell you off. For six months I've lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight big rooms. I was dejected, despondant, and disgusted. And then you moved in. My closest and dearest friend.
- [Starting to cry]
- Oscar Madison: And after three weeks of close personal contact, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Do me a favor, will you Felix? Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, your meat thermometer. When you want to come out just ring a bell, and I'll run into the bedroom.
- [about to break down]
- Oscar Madison: I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend. Stay out of my way.
- Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
- Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?
- Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
- Vinnie: Let what be on your head?
- Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
- Speed: He's out there somewhere.
- Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
- Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
- Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
- Roy: Us?
- Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
- Vinnie: What?
- Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
- Oscar Madison: You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?
- Felix Ungar: We are what we are.
- Oscar Madison: Can't you keep it warm?
- Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?
- Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.
- Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?
- Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?
- Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
- Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.
- Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.
- [stares at him for a moment]
- Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!
- Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...
- Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came here and showed it to you.
- Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.
- Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!
- Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?
- Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.
- Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.
- Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!
- [Felix grabs up a cup to throw it at the wall, but relents]
- Oscar Madison: Why didn't you throw it?
- Felix Ungar: I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.
- Oscar Madison: Then why don't you throw the cup?
- Felix Ungar: I'm trying to control myself.
- Oscar Madison: Why are you trying to control yourself?
- Felix Ungar: What do you mean? Why?
- Oscar Madison: You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?
- Felix Ungar: Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup.
- Oscar Madison: Where are you going?
- Felix Ungar: To the john.
- Oscar Madison: Alone?
- Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?
- Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?
- Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.
- Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...
- Roy: Thank you.
- Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?
- Roy: My what?
- Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.
- Roy: I think I bet it.
- Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.
- Felix Ungar: Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...
- Speed: Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.
- Felix Ungar: I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.
- Oscar Madison: [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.
- Felix Ungar: They leave little rings on the table!
- Oscar Madison: [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.
- Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
- Roy: What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?
- Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
- Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
- Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
- Felix Ungar: [in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher] I'd like, uh, fresh ground.
- Butcher: [pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand] That's fresh.
- Felix Ungar: That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.
- Butcher: How much?
- Felix Ungar: Four pounds. Exactly.
- [the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger]
- Cecily Pigeon: I'm divorced. Well, technically I'm a widow. I was getting divorced but he died before the final papers came through...
- Oscar Madison: [Felix has been shoved into the shower and the water turned on full blast after revealing he swallowed a bottle of pills] We've got to get the pills out!
- Felix Ungar: [turns the shower off] The pills are out! I threw up before!
- Sports Writer: Well, that's the ballgame.
- Oscar Madison: It's not over yet.
- Sports Writer: Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?
- Oscar Madison: What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?
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