Carry on Up the Khyber (1968)

Joan Sims: Lady Ruff-Diamond

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [brushing off a collapsed ceiling]  Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!

• Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Tell Major Shorthouse to call me an elephant.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : He needn't bother I'll do it. You're an elephant!

• Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [watching polo game]  Ooh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one, did he not?

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole

• The Khasi of Kalabar : [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph]  I must take that with me now.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Then take me with it.

  The Khasi of Kalabar : But what about your husband?

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh, we don't want him!

  The Khasi of Kalabar : Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh, of course.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [tearful]  My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!

  The Khasi of Kalabar : Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [happy]  Oh well, that's all right then, innit!

• Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : He'd like to massacre me and every other Britisher in India.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Well, then, what do you keep smiling at him like that for?

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Because as a top-rank British diplomatist, I'm as two-faced as he is.

• Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : I wouldn't trust him an inch.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Ooh, neither would I.

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : I didn't mean that.

• The Khasi of Kalabar : Dear Lady, I do not make love.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : You don't?

  The Khasi of Kalabar : No, I am extremely rich, I have servants to do everything for me.

• The Khasi of Kalabar : You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Ooh, that might be interesting for a start.

• [the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked] 

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?

  Captain Keene : I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.

  Missionary : Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Ginger!

  Missionary : Who is?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : He is. Ginger, my mate.

  Sergeant-Major MacNutt : Private Hale ?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.

  Private Ginger Hale : Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Ginge, mate! How do you feel?

  Private Ginger Hale : Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Only here and there.

  Private Ginger Hale : Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Of course not, Ginge mate.

  Private Ginger Hale : Eh?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."

  Private Ginger Hale : I'm not going to be all right?

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.

  Private Ginger Hale : You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.

  Private Jimmy Widdle : What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.

  Private Ginger Hale : Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!

  Sergeant-Major MacNutt : That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?

  Private Ginger Hale : They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them.

  [He belches] 

  Private Ginger Hale : Burpas! They... they... oooh!

  [Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly] 

  Private Jimmy Widdle : Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!

  [Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off] 

  Private Ginger Hale : That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!

• Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : We used to know a missionary fella when we were in the Solomon Islands. Do you remember, dear?

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh, yes, a splendid man. He went down very well with the natives.

  Missionary : Did he?

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Yeah, they ate him.

• Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : I've got something very important to do.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : What?

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : I've got to go to the Khasi.

  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Well you should have gone before Tiffin you know it's very bad for...

  Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : The Khasi of Kalabar.