- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: May I present the Platypi: Jacques Stewart the 5th, Carlton Taylor the 4th, Sandy Whitehead the 3rd, Tucky Morgan the 5th, Woody Van Alstyne the 4th and Bonnie Merrick.
- Juliet Nowell: What? No number?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Old family, new first name.
- Mr. Nowell: All that bothers me is why they're paying you twice the going rate.
- Juliet Nowell: Ah hah, it doesn't bother me. If Miss Woodworth is all that rich, why should I care?
- Mr. Nowell: No, Juliet. The rich don't get rich or stay rich by overpaying or over-tipping or remembering the doorman's birthday.
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, my! I mean, hi.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Good evening.
- Juliet Nowell: I didn't mean to sound so startled. It's just that I've never seen a butler in full reg before. Are there many of you left?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: We're - getting scarce. Like so many things, such as good manners.
- [first lines]
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [to the camera] Once upon a time, the very privileged lived the way we still do, in quiet luxury, elegance, grace. It's an almost vanished way of life. Not easy to hold onto... and terribly expensive to maintain.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: You wanted anything, Miss Vicki?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: You might pick up one or two African safari tents when you can.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: African safari tents, yes, ma'am.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Yes. So the boys can campout. It'll toughen them up for the dangers that lie ahead: college, marriage, Wall Street.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Or, Altman's during the holiday season.
- Juliet Nowell: My name is Juliet Nowell. My father's an assistant professor of Medieval English at Colombia University, where I'm doing graduate work in American History. I have a BA from Smith. I'm a good typist, a - fair stenographer. And I'd like a part time job because I want to buy a car and go for rides in the country.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: The man's an absolute marvel! He's the 13th Fitzwilliam in row to be a butler. Now, what do think of that?
- Juliet Nowell: I think it shows a lack of progress.
- Mr. Nowell: She loves me!
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, father, you always think waitresses love you - and they always do.
- Grimsby: Fitzwilly, when old Mr. Woodworth died, there wasn't a penny and you started all this. It was Miss Vicki and I understood. But, it's different now. You're robbing Altman's and Jensen's and lord knows who else; because, you enjoy it.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: It's just - I'm so *good* at it.
- Juliet Nowell: Platypi? As in many platypuses?
- Kid: We are the platypus troop. A manly and virtuous group. Opposed to almost every sin. We hate reefers, girls and gin. That's from our troop song.
- Juliet Nowell: You're a remarkable man, Mr. Fitzwilliam. Now that I'm ready to take you off my list of villains, I don't know quite where to put you?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Well, you'll have to start a new list: Butlers I have known.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Anyway, we could use some fresh ideas around here.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: And Miss Nowell struck you as teeming with great thoughts?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: She didn't like you either, Fitzwilly.
- Charles: She can do a lot of prowling in a week.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: There are 12 of us, Charles, and only one of her. Now it shouldn't be too difficult to see that she doesn't get lonesome.
- Buckmaster: But don't worry, Albert, he knows what he's doing. Look around you, huh. A mind responsible for all this doesn't make mistakes.
- Albert: Only God doesn't make mistakes, Mr. Buckmaster.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Oh, no. Anything you're devious enough to dream up, I might be devious enough to do.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: All right, Albert, off to Philadelphia. My regards to Uncle Buckmaster, of course, and, uh, don't forget to reimburse yourself for the gin rummy game.
- Albert: I'd rather take the loss, sir, as punishment for gambling.
- Juliet Nowell: No wonder you're so fond of him.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: I'm not fond of Fitzwilly, I love him. So will you, when you get to know him better.
- Juliet Nowell: Don't start telling me a lot of buttery, butlery lies; because, there's something I'd like to tell you. Whatever you're up to with that wonderful old lady, you oughta be ashamed of yourself!
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Fitzwilly graduated summa cum laude from Williams.
- Juliet Nowell: Well, then there's no excuse for his being a butler!
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Does he need one?
- Juliet Nowell: Well, when there're so many wonderful things to do today, like joining the Peace Corps. Now, why would an intelligent man want to stay in a job that offers no risks, no challenges, no excitement?
- Juliet Nowell: Can't we start sending some of this around to publishers? Just to get a reaction.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: We'll see what Fitzwilly thinks. After all, it was his idea.
- Juliet Nowell: A dictionary was his idea too?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Yes. He thought I needed a new interest in life after father died; because, hating father had been my chief interest up to then and I was lost without it. Anyway, Fitzwilly kept nagging me about everything, from ant collecting to Zen Buddhism, till he hit on the dictionary. And that got me interested in all sorts of things; such as, living to be 100.
- Juliet Nowell: Fitzwilly, you may not be a stinker; but, *boy*, it sure worked out just as if you were.
- Motorcycle Cop: Now, wait just a minute folks!
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: I told you to be quiet officer and I loath being called "folks".
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [kisses Juliet] Good night, darling.
- [spanks Juliet on the behind as she turns and walks away]
- Juliet Nowell: Ooo! Wow! Sometimes you act just like a - butler!
- [smiles]
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: You must have forgotten. I've already hired you a secretary. She's due next week.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Do you mean Jane Fairchild, the Vanderbilt butler's niece? She's got pink eyelids - like a bunny.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I also find her wonderful and can deny her nothing. Even a secretary who obviously will be idiotic, interfering, and ill-kept.
- Juliet Nowell: Ill-kept?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: As you say.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I am a butler, not, Jack the Ripper.
- Juliet Nowell: Why so sunny friend? When did peace breakout?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: There was never war.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: This one will be alright.
- Albert: That's a brand new one. It's much too stiff for a young lady!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Oh, well, this young lady weighs 180, has a touch like a truck driver, and would slaughter me if I took her a piano that had been used by anyone!
- Juliet Nowell: Well, we got through the Ps and well into the Qs. It gave us both a real sense of accomplishment. What did you do all day?
- Mr. Nowell: Maybe he's got a hobby that fulfills him - like stamp collecting.
- Juliet Nowell: He gives away bibles.
- Mr. Nowell: He gives away what?
- Juliet Nowell: Bibles! Miss Vicki told me. He picks out names from the obituary columns and he sends out bibles to the relatives. Writes a letter of comfort to go with each one.
- Mr. Nowell: I guess you could call that a hobby.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Grimsby, you're getting very cranky.
- Grimsby: I know. I've noticed. But, all the same, Mr. Nelson from the Old Sailors' Home will be here in a minute. You'd better come and powder your nose.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: In the interest of better communication, perhaps we should adopt a common language.
- Juliet Nowell: Such as English, which I speak like a native.
- Restaurant Owner: We'll oblige a good lookin' doll. Come on, I'll give you the best table in the joint. The one that doesn't wobble.
- Restaurant Owner: How would you like some wine? I gotta Château Margaux I don't believe!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Sold.
- Juliet Nowell: Fitzwilly, you're nice.
- [kiss]
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, could you do that again?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: No, I can't! This is terrible!
- Juliet Nowell: What's so terrible? We're both free and over 21, aren't we?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I'm not your social equal.
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, come on. Don't be so silly!
- Restaurant Owner: Call me when you're finished fightin'.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I'm - finished.
- Juliet Nowell: I'm not!
- Juliet Nowell: [holds her hand out to shake hands] Well, goodbye.
- [Fitzwilly leans in for a long kiss]
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, that was outrageous!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Alright, good luck, good night, and my apologies to those of you who do Newark.
- Motorcycle Cop: Say, who do you folks think you are? Where do you get off thinking you can jazz along here at 90 miles an hour? Or, that I got the time to stand here and listen to your kookie talk, huh?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [on the phone] Your silverware, glassware and chinaware went out today. Plus, four TV sets. Of course, color TV!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Juliet, Juliet, my love, do you think you could sit still for one last caper?
- Juliet Nowell: When's all this going to take place?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: On the night before Christmas, When all through New York, Large lumps of money, Are bouncing like cork.
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