- Hertz Commercial Man: [after finally being lowered into convertible] Man, that's *real* coffee!
- [in tears]
- Hertz Commercial Man: Oh, noooo!
- The Hi-Lo's: [words sung for the Hertz commercial] Let Hertz put you in the drivers seat. Let Hertz take you anywhere at all. By the hour, by the day, by the week or any way, let Hertz put you in the drivers seat... today!
- Sam Bissell: He took a shower?
- Minerva Bissell: Well, of course. Didn't you take a shower at Janet's?
- Sam Bissell: No, I didn't take a shower at Jan... What do you think I am? Some kind of a sex maniac?
- Mr. Burke: [pitching an ad campaign] "For The Masculine Way Of Life - Nurdlinger Eggs" The gentlemen has it at just the right curve. We imply it without actually hitting them over the head with it. You see, Mr. Nurdlinger, what we're gearing up to here is to touch that psychological nerve in all men. The symbol of masculinity and fertility: the egg!
- Simon Nurdlinger: I don't pretend to know anything about advertising; but, what I can do is to give you a true picture of what our company stands for. We are plain, everyday people dealing in a plain, clean, everyday product. We deal in chickens, eggs and milk. Simplicity, purity, truth.
- Janet Lagerlof: I tell you something, Min. Every girl should be married to Howard Ebbet at least once. It is like hitting your head against the wall - it feels so good when it stops. Leaving him was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. It absolutely restored my faith in divorce!
- Simon Nurdlinger: You know, a man needs a foundation on which to build an immaculate life. Mrs. Nurdlinger and I, we detest the philanderer and the infidelity which some men live by.
- Janet Lagerlof: Oh, yes, so it is with Sam and I.
- Simon Nurdlinger: You wouldn't believe some of the degenerate pursuits of some of the people in our society. But God will deal with the whoremonger and the profited. Their days are numbered. Isaiah, verse six.
- Janet Lagerlof: Amen.
- Howard Ebbets: Those are my pajamas.
- Janet Lagerlof: Yes.
- Howard Ebbets: Why those are the pajamas you bought me the weekend we drove to Carmel. And now you've given them to this gigolo?
- Janet Lagerlof: Oh! Don't get all sentimental over a pair of pajamas!
- Minerva Bissell: Isn't it wonderful. Sam is so clever with his hands. I just love it. Sam, it's a new work of art.
- Edna: I don't know a thing about art. I just know what I don't like.
- Sam Bissell: Do you realize I've been in the same traffic jam, going to the same job, everyday for six years and so have they. Everyday all husbands, we get up and we take the same road into the same job - we even dress alike! We put on a gray suit and a hat and a buttoned-down shirt and the - like sheep!
- Mr. Burke: Well, sir, what do you think?
- Simon Nurdlinger: You want to know what I think?
- Mr. Burke: Yes.
- Simon Nurdlinger: I think it's an abomination! Pure filth! I'm not a prudish man, sir; but, I believe the Almighty gave us good, clean married conjugal for the purpose of raising families - not to sell eggs with. Dirty, salacious ads! Unchastity! Venery! Wenching! Flesh and blood. Is that the image you have of my company?
- Simon Nurdlinger: I tell you what I think of you. I think you're all rotten to the core and I think I've chosen the wrong advertising agency.
- Mr. Burke: Just a minute, Mr. Nurdlinger. We are all good, clean family men here.
- Simon Nurdlinger: Now, don't try to fool me, sir. I'm an old man; but, I'm nobody's fool, sir. Good, clean, living family men? Miss Halverson.
- [she hands him a set of files]
- Simon Nurdlinger: I've run checks on you good, clean, living family men. There are dossiers on each of you.
- Janet Lagerlof: Remember what I always said in school? There are some girls born to be single. Well, I'm one of them. I just love being free! Not that marriage isn't good for other girls. It obviously agrees with you, Min. You know, I expected you to look all married and plump and I don't now. You're divine!
- Janet Lagerlof: [Looking for his wife, Sam interrupts Janet in a steamy shower] You must be Sam! I'm Min's friend, Janet. Janet Lagerlof.
- Sam Bissell: How do you do, Mrs. Lagerlof?
- Janet Lagerlof: How do you do? I mean, I mean, Lagerlof is only my, my maiden name. Until my divorce is final, I am still Mrs. Howard Ebbets.
- Sam Bissell: Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Ebbets?
- Janet Lagerlof: How do you do? Nice to see you!
- Sam Bissell: Nice to - see you. Well, look, I don't want to disturb your shower. Can I get you anything? Soap or...
- Janet Lagerlof: No, no. Thank you. I have everything.
- Sam Bissell: Make yourself at home.
- Sam Bissell: Good, clean-living, family type men, don't go around making love with their next door neighbors on the street corners.
- Minerva Bissell: Wait a minute. Of course! There's a very simple way to get Sam across to your house without being seen.
- Sam Bissell: Well, what are you going to do? Shoot me out of a cannon, dear?
- Minerva Bissell: Don't be silly, dear. We don't even have a cannon.
- Janet Lagerlof: Sam, I really hate to impose on you, but, could you - please stay tonight, with me, here?
- Sam Bissell: Yeah, I guess I better.
- Janet Lagerlof: Thank you. You're a darling. Now, let's see. It won't be dark for a couple of hours. What'll we do? We'll have to kill some time. What do you usually do when you come home from work?
- Sam Bissell: Well, Min usually makes me a martini.
- Janet Lagerlof: Alright. I'll make you a martini. Get comfortable.
- Minerva Bissell: Now, if that man shows up tonight, be careful. Don't fight him.
- Sam Bissell: No, don't worry. I'm not afraid of him.
- Minerva Bissell: I know. But, just be careful.
- [kiss]
- Sam Bissell: Good night, love.
- Minerva Bissell: Now, isn't this awful. Here I am kissing you good night and you're going across to spend the night with another woman. A very attractive woman. Be careful!
- Sam Bissell: I told you, I'm not afraid of him.
- Minerva Bissell: I don't mean him, I mean her!
- Janet Lagerlof: How dare you! Apologize this instant!
- Howard Ebbets: Apologize?
- Janet Lagerlof: Yes!
- Howard Ebbets: I come here in the middle of the night to find some ape in fluorescent pajamas with my wife in a nightgown!
- Janet Lagerlof: Of course, I'm in a nightgown. What else would I be wearing in the middle of the night?
- Sam Bissell: Don't call my wife a snoop!
- Howard Ebbets: Your wife?
- Janet Lagerlof: Yes, his wife. She's also my best friend. And she kindly loaned me the use of her husband.
- Howard Ebbets: You know, some of the happiest days of my life were spent fighting with that little girl.
- Sam Bissell: Oh, it's ridiculous. Why am I worried about a - madman like that. I know the story. It's typical. Typical. He just took advantage of you. You know, the smooth dancer, the fancy dresser, you were young and naive, and you thought he was a swell fella because he never made a pass at you and then you marry him and you find out why. Mama's boy. A pretty Mama's boy are all wind up and no pitch, as we used to say. It's a sad facet of American life.
- Janet Lagerlof: Oh, no. He wasn't a Mama's boy. He was quite the contrary.
- Howard Ebbets: Do you have any mambo records?
- Minerva Bissell: And cha-cha!
- Howard Ebbets: Oh, cha-cha too! That's great!
- Minerva Bissell: Howie and I are gonna play cards. He's really a lot of fun, Sam.
- Sam Bissell: I bet. What kind of cards?
- Minerva Bissell: Honeymoon bridge.
- Howard Ebbets: [to Minerva] Say, listen, Minzie, you know, honey, we never would have made this hand if he hadn't made the wrong discard.
- Sam Bissell: Yes, you said that before, didn't you.
- Sam Bissell: Has he made a pass at you yet? Well, has he or hasn't he? Well, don't just give me a look. It's not such a ridiculous question! For your information, he is known to be highly oversexed!
- Minerva Bissell: Now?
- Sam Bissell: Well, I don't say he takes ads; but, his own wife told me and it made me sick when she did! He's disgusting. Can you imagine what it must be like to be married to a man like that? She's sexually normal.
- Minerva Bissell: Oh?
- Minerva Bissell: You know what I miss the most?
- Sam Bissell: What?
- Minerva Bissell: My feet get so cold.
- Reinhold Shiffner: It's the same old story. The wandering husband, bored with his brunette wife, sneaks over to pay a little visit to the hot looking blonde cookie next door. Oooo! Oooo! You probably have been doin' it for months!
- Janet Lagerlof: How dare you talk to me in that tone of voice. Just get out of here! That's all!
- Howard Ebbets: Now, don't you worry. I'm getting out; but not before I give you something you've had coming to you for a long time. A good, swift kick in the hind end!
- Howard Ebbets: Hey, Goofy. I love you. You know, it's taken me all these months to realize how much. What do you say we try it again, huh?
- Minerva Bissell: Of all the silly things for me to do. After being married to you all these years. I couldn't walk out on you, my baby. I'm so used to your silly face, your goofy ways.
- [last lines]
- Denise Bissell: Did you know that Grandma takes her teeth out before she goes to bed, Daddy? Could I please take my teeth out when I get bigger? Please, Daddy?
- Sam Bissell: [to Minerva] Yes. Things are back to normal.
- Sam Bissell: [to Min, as the belly dancer dances at their table] I think we should go out more often.
- Mr. Burke: There must be someone in this whole, vast organization who can pass moral muster. A good husband, a good neighbor, a normal, everyday family man.
- Mrs. Nurdlinger: My woman's club is starting a purge on the evil, obscene publications which litter our libraries and our newsstands. I'd love to have Mrs. Bissell join us next Thursday for our weekly book burning, if she's free.