- Alice Fisher: If you're in any more trouble, Billy, it's not something you can leave behind you, you know. You put it in your suitcase, and you take it with you.
- Billy Fisher: [voice over] Today's a day of big decisions - going to start writing me novel - two thousand words every day, going to start getting up in the morning.
- Billy Fisher: [continued voice over as he looks at his overgrown thumb nail] I'll cut that for a start. Yes... today's a day of big decisions.
- Billy Fisher: [wearing a monocle and speaking in a posh voice] Cabinet change imminent I see.
- Geoffrey Fisher: You'll be bloody imminent if you don't start getting up in the morning.
- Billy Fisher: [to Liz] I have a sort of... well, it's an imaginary country where I go. I'm supposed to be the prime minister and you're the foreign secretary. It will be a big room, and when we go in it through the door, that's it. That's our country. Nobody else will be allowed in at all.
- Billy Fisher: [voice over in his daydream] It was a big for us, we had won the war in Ambrosia. Democracy was back once more in our beloved country.
- Emanuel Shadrack: So that's your ambition, is it? Scriptwriting?
- Billy Fisher: Oh, yes, it always has been.
- Emanuel Shadrack: Do you get a salary each week then, or do you get paid by the joke?
- Rita: [after Billy reopens the door] You rotten. lying, crossed-eyed git. You're nothing else.
- Billy Fisher: [clearly not wanting her to come inside] Hello, Rita. Sorry, I can't ask you in. We're havin' our chimney swept.
- Rita: They'll be havin' you swept before I finish.
- Grandma Florence: That was a blackie postman just went past the window. Ee, they're all darkies now. There's blackie bus conductors and blackie nurses. They can't get work, you know, in South Africa. Ee!
- Geoffrey Fisher: You've start coming in at night, I'm not having you gallivanting about all hours!
- Billy Fisher: Who are you having gallivanting about, then?
- Arthur Crabtree: Hey, I got those things for you.
- Billy Fisher: What? What things?
- Arthur Crabtree: Passion pills - what I said I'd get you.
- Billy Fisher: Let's have a look. Where'd you get them?
- Arthur Crabtree: This mate of mine fetched them from Singapore.
- Billy Fisher: I bet they're bloody aspirins.
- Arthur Crabtree: What?
- Billy Fisher: [swallowing some] Eh, steady on! They'll give yuh the screamin' abdabs. One of these, two two-and-nines at the Regal, bag of chips and you're away!
- Billy Fisher: You want to tell whoever saw me to mind their own fizzing business.
- Alice Fisher: It is our business, and don't you be so cheeky.
- Billy Fisher: Boon, Danny Boon, the television comedian. He's in town today opening the new supermarkets. I sent him some of me scripts. He's read 'em. He's read 'em and he likes 'em. Sent me this letter. Look. He's offered me a job in London. Scriptwriting. He likes my material.
- Alice Fisher: How do you mean, he likes your material?
- Alice Fisher: You'll have to stop making things up, Billy. There's no sense in it at your age. We never know where we are with you. I mean, you're too old for things like that now. I don't know what we're going to do with you.
- Billy Fisher: Look. Do you want to know or don't you? Because if you want to know, I'll tell you, and if you don't want to know, I'll shut up.
- Billy Fisher: I've got something unpleasant to say to our Mr. Shadrack today.
- Arthur Crabtree: You've got something unpleasant to say to our Mr. Shadrack today?
- Billy Fisher: Anything I say would be unpleasant.
- Arthur Crabtree: Kindly leave the undertakers.
- Alice Fisher: You've never done that sort of thing before. You can't switch and change and swap about just when you feel like it.
- Arthur Crabtree: I can't keep up with your rotten sex life, mate. You know what's going to happen to you, don't you? You're going to be up for bigamy.
- Emanuel Shadrack: [holding up a model coffin] By the time we're burying you, you'll be going off in one of these. Plastic. Did you know that? Yes, you see, people don't realize. It's all clean lines nowadays. All these frills and fancies are going out. It's all old. Same as I tell Councillor Duxbury. You've got to move with the times. No use living in one style and dying in another, is it?
- Arthur Crabtree: Hey. I say, is that that bird?
- Billy Fisher: What bird?
- Arthur Crabtree: There. Getting a lift in that lorry. That bird that wanted you to go to France with her.
- Billy Fisher: Do you mean Liz?
- Arthur Crabtree: Yes, where's she been this time, then?
- Billy Fisher: I don't know. She goes where she feels like. She's crazy. She just enjoys herself.
- Danny Boon: Could I have a pretty girl from the audience to come up here and help me cut the tape, eh? Any pretty girl? Oh, we have got a lot to choose from, haven't we?
- Danny Boon: [pointing to Liz after spotting her in the crowd] What about you, darling? Yeah, you in the brown. Would you mind coming up here? There's a good girl. A round of applause. Very sporting girl. That's it. What about a kiss to start us off, eh?
- Rita: I'm going to meet your rotten mother, whether you like it or not. I'm going to get me that rotten ring back by this afternoon or I'm coming round to see your rotten mother. And your rotten father. And your rotten grandmother! We're supposed to be engaged, if you did but know it!
- Barbara: Promise me one thing.
- Billy Fisher: That I'll never lie to you again? I'll never lie to you again. Never. I promise.
- Barbara: Billy! Are you feeling all right?
- Billy Fisher: Of course, darling. Why?
- Barbara: Well, look where your hand is.
- Billy Fisher: [removing his hand from Barbara's thigh] Oh. Don't you want me to touch you?
- Barbara: Well, it - seems indecent somehow.
- Billy Fisher: You know you're making me ill, don't you?
- Barbara: Oh, poor pet. Why am I making you ill?
- Billy Fisher: Surely you've heard of, well, of repressions. The nervous reactions of a man who's not...
- Barbara: I know what you mean, pet, but we must be patient. We must! I mean, we'd only regret it.
- Billy Fisher: Well, just have one more energy tablet.
- Duxbury: I went up to the third floor into the soft furnishings department. Oh, Billy, they've got some lovely materials. I saw some lovely stuff for the curtains. Honestly, pet, you'll love it. It's sort of, um, well, a turquoise, really. And it's got lovely little squiggles, sort of, well, like wine glasses.
- Billy Fisher: Oh, yes, very nice, hmm.
- Duxbury: The only trouble is, if we get that yellow carpet, it won't match. Still, that's my department, pet.
- Duxbury: Ah, but they're all coming down, all the old buildings. Trams, they've gone. City centre, that's all new.
- Billy Fisher: Aye, you could get a glass of beer, meat pie, cigarettes, matches and change out of four pence. Aye.
- Geoffrey Fisher: Him and his fountain pens and bloody suede shoes. If he wants to go to London, he can bloody well go!
- Duxbury: What's you got there, then? Crown jewels?
- Billy Fisher: No, gramophone records, LPs.
- Duxbury: There were nowt like that when I were a lad. No record players. We had to make us own music if we wanted it.
- Rita: Oh, I don't know where I am with you, Billy. We're supposed to be engaged if you did but know it!
- Billy Fisher: You said you didn't want to marry me.
- Rita: I did not! I said I wasn't going to live in a rotten cottage in rotten Devon.
- Geoffrey Fisher: Ever since you started work. Grumbling about this. Grumbling about that. If it isn't his boiled egg, it's something else. So what do you do? Buy him special corn flakes.
- Alice Fisher: What if I do?
- Geoffrey Fisher: And why? Because of the bloody plastic submarine in the packet!
- Danny Boon: [signing autographs] What's your name, son?
- Billy Fisher: I'm Billy Fisher.
- Danny Boon: "To Billy". I haven't put "with love". You know, people might get the wrong idea.
- Duxbury: Listen, can you take a bit of advice?
- Billy Fisher: Yes, sir.
- Duxbury: Now, you're a young man. You've got a long way to go; but, you can't do it by yourself. Now, think on.
- Billy Fisher: Where have you been?
- Liz: Here and there.
- Billy Fisher: Up and down.
- Liz: Round and about.
- Billy Fisher: There's been a bit of a mix-up, Rita.
- Rita: Yes, there has. You don't handle the goods unless you intend to buy. Ooh, you're rotten!
- Billy Fisher: I think I owe you a word of explanation.
- Rita: A word of explanation? Well, just get back in the cheese with the other maggots.
- Rita: Oh, get Madam Fancy Knickers! I suppose she's your rotten sister. I thought she was supposed to be in a rotten iron lung!
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