Sex Kittens Go to College (1960)

Mamie Van Doren: Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair

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Quotes 

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : ...which confirms the theory of relativity.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm so far out already, I'm on another planet.

• Dr. Myrtle Carter : It can't be true. Thirteen university degrees never looked like this!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just because the package is different, doesn't indicate the product's change.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Is someone looking for me?

  George Barton : I beg - your pardon.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Beg my pardon? But, you haven't done anything yet. Or, are you the type that apologies first and acts later?

• Dr. Myrtle Carter : We wanted a teacher who could lead our students into the space age.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's no problem, madam. When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously!

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Nothing is impossible in this day and age. Especially me. In fact, I'm one of the most possible people you'll ever meet.

  Dr. Myrtle Carter : But, Dr. West is a genius!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just in somethings.

  George Barton : And you're a - blonde!

• Dr. Myrtle Carter : Now, see what you've done!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Done? I haven't even begun.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, if I could only get you on a couch for a couple of months. I just know we could iron out your problems!

• Woo Woo Grabowski : Where am I?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : In good hands.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [enters a classroom, pulls out two revolvers, starts firing, students duck under their desks, stops firing, blows on the end of both barrels, holsters the guns into her tight skirt]  Good morning, class. You've just seen a demonstration in applied psychology. The psychology of fear.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You and I are going to have a little talk about the facts of life.

  Woo Woo Grabowski : Oh, ma'am.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Now, you mustn't feel shy or self-conscious around me, Woo Woo.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I wish I could give you an hour a day on the couch.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Don't worry. I'll get you over those little inhibitions of yours - if it takes everything I've got.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : May have a definition in simple terms of the fourth dimension.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I can hardly help it if I was born with natural blonde hair and brown eyes and...

  George Barton : A perfect complexion and figure.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's a crime?

  George Barton : Well, let's just say it incites the male to crime.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Professor Watts and Professor Towers - they're even taking me to dinner tonight. We're going to have a faculty meeting in the Passion Pit.

  George Barton : Dr. West, they're married.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm head of the department. We have to get to know one another sometime.

  George Barton : But, in a nightclub?

• Prof. Harvey Watts : We have our own bathysphere down there. Perhaps you'd like to take a plunge with us sometime. We go quite a ways under the sea.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : When I take a plunge, it's never in Atlantic City and rarely under the water.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Chasing me is one thing. But, I assure you I'm one bird you don't catch by putting salt on it's tail.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm not out chasing after men.

  Jody : Oh, well, you sure fix it so they chase after you, though.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I never lead any man on. I've never wanted anyone to be interested in anything but my mind.

  Jody : You make every woman in the world feel - positively *flat*-chested. You're a menace, that's what you are. All I can say is, that if Woo Woo wants a woman with - built in water wings, he's welcome to her!

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Woo Woo is just a case history to me. Don't you understand? I'm a doctor 13 times over. I only look at him medically.

  Jody : Well, that's not the way he looks at you. That's not the way *any* man looks at you.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : My dear, a woman can't help being a woman.

  Jody : Well, you don't have to be so darn *much* of a one. The race isn't dying out! You don't need to push it.

• Prof. Harvey Watts : You're going to love this, my dear. Simple home spun, country fun.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : As long as we don't start ducking for apples. And I draw the line at spin-the-bottle too.

• Prof. Towers : I'm not a patella man myself. Knee caps do very little for me.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Maybe you've never done anything for a knee cap.

  Prof. Towers : Well, I've tried, goodness knows!

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : What do you feel about oral examinations, Professor? Do you find them - exciting?

  Prof. Harvey Watts : Oh, I do, I do. I go to my dentist twice every year without fail.

  [Dr. West rolls her eyes] 

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Come along, Zorch, let's dance.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Where I come from its a gentleman usually asks the lady to dance.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Let's just say Zorch brings out the *beast* in me.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm way out, Daddy-O. I mean this is like the livin' end, man.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Oh, quite a grasp of the vernacular. Tell me, you like this place? The nightclubs, I mean?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Crazy. In fact, before I came here, I considered a place like this was my little home away from home.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Oh?

• Dr. Ernest Zorch : Dr. Carter, she didn't want you to meet the Admiral.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, I'm not good enough to meet that human octopus!

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Perhaps you remember me? My professional name was Monclair.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Monclair?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : *Tassels* Monclair. Sometimes they just billed me as: Tassels.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Tassels?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You know, I used to come out and wiggle my - tassel.

  Wildcat MacPherson : The Tallahassee Torso Tosser!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You're almost on the ball, Daddy-O. The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Is there really a difference?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I tossed tassels in the biggest clubs in the country.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [hypnotizing Wildcat, Zorch, Watts and Towers]  You are going to sleep. You are going to sleep. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel! Watch my tassel! Sleep!

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : What a lovely timepiece, Admiral.

  Wildcat MacPherson : Oh, I have quite a collection. Surprising, isn't it? A rough, tough man like me.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Not at all. One look and I knew you were the kind to make time.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Einstein. Einstein. Einstein. Einstein.

• George Barton : What are you trying to pull?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just a little experiment. If I've got the name, I might as well have the game.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Give me a good roll on those skins, drummer boy. This is war and I'm off to wake up the troops!

  Conway Twitty : Ladies and Gentlemen, The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Hit it, boys.

  [singing] 

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Baby, I'm wild about you, honey, Baby, I can't live without you, Baby, Do I love you? Yes I do, Oh, Daddy, I need your kisses, honey, Badly, I hate to miss 'em, Cause I'm madly, Madly in love with you, Well, every fella's, Got to have a girl, To tease him, Keep his poor heart going, In a whirl! To please him...

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Hey, Daddy-O!

  Conway Twitty : Oh, hi ya, doll. What's the call?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You know "Baby," Daddy-O?

  Conway Twitty : "Baby" - you mean that old country music hymn that come down from the dark ages?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's it, man. Blast it out for me and I'll light up the sky.

  Conway Twitty : What did you say your name was, doll?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Tassels. The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I've always wanted to be a teacher. I think its the noblest profession in the world. That and medicine.

  George Barton : Maybe you should try that.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, I did! But, my anatomy kept getting out of hand. I thought coming here everything would be - different.

  George Barton : You know, you are a bit much for a growing boy to face at 9am every morning.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm afraid, Mr. Barton, I've been wrong.

  George Barton : Well, I've never heard any woman admit that before.

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Mr Barton, do you find me - desirable?

  George Barton : Minus the conga drum - yes!

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's my tragedy, Mr. Barton.

  George Barton : Call me - George.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Even Thinko. When I asked him what he thought. Look.

  [shows George the computer printout] 

  George Barton : "Like wow"?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [Dr. West shakes her head yes]  Oh, I've tried sloppy sweaters, loose girdles, straight hair. Nothing seems to work. I'm still me.

• Legs Raffertino : It's got to be you. We know who you are, Tassels. You're the only one around here with enough brains to run this racket.

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Racket? What racket?

  Legs Raffertino : Don't play it cute, baby. The bookie racket. What else?

• Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I've learned something. Thinko is not meant to be a bookie and I'm not meant to be a professor of science. I must accept myself as I am.

• Dr. Ernest Zorch : Who else has proposed?

  Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Thinko.

  Dr. Ernest Zorch : Thinko? That's impossible. The mechanical differences alone. I know of a secondhand, very cute, little IBM calculating machine in Rochester. Now, they'd work hand in glove. Just fine.