- Amanda Dell: [musical number] No, don't turn TV on. Instead just turn me on. I light up like neon. Just a tiny section of your affection in my direction will do. Ooh.
- Amanda Dell: [jazz number] My name is... Lolita... and uh... I'm not supposed to... play... with boys!
- Amanda Dell: [song] If I invite a boy some night to dine on my fine finnan haddie, I just adore his asking for more but my heart belongs to Daddy.
- Jean-Marc Clement: How do people in show business look?
- Amanda Dell: They don't. I mean, a girl can walk around backstage with nothing on except her good will and nobody'll even turn his head. The same girl, fully dressed, walks down an aisle of clerks in an office - pinched black and blue. What's the matter with you people, anyway?
- Amanda Dell: The least you could have done is tell me who you are!
- Jean-Marc Clement: I did tell you.
- Amanda Dell: How did you expect me to believe it?
- Jean-Marc Clement: Because it was true.
- Amanda Dell: That's no excuse!
- Amanda Dell: Listen. There used to be an actor. He played Abraham Lincoln for so many years - this is true - he grew his own beard. He went around in a shawl and you know what they used to say? 'He looks like Lincoln. He talks like Lincoln. But he won't be satisfied till he gets shot!'
- Jean-Marc Clement: You must be pretty tired. How many times did you go through that dance today?
- Amanda Dell: Oh, I lost count. Matter of fact, sometimes I even trot home afterwards. You sleep better. You ever trot?
- Jean-Marc Clement: I'm just thinking.
- Amanda Dell: About what?
- Jean-Marc Clement: About how happy you are.
- Amanda Dell: Me? Happy?
- Jean-Marc Clement: Mmm-hmm. You seem able to forget yourself. That's the way you dance, and you walk in the street that way, too. You seem at home wherever you are. It must be a great feeling.
- Jean-Marc Clement: You don't hold your liquor very well.
- Alexander Coffman: It's not leaking out any place.
- Milton Berle: Y'know, between comedians and singers, women always go for singers. I know. When I was younger, I appeared in a lot of Broadway shows. Some romantic baritone would come along and the girl would start breathin' hard. Boy, if I had my life to live over again, I'd be a singer.
- Bing Crosby: [moves his hand in a sweeping motion] Ya see, that's showmanship. Keeps her mind off your voice.
- Alexander Coffman: You know, somebody once said that rich people are only poor people with money. Well, he was lying. Rich people aren't people, my friend. Oh, they can be charming, democratic, polite. You can hardly tell them from the human beings sometimes. Just be good and sure you don't cross them.
- Prologue Narrator: Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered. He was a completely dedicated man - interested in balloons of every kind. He died in 1777 leaving well over 300,000 francs. The cause of death was listed as, uh, excessive interest in balloons.
- Jean-Marc Clement: You don't have to worry about the bracelet, though. Just put Vaseline on your wrist every night. Don't skimp. A thick layer of Vaseline.
- Lily Nyles: Vaseline? Why?
- Jean-Marc Clement: It'll keep your wrist from peeling.
- George Welch: Oohh... there'll be children... lots of children. Coffman, there's a bonus in this for you if they get married - and double if there's a baby - a boy.
- Alexander Coffman: I'll do whatever I can, sir.
- [Milton Berle approaches Jean-Marc, acting feminine, comedically]
- Jean-Marc Clement: And fourteen million Americans call you "Uncle?"
- Tony Danton: [song] Oh, the gentle art of conversation is deader than the dead sea scrolls. We've become the mutest kind of nation. We're un-communicating souls. No one talks. No one talks. It's something we seldom ever do. No one talks. No one talks.
- Amanda Dell: No one talks but... you.
- Narrator: Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer, but not a very good one. Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water he couldn't grow mud, but he didn't have to. While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold. This is thought to be the origin of the phrase "lots of potatoes."
- George Welch: I've known for a long time that something like this was bound to happen. All those women you take out in public, this is the result.
- Jean-Marc Clement: I'm not anxious to take them out in public, George. They won't stay indoors.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Please, will you call me a taxi?
- Street Sweeper: Sure. You're a taxi. The guy who calls the taxis will be back in ten minutes. I only park the cars.
- Jean-Marc Clement: I want to see the manager.
- Street Sweeper: Come back in three months. Maybe he'll be out by then - with good behavior.
- George Welch: Now, um... may I speak frankly?
- Oliver Burton: Go right ahead.
- George Welch: Thank you. You know, I've been horse-trading across the desk like this for the last thirty years, and in all that time I don't think I've ever come across anyone quite as bad at it as you. You're just awful.
- Oliver Burton: I beg your pardon.
- George Welch: And let me give you a sample of frankness: Not only AREN'T you fully financed, Mr. Burton, but you're faced with having to get together a year's theater rent in advance. You foolishly... you foolishly mortgaged your home and you can't raise any more money, and if I were to wait another ten days I could pick up your theater for nothing and probably your house as well. That's frankness. Please, close your mouth, young man.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Oh, are you a college girl?
- Amanda Dell: No. Night school. I'm getting my high school diploma.
- Jean-Marc Clement: What do you want to do with that for?
- Amanda Dell: I got tired of being ignorant. I never knew what people were referring to.
- Jean-Marc Clement: I hope you'll help me. I've never been on stage before.
- Amanda Dell: I knew. You can always tell an outsider.
- Jean-Marc Clement: How?
- Amanda Dell: Mostly the way they look at girls in rehearsal clothes.
- Jean-Marc Clement: You're damn right, it's no good. I didn't count on looking that ridiculous. He's got all the jokes and I'm going cock-a-doodle-do.
- George Welch: Well, you take his jokes and let him go cock-a-doodle-do. How about firing him?
- Jean-Marc Clement: No. No. That would upset her.
- George Welch: You'll never impress her by being a rooster - unless she's a chicken.
- Milton Berle: That's very flattering but I can think of many greater comedians than myself; for instance, there's eh - there's um - or - You know, maybe you're right.
- Milton Berle: Well, sir, this is a very, very fantastic figure. You know, the first time I read it I didn't know if this was what you were going pay me or my social security number.
- Milton Berle: I'll make you so funny your only problem will be to get her to stop laughing long enough to have babies.
- Amanda Dell: [singing] If you roar like a lion, I could coo like a dove, If you're sold, begin buying babe, Let's make love.
- Tony Danton: Gosh, It's hot...
- Gene Kelly: You must express yourself. The way an actor does.
- Jean-Marc Clement: An actor?
- Gene Kelly: Yes! You see, a dancer expresses with his body what an actor does with words. It's not just the feet.
- Prologue Narrator: The fourth Clement carried on the basic traditions of the family; which, is to say, a prudent marriage, plus a lively interest in balloons. This lively interests led to a duel.
- Tony Danton: [singing] Hey You, With the crazy eyes, When you turn 'em on, I'm gone, Right up to the skies...
- Amanda Dell: [singing] Plan some moonlight trips with me, Come to grips with me, Lips to lips with me, do, Oh-oh-oh, You'll just love my embraces, Cause they'll fit like a glove, We could get down to cases maybe, Kiss me baby, Let's make love.
- Tony Danton: My, oh my, but it's warm here.
- Amanda Dell: Let's make love.
- Tony Danton: I sure wore a tight collar.
- Amanda Dell: Let's make love.
- Tony Danton: I may need a salt tablet. Do you know a good doctor?
- Amanda Dell: Let's - make - love.
- Bing Crosby: [singing] If they're told to me all covered with sighs, The wildest of lies seems true.
- [talking]
- Bing Crosby: You see, you run it all together like that. Keep it movin'.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Over?
- Bing Crosby: Over, the whole thing.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Breathe?
- Bing Crosby: Oh, well you and I will know you're out of breathe. But, she'll think it's very sexy.
- Milton Berle: I have a gag that I always do. It's dynamite. It's the best thing that I've ever done.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Is this material original?
- Milton Berle: Original?
- Jean-Marc Clement: Mm-hmm.
- Milton Berle: Forget it, we'll try something else.
- Jean-Marc Clement: There is a job here, for an honest man.
- Alexander Coffman: Thank you, sir. l wasn't addressing your money that time. l'll see you in the morning!
- Jean-Marc Clement: And...
- [hands diamond bracelet over as a gift]
- Jean-Marc Clement: for your wife, to forgive me for keeping you so late. Don't tell me l'm buying your approval. l am, but one can only give what one has, and l give you that. Get in early. There will be a lot to do.
- Tony Danton: [song] I got a father to support, a mother to support, a lazy loafin' good for nothin' brother to support.
- Tony Danton: [musical number] They've each a trait that seems to state 'first-raters'
- Amanda Dell: Which separates them from the small per-tat-ers.
- Jean-Marc Clement: Show me what I can do with a woman.
- Milton Berle: After what I read about you, I'm sure that you could show me.
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