- Figg: Is that how they do it in the Navy, sir?
- Capt. William Horatio Ambrose: I take it you are never in the service, Figg?
- Figg: I never wanted to be. I've spent all my life on a dredger and if you're going to run this pier like a battleship, I shall be sorry I left it.
- Capt. William Horatio Ambrose: Well, I am going to run it like a battleship. All the best piers in the country or run naval-style and, under my command, Sandcastle pier will be no exception. I shan't be satisfied until everything is ship-... er... pier-shape and Blackpool-fashion.
- [Captain Ambrose has been proudly describing the naval exploits of his various ancestors, over footage which shows that they were utterly inept]
- Capt. William Horatio Ambrose: Hence our family motto "Omnes Per Mare".
- Reporter: I'm afraid my Latin...
- Capt. William Horatio Ambrose: "All At Sea".
- [Artie White, an escapologist, is getting an audience member to tie him up as part of his act. The man from the audience is completely bald.]
- Artie White: And so, with the assistance of my good friend Goldilocks here, I shall now demonstrate that the secret of the Great Houdini lives on. That's a lovely head of skin you've got there, sir. Of course he's a very good-looking feller, you know, the poor girl's Yul Brynner.
- Bald Man: There's no call for personal remarks.
- Artie White: I'm very sorry, sir. Of course he ain't really bald, we know that. He's just got a tall face.
- Bald Man: [finishing tying up Artie] And you won't get out of that in a hurry.
- Artie White: Get out of what?
- [Artie wiggles his body and the ropes fall off him]
- Artie White: This?
- [the bald man leaves the stage, looking rather humiliated]
- Artie White: Now, come back, sir. Don't get nasty. Keep your hair on.